Aviation Tool Definitions

[YamahaV8]

I got these funny aviation tool definitions from my work and thought that you beyonders (especially you mechanics) might get a chuckle out of them. Although some of these definitions are specific to aircraft I'm sure most of you have seen or done a few of these. :D

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine for converting electrical energy to noise and heat.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from the inside of a battery to carpet or paint.

CELL PHONE: Tool for calling an ophthalmologist after getting battery acid in eyes.

CHIP CHASER: Pointed tool for pushing small parts deep into crevices.

CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable device for rounding off bolt heads.

DIAGONAL PLIERS (side cutters): Hand tool for imparting kinetic energy to small bits of lock wire.

DIFFERENTIAL COMPRESSION TESTER: Rig for facilitating the premature replacement of cylinders.

DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering an airplane upward off a hydraulic jack.

DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

DUCT TAPE: Epoxy substitute, upholstery repair aid and retention device for loose fairings etc.

ELECTRICAL HAND DRILL: Mechanized implement for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes. Also useful for creating mounting holes in brackets positioned directly over fuel and hydraulic lines.

EZ-OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes; harder than all known drill bits.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the "dowsing rod" principle. It transforms arm motion into a frightful palsy, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your aim becomes.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool for sizing hoses 1/2" too short.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Fixture useful in drop testing an airplane undercarriage.

MICROMETER: Instrument for measuring the thickness of customer's wallet after a job.

NITROGEN TANK: A contrivance to aid in the rapid disassembly of oleo struts.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Device for igniting various flammable objects in and around hangar or shop. Also effective for igniting the grease inside a wheel half that you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Sharp implement for stabbing the lids of paint cans and splashing paint on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Philips screw heads.

PLIERS: Device for rounding off bolt heads.

PISTON RING EXPANDER: Hand tool for creating stress risers in piston rings 180' opposite the gap.

RIVET GUN: Device for making smile-marks in sheet metal.

RTV: Really thick virtual gasket.

SUMP DRAIN HOSE: Device for transferring hot oil to forearm.

TREAD CHASER: Small device for contaminating engine internals with swarf chips.

TORQUE WRENCH: Device for testing the yield point of fasteners.

TRICKLE-CHARGER: Electronic device for boiling acid out of a battery.

TROUBLE LIGHT: Also known as a mechanic's tanning booth. Main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at approximately the same rate that cannon balls were consumed during the siege of Sebastopol in the Crimean War.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: Fixture for testing the tensile strength of ground straps, cable, and wires connecting engine to firewall.

VERNIER CALIPER: Small clamp for holding wires together for soldering.

VISE-GRIPS: Aid to rounding off bolt heads. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of one's hand.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust from old bolt heads and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.

ZERK FITTING: Device to admit dirt under pressure to a pivot joint.

ZINC CHROMATE: Topcoat for corrosion spots.

[97'Scort]

Oh man, it's all so true :rofl:

[Tik-Tok]

That's a gooder, I'll have to pass this around at work when I get back, lol.

[scat19]

haha, the boys on the floor would love this.

[n1zm0]

Originally posted by YamahaV8
DUCT TAPE: Epoxy substitute, upholstery repair aid and retention device for loose fairings etc.

VERNIER CALIPER: Small clamp for holding wires together for soldering.



duct tape is illegal lol, speed tape, wingtip fairing bling.

the vernier one is good, i've done it before because i'm too lazy to go buy a third hand

it's missing one tho:

M.E.K: assurance for a life without children

good stuff tho haha all so true, heres an email i got from a colleague a while back:


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[YamahaV8]

Originally posted by n1zm0


duct tape is illegal lol, speed tape, wingtip fairing bling.



What are you talking about. I got duct tape holding on the co-pilots arm rest in the Dornier as we speak. ;)

[DJ Lazy]

LOL @ Vise grips! :rofl: