BumpinTalon
06-01-2005, 01:49 PM
This is funny.
1. Lamborghini Countach
What they left out: "The Countach might have done 200+ in some fevered Italian's dreams, but when actually tested it usually blew up around 180 mph. The wing blocks the 2 two inches of rear visibility this car ever had, leaving 190 degrees of blind spot, and the side mirrors just show fenders and airscoops. The doors barely lift up far enough for a lissome, 90-pound Chinese acrobat, and they fall down without warning to split open your skull. The controls are horribly heavy, the clutch can pack up every 3000 miles, and the shift linkage is cast out of old shoelaces and cake batter. Did we mention the front spoiler? It scrapes over pregnant amoebas."
2. Shelby 427 Cobra
What they left out: "The 427 Cobra was mysteriously hinky from day one. (This had something to do with putting a ridiculously huge engine in the nose.) The rear tires' grip on the pavement is about as solid as Jessica Simpson's grip on string theory, and it likes to swap ends as you pull out of your driveway. (It's also no fun when your $400,000 motorsports legend gets its ass kicked at the Shelby Club track day by some Elmer with a fiberglass kit car.)"
3. Plymouth Hemi 'Cuda
What they left out: "For Christ's sake, we're talking about a Plymouth-crappy plastics and rusty iron screwed together by some stoner with a UAW card. To 'sophistication of some smaller European designs' add 'circa 1916', and 'excellent handling (for a muscle car)' is analogous to 'fairly tolerant (for a Nazi).' It might also be worth noting that while Hemi 'Cudas are the flavor of the month at Barrett-Jackson today, no car made popular by a Don Johnson television series has ever kept its value for more than a year."
4. Big-Block Corvette
What they left out: "Zora hated these understeering porkers. They overheated faster than the wall of the girl's showers at Smallville High; what little balance the Corvette ever had was destroyed; and the added stress and vibration made pieces fall off the car even faster than they used to. It was just one more reason for Duntov to hate John DeLorean, who'd recently convinced GM to abandon its 50-year policy of making engine size bear some slight relationship to vehicle size, (DeLorean is now an angel in heaven, where every few minutes one of his wings suddenly droops down and slams itself shut.)"
5. BMW 507
What they left out: "Built on the chopped-up chassis of an overpriced, underpowered, overly complex sedan, the overpriced, underpowered, overly complex 507 cost more than a 300SL without any of the race wins or technology. Spare parts are still available, but mostly only on Pluto."
6. Lotus Esprit
What they left out: "The Esprit's most unlikely feat in The Spy Who Loved Me was starting every time Roger Moore turned the key. It's also amazing that Q found space for that extra junk, since Lotus couldn't figure out where to stuff in a working A/C. The Esprit's bodywork is made from a laminate of silicone glue and Shrinky Dinks, the anemic four-banger gives the acceleration of a K-Car, and the fuel system blurs the line between internal combustion and spontaneous combustion. Underpriced for an exotic; overpriced for a kit car."
7. Jaguar E-Type
What they left out: "Without a federal NSF grant, it's hard to imagine developing a chassis better designed for trapping water and promoting electrolysis. The early transmissions are unshiftable, the driving position was designed either for midgets or by sadists, and the clamshell hood only opens far enough to peel the flesh off the back of your head, not enough to actually get in there for twice-daily repairs. Rather than being drawn to the E's phallic styling, most women just say, 'Look at that Giant wiener.' Then they notice what you're driving."
8. Ferrari 250 GT
What they left out: "Ferrari's 3.0-liter V12 uses four times as many parts, a longer block, more mass, and 50 times as many dollars to make less power than a used Chevy small-block. Forty-year-old Ferraris stop and steer much like 30-year-old GMC pickups, and the constantly overdue valve job will run more than a new Kia. Owning a 250 also increases your likelihood of having to talk to Peter Sachs."
9. Nissan Skyline GT-R
What they left out: "The GT-R wouldn't need twin-turbos, all-wheel drive, four-wheel steering, and big intercoolers if it wasn't a heavy-ass piece of pork to begin with. And the feds ain't got nothing to do with it: Nissan never sent us the GT-R because out of the 12 people in America who'd actually spend 911 Turbo money on an outdated-looking Japanese coupe, six are in jail at any given time."
10. Maserati Ghibli
What they left out: "Heavy steering, squishy pedals, mushy gearchange, live rear axle on leaf springs...Daytona equivalent my ass. By washing the olive oil off all those old sardine cans before melting them down, the trained gibbons Maserait actually hired to build this thing accidentally removed its one source of rust protection. (Admittedly, the Ghibli's flat, unsupportive seats are ideal for the midlife crisis of the huskier gentleman.)"
