Friend having a kid....advice?

[spike98]

I had no idea where the heck to put this thread so I hope this will do. If it would be better suited in a alternate place then please, move as you wish.

Also, I really don’t want this to turn into a pro choice/life debate, its not that clear cut as you will read.

On to my predicament....

Recently a friend of mine has discovered she is pregnant. I am pro choice my self so my opinion on what she should do is obvious. I am just looking for some insight.

She is a single 19 year old girl working till at a gas station still living with her parents. Her parents are not very well off and her parents sometimes struggle to make ends meet. She has no education outside of high school and has zero plans or ambitions to establish a career. The suspected father (yes, she isn’t 100% sure) has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the child and will likely disappear prior to the child being born.

Now after an ultrasound she has discovered she is 15 weeks pregnant. Apparently she has no idea up until a week ago and has been partying and binge drinking sporadically since. No drugs, just alcohol. However, when consumed, it was drank in large quantities. To the point of being shitfaced. Including the suspected night of conception, the amount of times is thought to be about 6-7 times.

A few weeks after to the "date" she fainted, fell in the shower and broke her ankle. Badly. Bad enough to require surgery under general anaesthetic and was given lots of morphine and pain killers. The cause of her fainting was also a eating disorder. She would eat very little if even anything for days at a time. In a nutshell, her body was a train wreck.

I feel, from research, that she is at a highly increased risk of giving birth to a baby with FASD or birth defects. This, coupled with her severely unstable life and inability to take care of herself, makes me think that she should terminate.

She was intent on having an abortion prior to having the ultrasound. I suspect that its was because it wasn’t really "real" to her yet.

Obviously this is my opinion based on my stance on the pro choice/life debate. Am I way off base by trying to convince her its the right thing to do? Is there another way to approach the situation?

I am really counting on beyond stepping out of the normal "tits or GTFO" mentality and offering me some insightful opinions and facts. Also, attacks on her lifestyle choices can be left at the door.

Thanks in advance!

[urban.one]

She needs to go see a counselor and get some professional help.

Google should be a start but maybe some people on here can post links.

Otherwise, this will turn into a prolife/prochoice debate which isnt what you came here for.

[5G_celica]

definitly way to big of a decision to be using advice from a public forum.

all I can say is tell her to start eating healthy and pray the baby is ok.

and a couseller would be a good start

[Kloubek]

The problem here Spike is that abortion is one of the most hotly contested topics. Those who are pro-life will not be able to see past the situation, and will still maintain she should not abort. The child could be GUARANTEED to be ill due to these factors, and they would still generally say she should have the baby.

Personally, I am of the opinion that even at 15 weeks, this is not a baby yet. So it is pretty obvious as well what my own standpoint would be.

The fact is - it is not your place to push your ideologies on her. But if she is not pro-life, then opening her eyes to the unfortunate circumstances is just a friendly thing to do. It is pretty obvious that even if this baby is born healthy, it will be born into a situation which is very difficult to be raised properly. Your friend is way too immature to be a mother. She does not have the financial resources, and neither does her family. The baby will not have a father.

To me, the choice is clear.

And for Gods sake, insist she use protection next time...

[spike98]

I am not trying to push my ideologies on her for sure. Out of all of this that is definatly not something i want to do. I believe that its everyones choice to believe what they feel is right. I just want to make sure she is informed. After that its up to her really.

Im just worried that the poor girl is making a grave mistake because she has one friend that is a single mother that is doing great. However, she is well educated and truely self sufficient. Also there were no alcohol or disorders involved. Her defence is "If she can do it, so can i"

[ekguy]

Adoption if she doesn't want an abortion. Some people are better suited to take care of a baby but can't conceive. Although she probably already caused irreparable damage so being pro-choice as well I'd say that could be the best option at this point for the baby and her.

Either option is good. Keeping it in this case would be a bad call as she's not capable of taking care of herself let alone a baby.

