The Official Beyond Joke Thread

[asp integra]

Everyone loves a good joke, from quick hitters to long stories with a terrible punch line.
Its about time we had a thread to share our favourite jokes.

My favourite quick hitters:

-So a Dad walks into his sons room and says "Son, If you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind." The son looks up and says "Dad, I'm over here!"

-Johnnies teacher asked his his weekend was. Johnny said "it was terrible, a car hit my dog in the ass!" The teacher corrected and said "Rectum".
Johnny said "Rectum, damn near killed em!"

-Say what you will about pedophiles, but at least they slow down in School Zones.

[max_boost]

I thought this thread was gonna be about who the biggest joke on Beyond is .... I was going to nominate myself first and then ZenOps second lol

[jwslam]

I thought this thread was gonna be about who the biggest joke on Beyond is .... I was going to nominate myself first and then ZenOps second lol
Lol.
Mar_Boost

Back on topic, the English language is a joke:
81369

[blownz]

^ So true about English. I have never felt dumber than when trying to teach my kids to read with all the exceptions in English.

Reminds me of this (must read out loud):


The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

Herr Schmidt

[Sentry]

How come nobody likes jokes about Jim Jones?
The punchline is too long.

I tried some recipies from the Anarchist's cookbook.
They tasted like shit.

What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?
Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

[ianmcc]

Q. How can you tell if your dog is gay?
A. His dick tastes like shit.

[pheoxs]

780tuners.

That’s the whole joke.

[Ekliptix]

What do you call a guy with no shins?







Tony.

[btimbit]

How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the Fresh Prints

[asp integra]

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

[Crazyjoker77]

Why don't women wear watches?

There's a clock on the stove !

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Why do women wear white on the wedding day?

Matches the appliances !

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Whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne ?

One comes on you after puberty !

[SOAB]

my 7 year old told me this one:

When is a car not a car?

When it is turning into a parking lot.

[ianmcc]

In honor of St. Patricks Day...

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

[spikerS]

This thread needs to devolve a ways before I start telling my way non-PC jokes.