Jokes... Post them

[swak]

I know there was an old thread for this, but i cannot find it in the search.
So lets get er rolling again.

-----------------------
What do you call a man from pakistan who has been everywhere and done everything?

Bindere Dundat
-------------------------
What did the Ocean say to the Beach?

Nothing... It just waved.
------------------------
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre
-------------------------
A pregnant woman and her man was in the E.R. She was giving birth to her first child. It was a long hard fight, but when the kid eventually got out the doctor immediatly throws it across the room and into the wall. Both parents are so shockey they just stand there stuttering. The doctor runs over to the baby, picks it up and do a faboulus touch down motion and slams the baby in the floor. The father, still in shock, manage to pull out the words "what the fuck are you doing?" and starts crying along with his wife.

The doctor replies without hesitation and with a smile on his face "I'm just kidding, it was already dead when it came out"
----------------------------
& This ones the worst ive heard in a while....

How do you know your sister is on her period?

Your dads dick tastes funny.

[freshprince1]

Originally posted by swak

-------------------------
A pregnant woman and her man was in the E.R. She was giving birth to her first child. It was a long hard fight, but when the kid eventually got out the doctor immediatly throws it across the room and into the wall. Both parents are so shockey they just stand there stuttering. The doctor runs over to the baby, picks it up and do a faboulus touch down motion and slams the baby in the floor. The father, still in shock, manage to pull out the words "what the fuck are you doing?" and starts crying along with his wife.

The doctor replies without hesitation and with a smile on his face "I'm just kidding, it was already dead when it came out"
----------------------------


So. Wrong.

But I lol'd...and I feel terrible.

[baygirl]

Originally posted by freshprince1



So. Wrong.

But I lol'd...and I feel terrible.
+1

[desi112]

last two are awesome

[Jlude]

I just searched thread titles with the word "jokes"

The whole first page is nothing but joke threads.

http://forums.beyond.ca/search.php?s=&action=showresults&q=jokes&searchid=8953472&sortby=lastpost&sortorder=descending

[bball2]

An 89-year old Irishman is walking his grandson, visiting from the States, around his village. "My son," he says, "I've lived in this village my entire life, and I've done a lot over the years to help my community." "I have helped many of my neighbors construct their houses, the place they call home. Yet nobody points to me as I pass and says 'There goes Seamus, the house builder.' "I served as a judge for a long period of time, always striving to be fair. Yet nobody points to me as I pass and says 'There goes Seamus, the just.' "A I have a large, healthy, happy family. I've been blessed with a loving wife, 5 wonderful children, and many many grandchildren. Yet nobody points to me as I pass and says 'There goes Seamus, the head of his clan.'" And then Seamus stops, turns to his grandson, and stares him in the eyes with a very serious look on his face. "But you fuck one goat..."

---

And old man walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 86 years old and I've never had anything like this happen to me before.

My eyes are bad, so I've been taking the bus for years. Well yesterday morning, I missed the bus, so I had to walk home. Along the way, a blue convertible drove up with two college girls who offered me a ride.

They must have been drunk or something, because on the way home, they started talking about sex. The giggled more and more as we drove trying to outdo each other by telling of their greatest sexual escapades. Well before I knew it, they had driven me to their apartment where all three of us had the most amazing sex! I don't know how they did it considering my age, but they kept me going all night! And this morning, they even coaxed a few more out of me. It was unbelieveable!"

"I see," said the priest, "and tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?"

"Never"

"Never?"

"Never, Father. I'm jewish."

"Then why are you telling me this?!?"

With a shit eating grin the old man replies, "Im telling everybody!"

---

Nun comes back after a day off all distressed. The Mother Superior sees this and ass the Nun to see her in her office. The Nun sits dow and says "I have a confession to make Mothe Superior."

"What is it my child?" responds the Mother Superior

"I blasphemed today." admits the Nun

"How did this happen?" asks the Mother Superior.

The Nun goes on to explain... "Well, you know that before I gave my life to Christ I used to be a really good golfer?... so I went golfing with my brother and there was this monster of a par 5. It was 590 yards long with a wicked dog-leg left and sand traps everywhere. I teed off and het the best shot of my life... I totally nailed it, and when it was aboput to stop rolling, this squirrel came up and grabbed the ball then took off down the fairway.

"Is that when you blasphemed?" asked the Mother Superior

"The Nun replied "No actually because as the squirrel was running along with my golfball, an Eagle came swooping down and picked up the squirrel."

"Is THAT when you blasphemed?" asked the Mother Superior

"No because as the eagle was flying along the squirrel started squirming and my golfball dropped onto the green a mere 18 inches from the cup."

The Mother Superior leans back in her chair, looks at the Nun, crosses her arms and says "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

---

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

---

Three men were walking along in the forest when they were captured by a group of cannibals. The king of the cannibals gives the three men a challenge "If you complete this challenge, you will go free, if not we will eat you." The three men, not wanting to die, agree to hear the challenge.