[scat19]

Is this in third person and you're actually the father? :dunno:

My GF and I agreed, if, by mistake, we had a child this young - it would not have a good life as we are NOT established yet, not emotionally ready, etc... termination is the most logical.

I saw a few episodes of "pregnant and 16". I feel bad for those kids. They're going to have shitty lives. Broke ass BF's who don't care, immature bitchy girls, and parent's who don't know what to do.

Abortion.

[kaput]

.

[ekguy]

Originally posted by scat19
Is this in third person and you're actually the father? :dunno:

My GF and I agreed, if, by mistake, we had a child this young - it would not have a good life as we are NOT established yet, not emotionally ready, etc... termination is the most logical.

I saw a few episodes of "pregnant and 16". I feel bad for those kids. They're going to have shitty lives. Broke ass BF's who don't care, immature bitchy girls, and parent's who don't know what to do.

Abortion.

Me and my gf had that talk but we both ended up seeing that we'd both rather not have kids. So I will be getting snipped soon hopefully, unless I can't find a doctor to do it since apparantly it's hard to get that done if you haven't had kids and are still young...

[can't hide]

Originally posted by spike98
I am not trying to push my ideologies on her for sure. Out of all of this that is definatly not something i want to do. I believe that its everyones choice to believe what they feel is right. I just want to make sure she is informed. After that its up to her really.

Im just worried that the poor girl is making a grave mistake because she has one friend that is a single mother that is doing great. However, she is well educated and truely self sufficient. Also there were no alcohol or disorders involved. Her defence is "If she can do it, so can i"

There is no guarantee that she will shape up but if this is something she really feels she wants she might just do that.

If not, there really is no choice but to wait and see.

Good luck.

[spike98]

Originally posted by scat19
Is this in third person and you're actually the father? :dunno:



Negative. I am in a relationship already. She is simply a friend that i have known for a while. She is a good kid inside and means well and i just dont want her to be like the "Pregnant and 16" girls.

[can't hide]

Originally posted by kaput
Terminate and get help with the other 20 issues you identified, or in 10 years she'll be wrestling in chocolate pudding and incoherrently defending criminals on the internet.

I am absolutely not laughing at the situation at hand.

This post however, :rofl: .

I think I may even have peed a little.

[bubbley]

Mission Abort

[benyl]

Didn't read all the responses, but it isn't up to you to "convince" her of anything.

She needs to be made aware of all the options and the decision is up to her. It is her body after all and SHE will have to live with the consequences of HER decision.

That is unless of course, you are the father.

[spike98]

Originally posted by spike98
I am not trying to push my ideologies on her for sure. Out of all of this that is definatly not something i want to do. I believe that its everyones choice to believe what they feel is right. I just want to make sure she is informed. After that its up to her really.

Im just worried that the poor girl is making a grave mistake because she has one friend that is a single mother that is doing great. However, she is well educated and truely self sufficient. Also there were no alcohol or disorders involved. Her defence is "If she can do it, so can i"



Originally posted by spike98


Negative. I am in a relationship already. She is simply a friend that i have known for a while. She is a good kid inside and means well and i just dont want her to be like the "Pregnant and 16" girls.



Originally posted by benyl
Didn't read all the responses, but it isn't up to you to "convince" her of anything.

She needs to be made aware of all the options and the decision is up to her. It is her body after all and SHE will have to live with the consequences of HER decision.

That is unless of course, you are the father.

[beyond_ban]

Personally i thinking abortion is kind of sick, although seemingly necessary at some point. In this case it almost seems logical, but not 100% necessary as adoption is definitely an option.

I had a friend who recently got pregnant and did not know what to do because she could not sustain it, didn't want to adopt it and decided she could not abort it. Luckily (tongue in cheek) she had a miscarriage at a move theater when she was 2 weeks along.

A tough situation no matter what the circumstances, but i wish her (and you?) all the best.

[Masked Bandit]

Have her ask her doctor (if she has one) to refer her for counselling (sp?). And this means now, not in a week. She needs to get this dealt with right away.

