Vitesse951
06-01-2003, 04:27 AM
I know everyone has at least one. Those people you meet that say the stupidest things or outrageous claims about their car's performance. Now to be fair to these "Absolute Morons" I think what is going on here is that they spend all of thier money on "performance parts" mainly cold air intakes and different mufflers. Now say they spend 600-700 dollars on a name brand intake and catback system. It probably took them a long time to earn that much money, so its hard for them to swallow the reality that it really didn't benefit them that much. They have to justify to themselves that thier 600-700 dollars was money well spent. So I think that is where the classic "My intake is worth 40 hp" guys come from. Yes, its a very sad story. That being said, understanding them in no way means you can't still laugh at them.
I am from a Beach town in the US, and we get alot of "performance" cars coming in and out on vacation, so theres always fresh people to race/talk cars with. We get more than our share of "Absolute Morons" as I call them. Here are a few just from the last week here in Gulf Shores.
A guy in a 97 civic SI, which actually looked pretty good aesthetically, told me that he had just got back from the track and ran a 14.0 1/4 mile(no, he didn't have the slip, I asked). His modifications were I/H/E. I told him that was unbelieveable, and he added, "yeah well, that was with spinning through 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. If I could have got traction I would have been mid to low 13's for sure." I just turned around and walked back to my car. This one is kinda mild, it gets much worse.
A little later that night, I saw a 1994ish honda accord 4 cyl with the usual altezza's, clear corners, and a multitude of neon bulbs and flashing devices and what not. This car was missing its rear bumper. It also had no visible exhaust system, and by that I mean that the pipe was cut off after the cat and the stock muffler had been removed. This guy's bullshitting reputaion had preceded him. I had heard some friends talking about him earlier.
So I asked him if it was fast, and he said "fast enough to whip that Porsche." I just nodded, I don't really like to shit talk about my car, I like to let it defend itself. So I ask the guy what he has done. He takes a good deep breath and lets out what seemed like a couple minutes worth of memorized engine parts, including "cams" and "camshafts", which are apparently two different things. He said all in all he has 20k invested in the engine, and we arent talking a swap, this is a stock motor, a F22B2 I believe. 20 thousand dollars spent on the engine, and not enough money to replace a back bumper, or have a real exhaust system. I asked him to pop the hood. Underneath was the following: Factory 4cyl, non Vtec motor, including the Factory airbox, and exhaust manifold. Still I have seen some crazy sleepers, so I was only 99.9% sure that this guy qualified for "absolute moron" status. Then I saw the Automatic shifter, and that did it. 100%
Tonight, a guy flagged my friend and I down while we were riding in my friends 1979 corvette. Its been know to take the occasional high 12 second run. The car, btw, can be seen here: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=6168&item=2416297456
The guy wanted my friend to drive some girl around the strip a few times. Apparently she saw the car go by and wanted a ride. He looks at me, so being the nice guy that I am, I get out, she gets in, and off they go. So I am sitting here at a surf shop parking lot next to this guy. He is leaning on a red 1993ish Mitsu galant, with 10 inch Chrome plastic hubcaps, and a 10 foot tall spoiler. The hood is popped. I wonder to myself if this is guy is going to say something spectacular. I wait.... silence. I start to feel awkward, so I decide to say something. "So, seen anything fast around tonight?" I say. The guy says," just him," pointing to my friend, "and me." I look at the car again... and decide against saying, "really? this?" So I just say, "What do you have done?" His response is, "intake, exhaust, chip." I look at his intake. Now this is really special. His.... "intake" consists of the factory airbox with the lid removed, and the stock dirty paper filter is sitting there, held onto the side of the box with a bungee cord. Amazing.... absolutely amazing. I explained to him that he is now pulling in hot air from the engine bay instead of the colder ambient air he was getting with the snorkel attatched. The "so what" look on his face basically let me know that he didn't think the temperature of the air was too important. He said, "well, my friend has an AEM intake on a civic and they sound the exact same." I just let it go. I sat there for a while in silence wishing that my friend would come back. After a while, the guy added that his car ran in the low 13s. It was then that he enlightened me to the little known fact that his exhaust, and chip, and..."Intake" increases a 4cyl Galant's power to 280. I told him that the vette ran somewhere around that ET, and that they should go line them up. Sadly, he couldn't, because his "Engine seal was blown"...as if it had only one. I didn't stick around to ask, my friend pulled up and I got the hell out of there.