"You most go in to the forest and pick out 10 of any fruit you find, bring those fruits back here" the king says.

The three men head out in search of their fruit. The first man comes back with 10 apples in his hands, happy as can be. The king then says "You must shove those 10 apples up your butt without making a sound" The man reluctantly agrees to try. He gets the first one up without a sound, but screams in agony on the second and is killed and eaten.

The second man comes back with 10 grapes in his hand. Again the king states the challenge. The 10 fruit up the ass, without any sound. This is going to be easy he thinks. He gets through the first 9 without a single sound. Just as he is about to shove the 10th grape up he bursts out in laughter. He is killed immediately.

The second guy still laughing meets the first guy up in heaven. The first guy says, "What's so funny? You could have still been alive!" He replies "I saw our buddy coming back with 10 pineapples and a huge smile"

---

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!"

[brownboi]

a man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him he is dying of cancer and only has a week to live.

he goes around all week telling people he is dying of AIDS.

he goes bak to the doctor for a follow up and the doctor says " your wife says you have been telling people your dying od AIDS but i told you it was cancer? "

the man replies " ya i know, i wana make sure none of my friends fuck my wife when im gone ! "

----------------------------------------------------------

Man applies for a job with the police.

the inspector says " these are the best qualifications ive ever seen ! just one test before you get the job, Take this gun, go and shoot 6 pakistanis, 6 muslims, 6 punjabis and a rabbit"

the man replies " why the rabbit?"

inspector replies " fantastic attitude! see you on monday!"

( i swear i am not racistt!! lol its the joke i got sent to me )

[corsvette]

This guys sitting at the bar admiring this very hot blonde sitting at a table by herself, after a few drinks he gets some courage and walks up to her " after hot sex, i'd like to smother myself in between your breasts and fall asleep"

F*&@ off you pig! she exclaims.

A 1/2 hour goes by and he walks back up to her and says " i'd love to fill your cunt up with fine whisky and drink from it all night long"

wham! she tosses her drink into the guys face, SCREW OFF she screams.

A few moments go by when her huge muscle bound boyfriend walks in and sits beside her. "See that creep over there"? she said, "he's been coming on to me all night now" "oh really" he said as he starts to roll his sleeves up," Yeah he said he wants to smother himself in my boobs, and drink whiskey from my pussy all night" the girl exclaims.The usualy hot tempered jealous boyfriend just sits there and starts to roll his sleeves back down and orders a drink.

"aren't you going to go beat the tar outa that creep" ? she asked

" nope" he said " i ain't messing with no man who can drink that much whiskey"!:rofl:

[CUG]

What do you call the sweat that forms on a guys scrotum while he's in copulation with his sister?

Relative Humidity.

[TimG]

...so this baby seal walks into a club....

[brownboi]

whats the difference between a bowling ball and a hooker?

nothing, they both get picked up, fingered and then banged down some alley

[texasnick]

I'm also not a racist, but my joke may be a little bit.......

What do you get when you cross an octopus, a giraffe and a Mexican?

I don't know either, but you've got one hell of a fruit picker.

/racism

[bbcustoms]

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".

So he stabs her & jacks her purse.


-------------------------

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?



If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

-------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a CPA guy shouted, "hey what's your disability?"



I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

-------------------------

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop fapping.
I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

-------------------------

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"


That kinky bitch.

[bbcustoms]

Originally posted by swak


This ones the worst ive heard in a while....




I'll kick it up a notch for ya



How do you make a 3 year old cry twice?
























































































After you finish raping her wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

[Freeskier]

Dude. So old.

I'll top all you fuckers with one my charming brother told me today. I almost punched him in the jaw,

What the similarity between Madeline McCann and a submarine





Both are underwater filled with seamen

[Hakkola]

Originally posted by bball2

the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!"

http://i.imgur.com/Spzbs.gif

[sr20s14zenki]

Guy comes out of the bar, drunk out of his mind. He walks up to a few priests at a church down the block and says, "HEY, HEY, Im Jesus Christ"

The Priests look at eachother, and back at him, and say "you are not"

The guy goes "Yes i am, im jesus christ and ill prove it, Follow me"

So, out of curiosity, the priests follow him, and he takes them to the pub he just came from, and they all walk in the door, and the bartender says "Oh Jesus Christ not you again"




Joke 2

Guy comes out of a bar pissed out of his mind, and he sees a nun standing nearby, so he runs up and just beats the ever loving piss out of her for 10 minutes. After all is said and done, he walks up to her and bends down and whispers to her "Not so tuff tonight, are you batman...."

[SCHIDER23]

Saw this one on another forum :D

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, Yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

[95teetee]

Originally posted by freshprince1



So. Wrong.

But I lol'd...and I feel terrible.



