My 30 day challenge- quitting the erbs and mental health

[B.Spilner]

First I suck at writing stuff like this. So I'll just write down whatever comes out of me and go from there.

So I'm quitting the devils lettuce. Been smoking for around 18 years daily. Swicthed to the vape a couple years back and was alot better on the lungs.

Weed helps bring me down after the work day has ended 5-6pm. It also helps me concentrate on projects or when doing things around the house. I think I work better when im on it. I Never ever smoke at work.

I drink water like crazy when im smoking and through out the evening, i also munch out 2-3 snacks per night. This in turn keeps me up all night going to the bathroom. Usually 3-6 times per night. The wife always knows if I had a good sleep if the toilet seat is down in the morning haha.

Im a business owner of 3 years and doing well so it doesn't affect the daily. Im healthy, barely drink alcohol anymore except when camping which is every second weekend during summer. And then a couple times during winter. We take vitamins almost daily.

The reason for me quitting other then my huge sleeping issues is that the last couple years I've really been able to tell my anxiety is getting worse. I've used weed as a crutch to help turn my mood around when I get home. Little things bug me alot. Being a business owner the stress some days is pretty high.

Lately my moods have been like a light switch. I can be the happiest person, and then something small will happen and its like all the life comes out of me and I shut down, no talking and you can clearly tell something is wrong. It sucks. And I don't want any part of that. My brain never stops, I wish I could turn it off like other people.

I was told from a therapist that I have social anxiety? I get really anxious in big crowds, malls, I would just rather not be there. Which in turn has turned me into a home body, well for 20 years. I had a fucked up childhood, both parents divorced 2-3 times, lots of fighting. I got into the hard drugs and alcohol. Dealing drugs, fighting, generally just hanging out with the wrong people. I turned that all around at the age of 23 when I bought my first house. I grew up poor, which had always motivated me to work harder.

I'm creating this thread because I know there are lots of others like me. And maybe this can help someone out. I'm quitting cold turkey. All my products are packed away and I'm ready to do this to see the changes. Hopefully this helps with my sleep, anxiety, and mood changes.

- - - Updated - - -

Day 1. Very ancy, feel like I keep needing to go out and smoke. Felt freezing cold all evening. Slight headache. Had a positive day
Sleep- took an ativan 830pm. Had a hard time staying a sleep, gushing sweat like crazy -maybe 2-3 hrs of sleep

Day 2. Still ancy, feel like I keep needing to go out and smoke. Still felt cold and slight headache towards the end of the night. Positive day.
Sleep- ativan 830pm. Had a hard time staying awake and feel asleep quick. Stayed sleeping all night. Slept 7hrs

Day 3. Ancy feeling was alot less in the evening. Positve day even know we had some speed bumps. Ativan at 830 this will be my last one for sleep. Stayed sleeping most of the night around 7hrs which is not usual for me. Not drinking 7 glasses of water in the evening and eating 2-3 snacks is definitely helping my sleep. I've also been tracking my weight, which i will start to update if i see a difference.

Day 4 - Had a positive day, slept from 10-7 didn't wake up once.

Day 5 - Another positive day, didn't do much, didn't get many steps in. But could not get to sleep until 2am. Slept 2-7am (solid sleep). Maybe time to set a daily weekend step goal to wear me down. Started to get frustrated so took an ativan around 1am to help.

Day 6. Had a great day, keeping busy with little projects def helps. Also had a camomile tea before bed, first time its ever knocked me out like that. Slept 1030-7 solid.

Day 7. Had a great Sunday. A bit edgy towards the end of the night. But zero sleep. Had a camomile tea at 830 and my eyes were closing. Toss and turned, checked the clock at 1am and took an ativan. Didn't work. Grrrrrr Mondays. I don't know if I've ever not slept through out the night, super weird.

Day 8. Pretty good day, but the sleep! Had a camomile at 8 along with a meditation thingy on Spotify at 930. Don't remember the hearing end of it. Here's the fun part, 230am wake up toss and turn for 20 min, throw my head phones in and do the mediation thing again. Right back to sleep! Will be trying that again tonight for sure.