These are actual true stories from the beaches of Gulf Shores, Alabama. I don't know if these "absolute morons" are everywhere in the world, but there sure seem to be alot of them here. I hope you guys have them in Canada, they can be so entertaining. Anyways, follow up with your "absolute moron" stories. :D
I am from a Beach town in the US, and we get alot of "performance" cars coming in and out on vacation, so theres always fresh people to race/talk cars with. We get more than our share of "Absolute Morons" as I call them. Here are a few just from the last week here in Gulf Shores.
A guy in a 97 civic SI, which actually looked pretty good aesthetically, told me that he had just got back from the track and ran a 14.0 1/4 mile(no, he didn't have the slip, I asked). His modifications were I/H/E. I told him that was unbelieveable, and he added, "yeah well, that was with spinning through 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. If I could have got traction I would have been mid to low 13's for sure." I just turned around and walked back to my car. This one is kinda mild, it gets much worse.
A little later that night, I saw a 1994ish honda accord 4 cyl with the usual altezza's, clear corners, and a multitude of neon bulbs and flashing devices and what not. This car was missing its rear bumper. It also had no visible exhaust system, and by that I mean that the pipe was cut off after the cat and the stock muffler had been removed. This guy's bullshitting reputaion had preceded him. I had heard some friends talking about him earlier.
So I asked him if it was fast, and he said "fast enough to whip that Porsche." I just nodded, I don't really like to shit talk about my car, I like to let it defend itself. So I ask the guy what he has done. He takes a good deep breath and lets out what seemed like a couple minutes worth of memorized engine parts, including "cams" and "camshafts", which are apparently two different things. He said all in all he has 20k invested in the engine, and we arent talking a swap, this is a stock motor, a F22B2 I believe. 20 thousand dollars spent on the engine, and not enough money to replace a back bumper, or have a real exhaust system. I asked him to pop the hood. Underneath was the following: Factory 4cyl, non Vtec motor, including the Factory airbox, and exhaust manifold. Still I have seen some crazy sleepers, so I was only 99.9% sure that this guy qualified for "absolute moron" status. Then I saw the Automatic shifter, and that did it. 100%
Tonight, a guy flagged my friend and I down while we were riding in my friends 1979 corvette. Its been know to take the occasional high 12 second run. The car, btw, can be seen here: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=6168&item=2416297456
The guy wanted my friend to drive some girl around the strip a few times. Apparently she saw the car go by and wanted a ride. He looks at me, so being the nice guy that I am, I get out, she gets in, and off they go. So I am sitting here at a surf shop parking lot next to this guy. He is leaning on a red 1993ish Mitsu galant, with 10 inch Chrome plastic hubcaps, and a 10 foot tall spoiler. The hood is popped. I wonder to myself if this is guy is going to say something spectacular. I wait.... silence. I start to feel awkward, so I decide to say something. "So, seen anything fast around tonight?" I say. The guy says," just him," pointing to my friend, "and me." I look at the car again... and decide against saying, "really? this?" So I just say, "What do you have done?" His response is, "intake, exhaust, chip." I look at his intake. Now this is really special. His.... "intake" consists of the factory airbox with the lid removed, and the stock dirty paper filter is sitting there, held onto the side of the box with a bungee cord. Amazing.... absolutely amazing. I explained to him that he is now pulling in hot air from the engine bay instead of the colder ambient air he was getting with the snorkel attatched. The "so what" look on his face basically let me know that he didn't think the temperature of the air was too important. He said, "well, my friend has an AEM intake on a civic and they sound the exact same." I just let it go. I sat there for a while in silence wishing that my friend would come back. After a while, the guy added that his car ran in the low 13s. It was then that he enlightened me to the little known fact that his exhaust, and chip, and..."Intake" increases a 4cyl Galant's power to 280. I told him that the vette ran somewhere around that ET, and that they should go line them up. Sadly, he couldn't, because his "Engine seal was blown"...as if it had only one. I didn't stick around to ask, my friend pulled up and I got the hell out of there.
These are actual true stories from the beaches of Gulf Shores, Alabama. I don't know if these "absolute morons" are everywhere in the world, but there sure seem to be alot of them here. I hope you guys have them in Canada, they can be so entertaining. Anyways, follow up with your "absolute moron" stories. :D