OnStar. How may I help you?

[Markham]

Hey guys

Neat little column by our tech guy about OnStar. But he forgot to mention it's now available on non-GM cars. Our next one is going to have it...

http://www.calgarybeacon.com/2011/06/onstar-how-may-i-help-you/

Markham

[SScott]

GUISE THIS IS A GREAT ARTICLE



Imagine this: you had the bad luck to be driving in downtown Vancouver just after the final game for the Stanley Cup. Suddenly, you are surrounded by a pack of – let’s be kind – wackos who start to rock your vehicle back and forth.

Then a voice, seemingly out of nowhere, emerges through your speaker system asking if you are ok AND IF YOU WEAR BOXERS OR BRIEFS

That is exactly what would happen if you owned an OnStar-equipped, General Motors vehicle. You don’t even have to push the big blue OnStar button because, with OnStar, your vehicle is equipped with advanced motion sensors – an accelerometer which detects any unusual motion change that triggers OnStar’s command centre to check in on you.

Advanced emergency features

OnStar has certainly come a long way since it was rolled out in 1996 at the Chicago Auto Show and in 1998 in Canada, debuting as a good old-fashioned analog cell phone handset which had to be installed by a dealer. It was only available in a couple of vehicles – Cadillacs in particular – at the time. CRUISIN IN THE STREET WITH MY 6-FO

“It was designed, originally, for emergency services, such as saving lives in the event of an airbag deployment,” Mark Alger, GM Canada manager, says now.

But within two years of its introduction, OnStar added hands-free calling; OMG HANDS FREE, IT'S A NEW TECHNOLOGIES GUISE - replacing the clunky cell phone with a computer module with a cellular data connection housed in a small metal box concealed within the vehicle. This was also when the control features first appeared as the now familiar buttons – the red emergency button, the big blue OnStar button, and the white hands-free calling button – on the car’s rear-view mirror.

Since then, there have also been enhancements to the airbag notification system and its emergency sensors. It now not only detects airbag deployment, it also detects when you’ve been in a crash and assesses and predicts the severity of the injury. Then, depending on the magnitude of the various sensor inputs – the car’s speed, velocity, direction, airbag indicators, as well as knowledge of the type of vehicle and driver (gender, age) – a call is placed to the vehicle and, if there is no response, critical details are relayed to emergency dispatchers.

Emergency-safety and security is the core behind OnStar, which, Alger says, is one of the main reasons why people subscribe to the service. FEARING MONGERING AT IT'S FINEST

But OnStar is now much more than that: it can also unlock doors remotely, with a simple call to OnStar. In fact, in Canada, unlocking doors remotely is done over 3,300 times per month.

But, Alger adds, “Some people are actually afraid to push the OnStar button. BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSSIES. They think maybe an ambulance or the police will come. People have strange notions of what may happen if they press the button.”

Even worse or even sad Alger says some people have actually traded in their cars without ever having once used to the system, which in most cases can be used free during a trial period

They don’t know what they’re missing. ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP I WAS SKINNY DIPPING IN A POND AND TOAD LATCHED ON TO MY DICK. Among other things, any vehicle with OnStar installed has a hands-free phone and an actual phone number, great for both safety and as a backup phone.

Surprisingly, phone minutes are relatively inexpensive, only $7.99 for 100 minutes, or $14.99 unlimited per month, and that includes long-distance and roaming charges. “It’s one of the most frequently used features in Canada, with 20,000,000 minutes sold every month.”

Another feature available to OnStar subscribers is the monthly diagnostic e-mail, a report card sent to over 26,000 Canadians (3.7M in North America) which lets them know the shape their vehicle is in. It advises them on the status of their brakes, air filter, tire pressure and more. It even advises when their oil and filter need replacing and other maintenance needs to be done.

“People don’t pop the hood of their cars anymore. They rely on e-mail notification,” says Alger.

Even better, if one of those idiot lights happens to pop-up on your dashboard, simply push the OnStar button and, within seconds or sooner, your advisor will be online and be happy to let you know what it means.