[TorqueDog]

I used to get my shirts dry-cleaned and hung, and I'd always end up with all these extra coat-hangers... so if you need any.






... Just sayin'.

[spike98]

Originally posted by Masked Bandit
Have her ask her doctor (if she has one) to refer her for counselling (sp?). And this means now, not in a week. She needs to get this dealt with right away.

Im going to suggest this tonight. I am also going to suggest she inform her doctor about her activities pre and during the first 15 weeks. Perhaps a few actual professional oppionions would be informative.

[SJW]

Abortion is just a 12 step process.

[freshprince1]

Despite the struggles and hardships, having a kid is not the end of the world. Materialistic things can come and go, but if she wants the kid, she shouldn't make the decision not to have because she's not financially stable. If she doesn't want the kid, maybe think about adoption. You can guess where I stand on the issue. At least give the baby a chance.

(Good POint MaskedBandit) Edit: If severe birth defects are known to exist, that would play into the decsion too. Health of Baby and Mother should be the primary concern.

***Flame Suit on***

[WildWolf]

In Calgary there is a pregnancy help centre.

http://www.pregcare.com/

Perhaps they can be of some assistance as they deal with all aspects, including adoption and abortion.

[Masked Bandit]

Originally posted by freshprince1
Despite the struggles and hardships, having a kid is not the end of the world. Materialistic things can come and go, but if she wants the kid, she shouldn't make the decision not to have because she's not financially stable. If she doesn't want the kid, maybe think about adoption. You can guess where I stand on the issue. At least give the baby a chance.

Flame Suit on.

Generally speaking I agree with you on this. However I think there is a concern in this situation with the baby being born handicapped / messed up due to the drinking and such. Dealing with a kid when you're not ready / mature is one thing. Dealing with a disabled kid in that situation is devastating.

[kaput]

.

[Melinda]

There's still an okay chance that the baby is fine, but it's a toss up for sure. I'm incredibly pro choice but just like a pp said, it isn't your job to convince her. If you push her too hard, she might even stop talking to you about it completely.

Her best option is to talk to someone about it who is in a totally neutral position. A psychologist is a good option, and they even have councellers at the Kensington clinic (Calgary's abortion clinic) that specialize in this stuff. Women who go through an abortion have to see one anyways so that they can be certain that the woman is making this choice for herself and not being forced into it. Perhaps she can call there and see if she can get in to speak to one of them?

Also, the basic proceedure of abortion is only really done up until 12 weeks or so. Beyond that it becomes a little more invasive. The longer she waits to make a decision, the less decision there will be to make. Perhaps she's counting on that though, I dont know.

Regardless of what she decides, she needs to start eating and taking care of herself. If nothing else, you should help her see that. Anorexic girls can actually cause a baby to be born with the same disease. Pregnant women don't need to eat a ton more, they only actually need 300 more calories a day than a normal healthy female diet.

[Tomaz]

There is a very good chance the kid is going to be fucked up. The evolution of the child will be fucked even if it came out "normal".

From a substandard family, to a drunk teen, to odd upbringing. It just leads down the path of shitty quality of life. I understand that it's not always the case, but a lot of the time it is.

Terminate the pregnacy. It will not be selfish of her. In fact, it would be a blessing to her, and her family.

Sounds like the girl needs a fucking role model.

And just to add to the perception of frustration i am trying to portray:

Fuck!:banghead:








































Pics?

[beyond_ban]

lol^

[CUG]

Not the end of the world, but it will severely delay any kind of self-improvement. She will be in Calgary housing within a year. I hate to say it. Seen this lots.

It's too bad. Her life isn't ruined, just made more difficult. Guys won't date her and take her seriously, and any academic improvement won't occur until her later 20s or possibly 30's.

Hope I'm wrong, but I'm probably not.

[Laoz]

Your friend is not very smart.

[adidas]

You can definitely tell who has been through such experiences by their responses in this thread. Maturity will eventually catch up to you, and you will think back to this thread and ask yourself why you would say such a thing.

As for a reply to the OP....

