Social Taboo - Regret having children

[Melinda]

For me it would depend on when you asked me. I had my first at 24 years old. I was happily married and excited to become a mom. Giving birth to my son started the hardest years of my life. I ended up with severe postpartum depression. I hated everything, I wanted to get up and walk away from my life more than I can articulate into words. I loved my son very much, but I didn't want the life that came with it. We had always planned on having two, and when he was about 14 months old, once I started to feel a little better, we tried for #2 (despite knowing we had an 80% chance of my PPD returning when she was born). Our daughter was born when I was 26 and my PPD returned halfway through my pregnancy (at that stage it's actually called antenatal depression, but that's not important). But this time, it was MUCH worse. I was suicidal. I wanted to hurt myself, and the kids. I hated my life. I won't elaborate too much more on that, as this forum is full of dudebros that seem to have little sympathy in situations like this, but it was brutal. My husband literally carried our family. However, I was getting a lot of professional and medical help. Eventually, it got better. I liked my kids, I enjoyed being a family, and being a mom was something I was connecting with more and more every day. I officially hit remission from depression in June of 2016. My son was 7 and my daughter was 5.

Now I love my life. I know, it sounds so cheesy. 7 years ago, I regretted it with every fiber of my body. Now I wouldn't change a single damn day. Even the shitty parts. We're exhausted most of the time and financially we're just getting by, every day seems to bring a new challenge, but I freaking love it. Definitely no regrets at all. Waiting until we were older probably wouldn't have changed anything, except maybe we'd have more money. Meh. And now I'll be 44 when my youngest graduates high school. That sounds pretty good to me

That being said, I have several friends who don't want kids. I would never try to convince them otherwise. I fully believe it is not something everyone should do or could do. It's a ridiculous sacrifice to have kids, for the rest of your life. I agree with the poster above that being a parent is something you should be passionate about. That's not to say unplanned parents can't become passionate, but if given the choice to have kids, it should never happen just because society says you should. Definitely follow your heart and/or your gut on that one.

[nickyh]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Seth1968
[B]

Honest question for you and everyone else who have had kids. If you intended to have kids, what was your motivation to do so?


I honestly don't know. I grew up never wanting to have any, husband agreed with me. It just clicked for both of us at the same time and then the setbacks only reinforced how much we really wanted to be parents.
It's cheesy to say, but I really did hear my clock ticking



I will add, she really is 50% him and 50% me, it's so cool. She got our best and worst traits.
I'm not jumping in the pool to have another though, as much as I would love to have another, that time has come and gone.

[brandon]

Personally, I regret nothing!

My childhood was filled with positive experiences and love for my parents, I couldn't wait to be a dad for when it came time. Had two kids in my late twenties, and while yes you're not globe trotting around the world every year.. it doesn't alter my daily routine as much as one would think. There isn't much that I want to do on a daily basis that I can't do with my kids.

Everyone has different paths, mine lead to a fulfillment in life that I would never go back.

**also, slightly off-topic.. but has anyone else noticed the increase of people who have multiple dogs?! It seems more and more when someone isn't hasn't having children.. they fill it with 3-4 large dogs! Not saying anything wrong with it, I love dogs myself and have a large lab. But would never have more than 1-2 of the big bastards.

[spikerS]

^^ Replace dogs with cats. I seem to see that more often.

[sputnik]

I regret not having kids earlier.

I have friends in their early 50s whose girls were both married and out of the house 8 years ago.

Their mortgage is paid off and now they are both semi retired and traveling.

[jwslam]

I love kids and really want my own. I'm getting to the end of my 30's now with no children yet.

Originally posted by spikerS
I don't regret having my daughter, however, I do regret who I had my daughter with.

^ I don't want to have a kid with the wrong person. Your ex-wife sounds god awful. I'd rather have no kids than have one with someone like that.

That said, I think I've gotta set out a life plan of single-by-35 then adopt. I wanna have a kid in hopes of them having kids while I still have energy to play with them. By the time I get kids my parents will be near/in their 70's...

[BavarianBeast]

If you regret having kids, you've fucked up big time.

[G]

Originally posted by Melinda
....My husband literally carried our family....

Total respect for a man like this. A lot of dirt bags would've taken the easy out and left. R!

[born2workoncars]

Originally posted by heavyD


Intelligence can lead to selfishness. Smart enough to know what you will lose dinner dates, golf, vacations, etc. However you can only fill your life with so much of that superficial stuff before you realize it's pretty empty. That said some people aren't cut out to be parents. My sister has never met anyone she loves more than herself so it makes sense for her not to have kids.

There's also something to be said for keeping the family bloodlines going. You and your wife will perish one day and it's nice to know that your children will carry on your legacy. Without that you death is purely statistical.