OnStar also offers Stolen Vehicle Assistance, AS IN, THEY HAVE BETTER ACCESS TO STEALING YOUR VEHICLE WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ALLEY WITH A LADY BOY, which works along with law enforcement, Stolen Vehicle Slowdown, which actually slows the car down to idling speed while the steering and braking functions remaining intact, and Remote Ignition Block, which disables the car from being started once it’s been turned off.

But OnStar hasn’t stopped there. THEY CONTINUE TO ROLL OUT REALLY FUCKING STUPID FEATURES THAT NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD PAY FOR.The system continues to evolve LIKE A FUCKING DINOSAUR OR AN APE, with more functionality being added that is easier to use. Its latest generation unit also offers a more natural and organic voice recognition. For example it allows the system to interpret the word “yes” if someone’s happens to say “ya” or “a –hum.”

Balancing safety and new features

But Alger says it’s becoming a balancing act between adding more features SUCKING DICK and safety: the company is currently beta-testing Facebook audio updates.

Finally, you don’t have to actually be in your car to use OnStar. YOU COULD BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH A BLUNT IN YOUR HAND AND A CUCUMBER IN YOUR ANUS. It recently rolled out the myLink, app, which provides vehicle functionality from an Apple iPhone or SmartPhone. The app includes door unlock/lock and remote start. It can even flash your lights and honk your horn if you’re lost in a huge parking lot. It also offers vehicle information such as tire pressure, fuel levels and even fuel range, which is very important now with the price of fuel, so you don’t have to wait for that monthly email.

OnStar’s raison-d’etre is still safety, EXPENSIVE HAND JOBS and security. However its added functionality and on-going enhancements has taken it from and an if-and-when-needed service to a useful and practical tool offering the convenience to help us cope with our hectic day-to-day lives.

[schocker]

Boy I am not going to click on the link to verify, but that article had some foul language and comments :rofl:

[G-ZUS]

^ LOL. OnStar sucks:facepalm:

[BrknFngrs]

:rofl: Love the creative writing in this article

[Zhariak]

Originally posted by G-ZUS
^ LOL. OnStar sucks:facepalm:

I love my Onstar :)

[BlackArcher101]

Originally posted by Markham
Hey guys

Neat little column by our tech guy about OnStar.

By "our" tech guy? Looks like it came from Troy Media and Greg Gazin.... unless he's on your staff?

[Disoblige]

Originally posted by BlackArcher101

By "our" tech guy? Looks like it came from Troy Media and Greg Gazin.... unless he's on your staff?

[googe]

http://www.google.com/search?q=%22OnStar+has+certainly+come+a+long+way+since+it+was+rolled+out+in+1996+at+the+Chicago+Auto+Show+and+in+1998+in+Canada%22&hl=en&safe=off&prmd=ivns&filter=0&biw=1227&bih=662

:rolleyes:

[Troll-ol]

ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP I WAS SKINNY DIPPING IN A POND AND TOAD LATCHED ON TO MY DICK

[Wannago]

Hennessey was testing a modded CTS-V, and OnStar decided to give them a call:

8As1zshWxn0&feature=player_embedded#at=69

[Disoblige]

Greg Gazin is known as The Gadget Guy, is a Tech Columnist, Podcaster, Small Business and Technology Speaker. He can be reached at Gadgetguy.CA or on Twitter
He is a Tech columnist, small business and technology speaker, and avid blogger and podcaster. Greg helps small businesses find ways to promote and market their businesses in an informative yet entertaining way.

Greg lives in Edmonton, Alberta Canada and can be reached at 780.424.1881

[craigcd]

I dont understand why OP always posts a random link with some useless article......then some one quotes the article into the thread. I always stumble into the threads haha.

[Troll-ol]

Originally posted by craigcd
I dont understand why OP always posts a random link with some useless article......then some one quotes the article into the thread. I always stumble into the threads haha. He makes money when people click it

[craigcd]

Everyone else seems to get banned for posting pay links?

[schocker]

Originally posted by craigcd
Everyone else seems to get banned for posting pay links?
Well it is not really a pay link, we just have it out for the beacon, so we prefer not to click on the links :rofl:
surrey becaon though, lol

[chkolny541]

great article sscot