I suggest she talks to a counselor, I know there is one in downtown(4th street and 12th ave sw, inside the walk in clinic). There is also one in the professional building across the peter lougheed hospital. I suggest that she goes ASAP, in case she needs to start taking the right steps immediately.

Let her make the decision on her own, you can only guide her and say what you think is best, at the end of the day she will be one that says the final word.

If you need further help with this situation feel free to PM me.

[Jlude]

Originally posted by TorqueDog
I used to get my shirts dry-cleaned and hung, and I'd always end up with all these extra coat-hangers... so if you need any.






... Just sayin'.

didn't expect you to be the first, but now you've gone and opened the flood gates.

[TomcoPDR]

You should definitely get her some help OP, and that's right, not within anyone's choice as to what she wants to do.

If I was pregnant (which I'm not), I'd want the end decision to be mine and take responsiblity for those decisions.

[can't hide]

Originally posted by TomcoPDR
You should definitely get her some help OP, and that's right, not within anyone's choice as to what she wants to do.

If I was pregnant (which I'm not), I'd want the end decision to be mine and take responsiblity for those decisions.

Very true. Having regrets later on over a decision that feels like it was made by someone else (because of pressure or whatever else) even if the supporters mean well can also be damaging in the long run.

[Wrinkly]

Originally posted by kaput
Terminate and get help with the other 20 issues you identified, or in 10 years she'll be wrestling in chocolate pudding and incoherrently defending criminals on the internet.

OMG..... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Originally posted by benyl
That is unless of course, you are the father.

When I read that^ I couldn't help but think of the Maury show and "spike98...you ARE the Father!" :rofl: (j/k)



Seriously - I am pretty much pro life, but I'm even more pro a woman's right to choose.

No-one can make this decision for her, she has to do that for herself (with guidance, yes. But ultimately her choice). Whether the baby is ok or not, is a total crapshoot. Babies have been through way worse pregnancies and come out perfectly healthy. Others have excellent prenatal care, perfect behaviour from the mother during pregnancy, but don't. You just never can tell.

I wish her luck.

[Shlade]

let me get this straight..

The supposed father said he plans on having nothing to do with the baby and plans on dissapearing?

Adress, name, phone number.

Ill go set him straight.

Nothing fucking pisses me off more than a pussy bitch like that not being held accountable for his own stupid fucking actions.

Dumb mother fucker!

I hope everything works out for your friend, Very crappy situation.

[swak]

condoms... They're a good investment.

[derran.m]

Originally posted by Shlade
let me get this straight..

The supposed father said he plans on having nothing to do with the baby and plans on dissapearing?

Adress, name, phone number.

Ill go set him straight.

Nothing fucking pisses me off more than a pussy bitch like that not being held accountable for his own stupid fucking actions.

Dumb mother fucker!

I hope everything works out for your friend, Very crappy situation.

:werd:
need some help with that? I'll gladly join in some dead-beat-dad beating ...
coming from experience ... i was that guy who didnt know wtf to do when i knocked up my woman .... now for some reason my life is better than ever... I have an amazing family, I own a house, and I have a great career ... best thing that ever happened to me was to DO THE RIGHT THING! It was a wake up call to grow the fuck up and do what u gotta!

[spike98]

Well i talked to her last night.

I told her my views on it all. I printed off a list of websites with some information and a few places she can go to talk to someone about her situation. Ball is in her court now.

I explained to her that i just want her to think about it and make an informed decision.

As for the father, yea he is a douche but after telling her that i am sure i can convince him otherwise, she said she wouldnt tell. I am sure later on in life she will push to have him involved. At least i hope anyways!

Thanks for everyones awesome input :thumbsup:

Now for TorqueDog.....

