Joke Thread, good ones, bad ones etc...

[sillysod]

A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into the bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."





































The old man starts to cry again, "But you fuck one goat..."


***********************

whats brown and sticky...

a stick


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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

***********************

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard


***********************

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[Jeremiah]

I think we had different childhoods, i was never forced to have anal sex as a kid :dunno:

[GoChris]

Originally posted by Jeremiah
I think we had different childhoods, i was never forced to have anal sex as a kid :dunno:

This was probably an attempt at making a joke. You did not succeed.

[Adachi]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasoreass

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss

[sillysod]

do you know the difference between martin luther king day and st patricks day?




everybody wants to be irish on st patricks day!


**********************


Guy walks into a diner and sees a sign on the wall: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

He looks at the attractive waitress and says "are you the one who gives the handjobs"?.
She looks seductively back at him and says "why yes I am, can I help you"?.

The man replies "go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich"

[Jlude]

We already have several joke threads.


http://forums.beyond.ca/st/137839/random-joke-thread/

[sillysod]

Originally posted by Jlude
We already have several joke threads.


http://forums.beyond.ca/st/137839/random-joke-thread/
thought so, searched 3x for joke thread and no joy...

http://forums.beyond.ca/search.php?s=&action=showresults&q=joke&searchid=8515081&sortby=lastpost&sortorder=descending

[in*10*se]

Originally posted by Jeremiah
I think we had different childhoods, i was never forced to have anal sex as a kid :dunno:

I'm sure you had a different childhood... i guess its a lot different when you just want anal sex as a kid.

[Jlude]

Originally posted by sillysod

thought so, searched 3x for joke thread and no joy...

http://forums.beyond.ca/search.php?s=&action=showresults&q=joke&searchid=8515081&sortby=lastpost&sortorder=descending

I think it's cause you searched "Jokes" instead of Joke and non of the titles say Jokes.

[Xtrema]

Ask Rick Astley to borrow a few Pixar movies, he said:























"Here're Cars, Monster Inc and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"

[sillysod]

Jlude, searched both....

Took me a while to figure out rick astley one... then I lol'd

[Awd-Tsi]

What's red and smells like blue paint?









Red paint

[Awd-Tsi]

Why couldn't the little kid go see pirates of the carribean?


Because it was rated rrrrrrrrrr

[Swank]

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

**********************************************

Tarzan is sleeping in his treetop abode dreaming of leopard skin clad beauties and finally awakes with a raging hard-on. He needs satisfaction but can't seem to find it anywhere. He is just about to lose his mind when he spots his chimp buddy Cheetah and asks him what he would do to relieve himself. Cheetah points to a sap covered tree and says," I always use a nice sticky knot hole."
Tarzan thinks this is a good idea and starts goin' at it. About 15 minutes later Jane comes around the corner and sees this apeman humping a tree and says, "what are you doing that for. You need a woman. A woman can do much better that that tree."
Tarzan is confused and says, "Woman? What is woman?"
Jane lays down on the jungle floor and says, "this is woman." and spreads her legs.
Tarzan sees this and starts kicking her in the crotch as hard as he can. Jane jumps up quickly and yells at him. "What the hell did you do that for?!?!?!?!"
Tarzan replies matter-of-factly, "Checking for squirrels."

[jazzyb]

If a tree falls on a woman does anyone hear it?























I don't know, but what was a tree doing in the kitchen!

[Boat]

^ lol :clap:

[Kennyredline]

A guy is driving down the road and sees a sign that reads "Talking dog for sale, $10". Curious, he pulls in to the driveway and sees a golden retriever lying on the grass. As he walks to the dog, it says "Hey, what's shakin?" The man is astonished and says "holy shit, you really CAN talk!!!" The dog says "Of course..." and goes on to relive his accounds as a spy for the Russian army, and how he single-handedly prevented WW III by mediating aggresive talks between China and the U.S.
The dogs owner then comes out to find the man chatting with the dog and asks if he had any questions. The man, clearly amazed says to the owner "I just can't believe it, a talking dog...I have to ask why you only want $10 for him, did he not tell YOU of his exploits?"
The owner looks at the man and says, yes, a talking dog is amazing, but I'm selling this one for $10 because he's a fucking liar; he never did any of that shit!"

[CUG]

What do you call the sweat that forms on a mans testicle sack while he's fucking his sister?















Relative Humidity.

[sillysod]

SON OF A BITCH FISH!

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

.

.

.

.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You Fuckers are my kind of people!"





************************

Two cops go to do a next-of-kin death notification.

The old man comes to the door and one cop says, "I've got good news and bad news".

The old man, "What's the bad news?'"

"Your son has been dressing up as a prostitute and giving free blow jobs to the homeless men down by the water front", the cop replies.

