aquamarine
01-13-2006, 11:55 PM
January 13th, WP Press
At a pre-election campaign meeting in the riding of Newmarket-Aurora this afternoon, Prime Minister Paul Martin announced a “National Ban on Crime and Criminals”. The move is expected to draw wide ranging support from voters in cities such as Toronto and Vancouver, which have recently been plagued by a wave of gun violence and where crime rates have traditionally been higher.
“This Government will pass new legislation aimed at decreasing crime rates across Canada by clearly defining the traditional definition of Crime”, said Martin.
“We feel that this legislation, coupled with our initiative to ban handguns, will result in a significant decrease in Crime in all areas of the Country”, said Martin. “The numbers are in, people. I’m not making this up. Clearly, crime is a problem in our Metropolitan areas and I think all Canadians can agree that there’s no legitimate excuse for crime anywhere in our society. A Liberal Government will ensure that Crime is banned all across Canada, making our streets safer for everyone”.
When asked how the ban was intended to combat violent offences and property offences, Mr. Martin responded “The Liberal Government knows that Canadians are law-abiding people. We know that any ban will be respected by our law abiding citizens, and as a result we know that banning crime is the most effective solution to the problem.”
When asked for comment, former Conservative MP Belinda Stronach and current Liberal Incumbent for Newmarket-Aurora stated “Of course I support this initiative by Mr Harper. I mean Mr Martin…whatever…”
Conservative leader Stephen Harper commented on the announcement by saying “What an assinine…I mean…no really, what a fucking stupid….how fucking dumb does he think we are?”
Marijuana party leader Blair Longley, found on a nearby bench consuming Cheetos and pizza crusts responded to the Liberal announcement by saying “Dude, I need a fucking sandwich man.”
NDP leader Jack Layton commented on the Liberal announcement by saying “There is a third option. The NDP party stands on its reputation of brining real change. Just look at what we did with the last Liberal budget. There is a third option. The NDP party stands on its reputation of brining real change. Just look at what we did with the last Liberal budget. There is a third option. The NDP party stands on its reputation of brining real change. Just look at what we did with the last Liberal budget.”
The latest announcement comes amid poll statistics that suggests the Liberals have been losing ground to Stephen Harper’s Conservatives over a perceived “soft-stance” on crime.
“Call me crazy, but it’s about time Canadians stood up and banned Crime once and for all,” said Martin. “A Liberal Government will do just that”.
Written by Mr. M. Morbius
C/O: Wolfpack Times
At a pre-election campaign meeting in the riding of Newmarket-Aurora this afternoon, Prime Minister Paul Martin announced a “National Ban on Crime and Criminals”. The move is expected to draw wide ranging support from voters in cities such as Toronto and Vancouver, which have recently been plagued by a wave of gun violence and where crime rates have traditionally been higher.
“This Government will pass new legislation aimed at decreasing crime rates across Canada by clearly defining the traditional definition of Crime”, said Martin.
“We feel that this legislation, coupled with our initiative to ban handguns, will result in a significant decrease in Crime in all areas of the Country”, said Martin. “The numbers are in, people. I’m not making this up. Clearly, crime is a problem in our Metropolitan areas and I think all Canadians can agree that there’s no legitimate excuse for crime anywhere in our society. A Liberal Government will ensure that Crime is banned all across Canada, making our streets safer for everyone”.
When asked how the ban was intended to combat violent offences and property offences, Mr. Martin responded “The Liberal Government knows that Canadians are law-abiding people. We know that any ban will be respected by our law abiding citizens, and as a result we know that banning crime is the most effective solution to the problem.”
When asked for comment, former Conservative MP Belinda Stronach and current Liberal Incumbent for Newmarket-Aurora stated “Of course I support this initiative by Mr Harper. I mean Mr Martin…whatever…”
Conservative leader Stephen Harper commented on the announcement by saying “What an assinine…I mean…no really, what a fucking stupid….how fucking dumb does he think we are?”
Marijuana party leader Blair Longley, found on a nearby bench consuming Cheetos and pizza crusts responded to the Liberal announcement by saying “Dude, I need a fucking sandwich man.”
NDP leader Jack Layton commented on the Liberal announcement by saying “There is a third option. The NDP party stands on its reputation of brining real change. Just look at what we did with the last Liberal budget. There is a third option. The NDP party stands on its reputation of brining real change. Just look at what we did with the last Liberal budget. There is a third option. The NDP party stands on its reputation of brining real change. Just look at what we did with the last Liberal budget.”
The latest announcement comes amid poll statistics that suggests the Liberals have been losing ground to Stephen Harper’s Conservatives over a perceived “soft-stance” on crime.
“Call me crazy, but it’s about time Canadians stood up and banned Crime once and for all,” said Martin. “A Liberal Government will do just that”.
Written by Mr. M. Morbius
C/O: Wolfpack Times