Unused coat hangers arent how you do it. Its the rusty ones out of the back of the closet. That way, if you cant reach it all, the infection will take care of the rest! HAHA

[4bier]

Originally posted by derran.m


:werd:
need some help with that? I'll gladly join in some dead-beat-dad beating ...
coming from experience ... i was that guy who didnt know wtf to do when i knocked up my woman .... now for some reason my life is better than ever... I have an amazing family, I own a house, and I have a great career ... best thing that ever happened to me was to DO THE RIGHT THING! It was a wake up call to grow the fuck up and do what u gotta! :thumbsup:
but if she decides to abort im sure she ll be in the same senario in no time.

[Feruk]

Originally posted by kaput
Terminate and get help with the other 20 issues you identified, or in 10 years she'll be wrestling in chocolate pudding and incoherrently defending criminals on the internet.

I see what you did there. :rofl:

[psycoticclown]

Originally posted by spike98
Now for TorqueDog.....

Unused coat hangers arent how you do it. Its the rusty ones out of the back of the closet. That way, if you cant reach it all, the infection will take care of the rest! HAHA

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[abyss]

I hope she makes the choice she can live with the best. A counsellor should definitely be in her circle of health care providers, and she should definitely start taking care of herself better and get some prenatal care ASAP. Either way, there are options available to her, and FASD is such a broad range thing, that baby might come out perfectly fine, you just never know. Abortion this late is possible but like Mel said, definitely a very invasive procedure, but if it's what she feels is best then support her if she decides to go that route, she'll need it. I would suggest adoption but that's just because I know how many families there are out there who are desperate for a child (any child) versus how many babies are actually available.

[Rat Fink]

.

[ExtraSlow]

Originally posted by Rat Fink
Beyond abortion clinic and pizzaria....your loss is our sauce! no fetus can beat us!
Fuck, I lol'ed HARD for that one. I hate you, and I hate myself now too, nice job asshole.

[TorqueDog]

Originally posted by spike98
Now for TorqueDog.....

Unused coat hangers arent how you do it. Its the rusty ones out of the back of the closet. That way, if you cant reach it all, the infection will take care of the rest! HAHA ROFL. :rofl:

[BlackArcher101]

Originally posted by Rat Fink
Beyond abortion clinic and pizzaria....your loss is our sauce! no fetus can beat us!

I'm going to hell. :rofl:

[Dope7]

Kids dont put the rubber on anymore?

[msommers]

Originally posted by Rat Fink
Beyond abortion clinic and pizzaria....your loss is our sauce! no fetus can beat us!

10 minutes later, I'm still laughing at this :rofl:

[Tomaz]

Originally posted by Rat Fink
Beyond abortion clinic and pizzaria....your loss is our sauce! no fetus can beat us!

That was my voicemail message for a while! Needless to say, i changed it :(

[brownchild]

Number one parents in the world are poor Chinese and Indians with beautiful children, give em a chance, dont beleive the hype, remember Pac was a crack baby. Most of us were "malnutrioned". If your a decent human being you can make it, plus the the doctors tell the women not to eat seafood if your pregnant here. :dunno: . But the people that reproduce the most, thats a daily staple in their lives.

[Melinda]

Originally posted by brownchild
Number one parents in the world are poor Chinese and Indians with beautiful children, give em a chance, dont beleive the hype, remember Pac was a crack baby. Most of us were "malnutrioned". If your a decent human being you can make it, plus the the doctors tell the women not to eat seafood if your pregnant here. :dunno: . But the people that reproduce the most, thats a daily staple in their lives.
WTF? :english: If you don't know what you're talking about, don't bother posting.

[TorqueDog]

Originally posted by Melinda
WTF? :english: If you don't know what you're talking about, don't bother posting. No kidding. And change your signature. Listing every car you've ever owned and sold makes you look like a colossal fucking ass-hat.

[LittleAngel]

[i]

Personally, I am of the opinion that even at 15 weeks, this is not a baby yet. So it is pretty obvious as well what my own standpoint would be.

[/B]

a baby is a baby since day one... note: this baby, at 15 weeks has a strong heart beat, and you are now into the 2nd trimester... if your gonna abort do it before 8 weeks (just my opinion)

Only the mother to be can make this choice, but if she is against abortion, maybe the choice is adoption...