"Well what's the good news" the old man asks.

The cop says, "He's been murdered"

[gam0s]

whats green, has four legs and if it feel from a tree it would kill you.


a pool table


haha lol i got that from two and a half men

[silver03gt]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?


















Dr. Dre

[RecoilS14]

^^ gold

[se7en]

what do i call a fish with no eyes?

















a ffffffsssshhhhh

[beyond_ban]

Originally posted by silver03gt
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Poop :dunno:

[Tomaz]

How many black people does it take to clean a toilet?

None, it's a woman's job.
















I am going to wait for someone else to drop some racist jokes so I don't seem so bad. :poosie:

[almerick]

What do you call a camel with no humps?







Humphrey

[sillysod]

Originally posted by Tomaz

I am going to wait for someone else to drop some racist jokes so I don't seem so bad. :poosie:

yeah I have a few too, but don't want to get smashed with the ban-hammer or get bumped down to 97%.

[dj_rice]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan
Desert.



During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.



He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.



The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The
Camel".



The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'



About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with
passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.



Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.



When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'



'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls
are."

[JRSC00LUDE]

Originally posted by beyond_ban


Poop :dunno:

Read the whole joke! :rofl:

[Marsh]

Do you know how Tiger Woods got his name?

Because he's a mix of a Thai and a Nigger.

[Sharpie]

New antidepressant for lesbians











Trycoxagain

[civicrider]

whats faster then a speeding bullet?





















a jew with a coupon

[Crymson]

Sooo... are we all systems go with the racist jokes then?

[beyond_ban]

Originally posted by JRSC00LUDE
Read the whole joke! :rofl:

Haha, i did but this answer seemed logical too.


Originally posted by Crymson
Sooo... are we all systems go with the racist jokes then?

Obviously not you dumb honkey.

[Awd-Tsi]

What's the diff between a Jew and a canoe?























Canoes tip

[silver03gt]

^^ :rofl:
In the voice of Dr. Evil: I haven't laughed like that since I was a little girl, thank you.

[sillysod]

What to you call 2 indians having sex?





Rubbing alcohol

[Dave P]

In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor... The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."

haha zing!!!!!

[Sorath]

Originally posted by Awd-Tsi
What's red and smells like blue paint?



My car, LOL

[Squishy]

Originally posted by Tomaz
How many black people does it take to clean a toilet?

None, it's a woman's job.






I am going to wait for someone else to drop some racist jokes so I don't seem so bad. :poosie:
Now now Tomaz.. :poosie:

[kvg]

If I tell some racist jokes will I get banned or beat up? Or both?:dunno:

Moderator?:dunno:

[zieg]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. Immediately, the bartender says "Hey, you cant bring that in here!" The guy replies, "He's well trained, don't worry". So the bartender lets him stay.

Moments later, the monkey wanders off to the pool table and climbs up onto it. He picks up the 8 ball, takes a good look at it, and swallows it whole. Naturally the bartender kicks them out.

A few weeks later the same guy returns, monkey in tow. The same bartender is working and tells the guy he doesn't want his monkey in there again. The guy pleads for the bartender to let him stay, saying that last time was an isolated incident and it won't happen again. Bartender agrees and lets him stay.

This time, the monkey climbs up onto the counter and walks over to a bowl of grapes. He picks one up, takes a look at it, and shoves it up his ass. Then he pulls the grape out, looks at it again, and eats it.

The bartender says "oh, gross! what's wrong with him?"

The owner says "Oh, well ever since he had to pass that 8 ball, he measures everything before he eats it now."

[01RedDX]

.

[Shlade]

so random guy is driving threw some back roads in vegas just doing his thing and listening to music. a huge group of bikers come along and start smashing the car telling him to pull over... So he eventually pulls over. the bikers bring him out of the car and tell him "were going to rob you and destroy your car!"

they grab the guy and bring him to where the sand is and draw a box for him to stay in and say "if you get out of this box WELL KILL YOU"

He says ok i wont get out of the box. The bikers knowing they have him scared they start smashing his car as they walk away. the man starts giggling. they look back and think nothing of it. take a bat to the windshield and completly smash it and pop all the tires.. the man starts laughing histerically.. they turn around and ask "WHAT THE FUCK IS SO FUNNY LITTLE MAN? WERE BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR CAR" the man says sorry and all goes back to silence.

the bikers having enough throw gasoline on the car and set it on fire.. the man is now laughing so hard he could barley contain himself. When they walk up to him and ask whats so damn funny about his car being destroyed,

just silence.. they walk away and get on their bikes. As their about to leave he says I stepped out of the box 3 times while you guys werent looking :D

[dandia89]

hahah ^:rofl:

[sillysod]

A young blonde decides to try horseback riding,even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately,her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.