I like #9.
1. Lamborghini Countach
What they left out: "The Countach might have done 200+ in some fevered Italian's dreams, but when actually tested it usually blew up around 180 mph. The wing blocks the 2 two inches of rear visibility this car ever had, leaving 190 degrees of blind spot, and the side mirrors just show fenders and airscoops. The doors barely lift up far enough for a lissome, 90-pound Chinese acrobat, and they fall down without warning to split open your skull. The controls are horribly heavy, the clutch can pack up every 3000 miles, and the shift linkage is cast out of old shoelaces and cake batter. Did we mention the front spoiler? It scrapes over pregnant amoebas."
2. Shelby 427 Cobra
What they left out: "The 427 Cobra was mysteriously hinky from day one. (This had something to do with putting a ridiculously huge engine in the nose.) The rear tires' grip on the pavement is about as solid as Jessica Simpson's grip on string theory, and it likes to swap ends as you pull out of your driveway. (It's also no fun when your $400,000 motorsports legend gets its ass kicked at the Shelby Club track day by some Elmer with a fiberglass kit car.)"
3. Plymouth Hemi 'Cuda
What they left out: "For Christ's sake, we're talking about a Plymouth-crappy plastics and rusty iron screwed together by some stoner with a UAW card. To 'sophistication of some smaller European designs' add 'circa 1916', and 'excellent handling (for a muscle car)' is analogous to 'fairly tolerant (for a Nazi).' It might also be worth noting that while Hemi 'Cudas are the flavor of the month at Barrett-Jackson today, no car made popular by a Don Johnson television series has ever kept its value for more than a year."
4. Big-Block Corvette
What they left out: "Zora hated these understeering porkers. They overheated faster than the wall of the girl's showers at Smallville High; what little balance the Corvette ever had was destroyed; and the added stress and vibration made pieces fall off the car even faster than they used to. It was just one more reason for Duntov to hate John DeLorean, who'd recently convinced GM to abandon its 50-year policy of making engine size bear some slight relationship to vehicle size, (DeLorean is now an angel in heaven, where every few minutes one of his wings suddenly droops down and slams itself shut.)"
5. BMW 507
What they left out: "Built on the chopped-up chassis of an overpriced, underpowered, overly complex sedan, the overpriced, underpowered, overly complex 507 cost more than a 300SL without any of the race wins or technology. Spare parts are still available, but mostly only on Pluto."
6. Lotus Esprit
What they left out: "The Esprit's most unlikely feat in The Spy Who Loved Me was starting every time Roger Moore turned the key. It's also amazing that Q found space for that extra junk, since Lotus couldn't figure out where to stuff in a working A/C. The Esprit's bodywork is made from a laminate of silicone glue and Shrinky Dinks, the anemic four-banger gives the acceleration of a K-Car, and the fuel system blurs the line between internal combustion and spontaneous combustion. Underpriced for an exotic; overpriced for a kit car."
7. Jaguar E-Type
What they left out: "Without a federal NSF grant, it's hard to imagine developing a chassis better designed for trapping water and promoting electrolysis. The early transmissions are unshiftable, the driving position was designed either for midgets or by sadists, and the clamshell hood only opens far enough to peel the flesh off the back of your head, not enough to actually get in there for twice-daily repairs. Rather than being drawn to the E's phallic styling, most women just say, 'Look at that Giant wiener.' Then they notice what you're driving."
8. Ferrari 250 GT
What they left out: "Ferrari's 3.0-liter V12 uses four times as many parts, a longer block, more mass, and 50 times as many dollars to make less power than a used Chevy small-block. Forty-year-old Ferraris stop and steer much like 30-year-old GMC pickups, and the constantly overdue valve job will run more than a new Kia. Owning a 250 also increases your likelihood of having to talk to Peter Sachs."
9. Nissan Skyline GT-R
What they left out: "The GT-R wouldn't need twin-turbos, all-wheel drive, four-wheel steering, and big intercoolers if it wasn't a heavy-ass piece of pork to begin with. And the feds ain't got nothing to do with it: Nissan never sent us the GT-R because out of the 12 people in America who'd actually spend 911 Turbo money on an outdated-looking Japanese coupe, six are in jail at any given time."
10. Maserati Ghibli
What they left out: "Heavy steering, squishy pedals, mushy gearchange, live rear axle on leaf springs...Daytona equivalent my ass. By washing the olive oil off all those old sardine cans before melting them down, the trained gibbons Maserait actually hired to build this thing accidentally removed its one source of rust protection. (Admittedly, the Ghibli's flat, unsupportive seats are ideal for the midlife crisis of the huskier gentleman.)"
I like #9.