My apologies, not quite sure how to start this review. However, with the growing segment of Beyond, it is with heavy heart we must act maturely and will get through this together.
Firstly, pretty safe to state, wouldn't recommend watching this with your mothers (for majority of us anyways).
Two weeks into opening, I'd say theater was only 60% filled. The experience I liked about this movie over other theater going excursions were the fact that once the curtains dropped, complete dead silence from the entire audience, during the entire movie as well. No annoying douche couples whispering, even the one chick who was checking her phone a few times had decency to reduce the glare by keeping it between her legs (assumingly switching to vibrant mode). Never been so insync with the entire theater neither, every scene scripted for a chuckle or giggle perfectly executed on que without being instructed. Felt like a room full of strangers, hanging together as a group and agreeing to form some type of ya-ya sisterhood of movie watching. For all you passive aggressive dudes like yours truly who hates crowded social scenes; packed theater, clubs, ball games, Superstore Costco daily, and hate that whole Alpha male stare down “what cha lookin’ at bro?” Not to worry, unlike any other movies where you get a mixture of dudes (the gang of wolfpak bros, lone ranger scrapper, ex-military uncle/dads, GQ baller guys who can buy the whole city and make you disappear, protective bf with the thinks she’s hot shit gal) where you don’t wanna fuck around not know who you’re fuckin’ with, but still ready to throw down if they through the first punch. Well, pretty confident to report back to y’all can feel safe to lower your guard going to this one, less effort needed sizing the other dudes attending, down to just 2 categories: bros excited who wants to be there, and bros that has to be there. Neither of those would even make eye contact, promise.
Onto the feature presentation. Given I haven’t seen the first, hopefully never required, just doing the best I can to pick up the pieces watching this. The acting, wardrobe, thrill, suspense were all top notch. The script however, I’m bias not being too kin on. Bias on the envious side of course, another way Hollywood reminds us how great life is being rich and white and do whatever you want but for the rest of us reality is just pay for it, an hour at a time. Everything the protagonist does is a slam dunk, here I bought you Starbucks let’s fuck oh sure, oh your shirt buttons aren’t aligned oh yeah, come closer and show me how to button my shirt baby oh and let’s fuck. You look hot in that dress, oh thanks, let me PITTB, oh ok. Any other man of color doing that same sadistic shit, pretty sure would be tasered, shot, jailed. A little personal, but since I consider Beyond a community of family, personally I didn’t get much arousal from these supposedly cucumber dropping “hot sex scenes”… Though not gonna lie, Mr. Grey did manage to raise my non-homo boner once I saw the size of his nice big white 100’ sail boat/ yacht. (sorry for the spoiler, it’s shown in the trailer though)
I may not be a dating expert by any means, but with my best intentions, wouldn’t recommend this as your first date movie. Not only do I believe this isn’t a (first date) panty dropping movie (could be totally wrong), but again, just such an unobtainable false reality for 99% of the population. In fact, I’m willing to bet a set of fuzzy handcuffs that as a first date movie you’d be at higher odds taking her to the next Avengers and actually turning into Hulk, than Fifty Shades Darker with an after show smashing. Actually, those who’ll put the theory to test, and willing to concur, I’d be willing to consolation prize you $20 worth of lube of your choice; most likely end up with blue balls either way.
Would I recommend my fellow Beyonders to Fifty Shades Darker? Sure, for those of you who are sexual beasts embracing the indulgence of ovulation. For the rest, if you find yourself attending by proxy, may I suggest prepping your safe words? “I gotta use the bathroom, (for 2 hours), honey”