Haha, were talking about selfishness and keeping bloodlines going. Who cares? You're a human. There's a few billion others out there. The world isn't missing anything if you don't keep that DNA spreading.

You are a statistic regardless of children. I can't think of anything more egotistical than thinking your own jizz is something special.

As for filling life with superficial stuff... what do people buy their kids? iPads, useless toys, a swath of clothing that lasts maybe a few months? How does being childless suddenly make you a self centred consumer? I would argue the opposite - kids lead to overconsumption. Anything less and you're a bad parent!

The world has way too many humans as is. recognizing this and forgoing reproduction is about as altruistic as you can get.

In my books, the key to quality of life rests firmly on two things:

1. Mobility (can you use your body?)
2. Human connection (happiness only real when shared)

Most people forgo the first and suffer the consequences. The second can be attained with any human, bloodlines are irrelevant.

[ExtraSlow]

Originally posted by Melinda

Melinda, sounds like your family has a lot in common with mine. PPD neatly killed us. I don't know if those experiences made us less resilient, but we both have had more bouts, brought on by seemingly minor events.

Glad to hear that you are feeling healthy. I'm looking forward to that.

[Seth1968]

Originally posted by BavarianBeast
If you regret having kids, you've fucked up big time.

I agree, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the parent(s) won't provide a loving and proper upbringing for the kids.

For example, I regret having my child, but I raised her with absolute love and caring. She's 22 now, and still compliments me on how well I raised and taught her. She even mentions that I'm the only one she can talk to, as I discuss things with her without judgment and emotion.

[Thaco]

Originally posted by benyl
I have 2. My pocket book hates them. I love them. I'm jealous of those that decided not to have them. If I had to do it over again, I'd still have them.

It's your choice. I don't care if you have a kid or not. That doesn't define who you are. If it does, you have issues that you will likely pass onto your kids if you have them.

TBH this was the first response and the only one i read, but i agree with it completely... I wouldn't give up the experience for anything, but often dream of what i could be doing with my money if it wasn't all being drained on them.

[Seth1968]

There are a lot of profound reasons for not having children, but I've yet to see anyone post a valid reason for having children.

Back in the day, children were popped out due to no contraception, parents needing free farm labor, and selfish legacy reasons.

[SOAB]

you're an idiot. what valid reason other than "i want to have children" is needed?

just because you don't agree doesn't mean it's wrong or invalid.

[Seth1968]

Originally posted by SOAB
you're an idiot. what valid reason other than "i want to have children" is needed?

Oh oh. I hurt your feelings.

Any chance of replying without your emotional hang up?

[Swank]

What's the criteria for a reason to be deemed valid?

[SOAB]

no, i have pretty thick skin, i just think you're an idiot.

[Disoblige]

Anyone watch Equilibrium before?
Seth sounds like one of those emotionless beings, except he doesn't need any pills to get into that state.

[killramos]

Originally posted by SOAB
no, i have pretty thick skin, i just think you're an idiot.

You sure about that? He didn't even really say anything offensive and you jumped down his throat calling him an idiot.

Say I buy a new 150k sports car, I don't need a good reason to do so I do it "because i wanted to" or " It made me happy" , but you damn well know I am going to get all sorts of judgement for it. I don't just suspect that, I EXPECT it.

But decide to have a kid or two just because I felt like it? OMGAR CONGRATULATIONS. People would be blowing smoke up my ass for years.

Both debatably make an individual happy, both not fantastic financial decisions. But one is considering socially normal, the other not.

There is most definitely a social stigma around choosing to not have children and he is correct in pointing that out. There are a lot of stupid threads seth makes but this one really isn't close to one of them.

[RealJimmyJames]

Originally posted by EF9 Sedan
Curious to hear the OP's thoughts on the subject.

Do you think there's a particular reason for people to regret having kids?

I know three different couples who are going through serious marriage troubles, and it's my opinion that for those couples at least, they were in rock solid relationships until they mixed in children. Funny thing is that at least the guys don't seem to see it that way. They have zero regrets about having kids, but seem to think that somehow their wives have turned into unreasonable monsters. Two of the three are actively planning for the best time to begin divorce proceedings.

That makes no sense to me. I get that you can't divorce your kids, and you just have to make the best of it, but it just seems really rare that a dad would even think about that what-if scenario. Whereas with marriage, which does have an exit mechanism, folks are very open about discussing their regrets.

Funny (to me anyway) think is, once you have kids, you can never really get rid of a marriage. You'll have a relationship with that person as long as you have a relationship with your children.

I also think people should be more open abut discussing their feelings, both negative and positive, with friends and family. What makes it so shameful to think that maybe you made a bad decision having kids?

As for the "legacy" reason, I can understand that, but let's not pretend that's anything but a selfish ego-boost. There are strong evolutionary pressures to continue your genetic line, but none of them are altruistic.