Originally posted by baygirl

+1

+2



My girlfriend said she was going to start working out. She said she wants to lose her love handles. I told her she'd look pretty funny with no ears.

[bbcustoms]

American supermarkets are incredible places, I went into the Tucson Safeway and was totally blown away

[adam c]

Originally posted by bbcustoms
American supermarkets are incredible places, I went into the Tucson Safeway and was totally blown away

too soon

[gqmw]

Originally posted by adam c


too soon

+1

way too soon

[kertejud2]

What's black, 12 inches long and makes women scream?






























Crib death.

[desi112]

Originally posted by bbcustoms
American supermarkets are incredible places, I went into the Tucson Safeway and was totally blown away

hahahah to good.

[chongkee_]

My favorite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

--------
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[Hage69]

Daughter: Hey mum I'm going to my room with my boyfriend.
Mum: Okay don't do anything stupid
*GF & BF go into bedroom*
Daughter screams: Baby, baby, baby, ohh!
*Mum runs into her room*
Mum: What are you doing!?!?!?!?
Daughter: Mum we're having sex, get out!
Mum: Oh thank god I thought you were listening to justin beiber.

[Crymson]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[jus_sum_guy]

What are women good for??

Life support for vagina!

[frozenrice]

A midget was walking through the office one day when he passed a female coworker. He takes a whiff as she passes him and says : "My how nice your hair smells today!" That's when the fight started…

[Twin_Cam_Turbo]

What's more embarrassing than locking the keys in your car? Having to go into the abortion clinic you just came out of to ask for a coat hanger...

[Vinman]

Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth ducked...

[swak]

The girlfriend and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to fish!"

------------------------

How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex?

Phone her up and tell her about it!



EDIT: Thats freakin' awesome TWIN_CAM! :rofl: :rofl:

[swak]

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

- 1 bar of soap
- 1 toothbrush
- 1 tube of toothpaste
- 1 loaf of bread
- 1 pint of milk
- 1 single serving of cereal
- 1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"













He says, "Because you're fucking ugly"

[project240]

The other day I was flying home from Vancouver.

The captain does his usual "we will be cruising at 35000 feet" but then he put the mic down and forgets to turn it off. He then turns to his co-pilot and says, "you know, all I could use right now is a fucking blowjob and a cup of coffee."

So then this stewardess goes bombing up to the front from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone is still on and this guy at the back of the plane shouts,

"Hey Hun, don't forget the coffee!!"

[dandia89]

Originally posted by project240
The other day I was flying home from Vancouver.

The captain does his usual "we will be cruising at 35000 feet" but then he put the mic down and forgets to turn it off. He then turns to his co-pilot and says, "you know, all I could use right now is a fucking blowjob and a cup of coffee."

So then this stewardess goes bombing up to the front from the back of the plane to tell him that his microphone is still on and this guy at the back of the plane shouts,

"Hey Hun, don't forget the coffee!!"
you've never been on a plane

[FraserB]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail.
Lobster. Champagne.

I asked her, “Honey, does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

No,” she replied, “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I just smiled and said "Enjoy...."

[project240]

Originally posted by dandia89

you've never been on a plane

Yeah, but it's better if you tell it in the first person. :thumbsup:

[FraserB]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and wrong that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.













So, they buried Susie.

[bball2]

A man wanted to get married.

He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.

She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000.

She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[nykz]

Why have women never been to the moon?
Nothing needs to be cleaned there yet


A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, because I really miss mine






THE HUSBAND STORE

Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign shows :

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor, and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Kennyredline]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn’t what they had in mind.



After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.



Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.



Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person
does that to someone’s Advent calendar…



I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

[spikerS]

sorry it is all in caps, it is copied and pasted from an email and don't want to retype it.

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID, 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'







THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'

[J-hop]

drop into word, highlight, shift-F3 :thumbsup:

[Vagabond142]

It's said that the Irish saved civilization. Then they had a couple of pints and forgot where they put it.

-Robin Williams

[Dave P]

Whats the difference between Ironman and Iron Woman?

Ironman is a hero, Iron Woman is a smile command

[Dumbass17]

a baby seal walks into a club...

[Kennyredline]

An elderley couple are sitting in church. The old woman whispers to her husband "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"

The husband says "Change the batteries in your hearing aid."

[Mar]

For your flat chested friends: Here's a joke so funny you'll laugh your tits off! Oh, I see you've already heard that one.



I was with this girl last night that said, "Give me 12 inches and make it hurt!" So I stuck it in her 4 times and punched her in the face.

[R!zz0]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker

told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man

thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man named Jesus died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance."

[AutodreamFrank]

What sound does a baby make when it's in the microwave??





.....Couldn't tell ya, was too busy masterbating.

[PureDeXteritY]

What's the speed limit of Sex?
68, cause at 69 You gotta stop and turn around.

[01RedDX]

.