[ExtraSlow]

I have no suggestions, but I commend you on trying to get a handle on your mental health. That's a tough one and it really can sneak up on you over time. While you are going through this physical change, maybe worth having a few counselling sessions to let out some of the mental stuff too. Your family doctor can refer to a counsellor that would be free for the first 4-6 sessions. I've done that and I think it helped.

[B.Spilner]

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I have no suggestions, but I commend you on trying to get a handle on your mental health. That's a tough one and it really can sneak up on you over time. While you are going through this physical change, maybe worth having a few counselling sessions to let out some of the mental stuff too. Your family doctor can refer to a counsellor that would be free for the first 4-6 sessions. I've done that and I think it helped.

Thanks for the words, I do have someone lined up. Also helps that my wife and I are very good at communicating with each other. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be where I'm am.

[ExtraSlow]

that's a huge help. Best wishes buddy.

[sabad66]

I don't have any advice for you to make this easier, but all I will say is don't let benzos replace weed. Even ativans can creep up on you and steer you into a new (and worse) addiction when they eventually stop working and you think you need something stronger. I think you already know this but it never hurts to get a friendly reminder.

Good luck man! I wish you the very best.

[B.Spilner]

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I don't have any advice for you to make this easier, but all I will say is don't let benzos replace weed. Even ativans can creep up on you and steer you into a new (and worse) addiction when they eventually stop working and you think you need something stronger. I think you already know this but it never hurts to get a friendly reminder.

Good luck man! I wish you the very best.

Absolutely! Sometimes i go a week without one, sometimes a couple a week. My Dr is pretty on top of it and only prescribes me a small amount at a time so I dont get out of control. I also use the smallest dose that can be prescribed. Definitely helps take the edge off on really bad days.

Hopefully after all of this I'll be clean and clear of all!

And thanks ��

[D'z Nutz]

I also have nothing to add but I wish you well on your challenge and am interested in reading about your challenge as an observer! +1 on ExtraSlow's comment about your mental health. I feel like it's a topic that should be talked about openly and I'm glad people are pushing for it more in the last few years.

While documenting your progress and struggles may help someone, it can also help you out just as much or more. I think on days when you've felt you've hit a wall or something, you can always look back and see how far you've come from when you've started to give yourself that little boost.

Good luck man!

[B.Spilner]

^^^ thanks!!


The reason I started this is because the wife mentioned some guy on the radio talking about how he quit after 15ish years and feels great, and he won't be going back.

And if this thread and my progress helps one person in the same situation, then I'm happy.

If anyone has any suggestions on anything the want me to post on the daily just let me know.

And again, thanks for all the support! Sometimes it feels like I'm the only person staring at the ceiling at 2am, but I know this is not the case.

[BavarianBeast]

5-7 days and everything is back to normal.

Pot is probably one of the easiest substances to kick. Good luck to you

[Buster]

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^^^ thanks!!


The reason I started this is because the wife mentioned some guy on the radio talking about how he quit after 15ish years and feels great, and he won't be going back.

And if this thread and my progress helps one person in the same situation, then I'm happy.

If anyone has any suggestions on anything the want me to post on the daily just let me know.

And again, thanks for all the support! Sometimes it feels like I'm the only person staring at the ceiling at 2am, but I know this is not the case.

Good job man. I have no moral or values based things against weed, I partake a few times a year at most. But there is no way that recovering your full cognitive abilities for an extra few hours a day is not a positive thing. If you have other issues that require treatment then self medicating with weed isn't the best course.

As mentioned by a few other here, ativan is actually a pretty serious/nasty drug and a benzo addiction is fucking awful. Be ultra careful with that shit. I had a doctor try to give me ativan once, and I was like fuck that shit. If you need help sleeping there are some hypnotics like zoplicone, which are a bit easier to handle. They are non-benzos technically, although do share a lot of traits with benzos.

Come back and update here regularly with your progress, though.

Well done.

[The_Rural_Juror]

Good luck dude!

[B.Spilner]

Thanks guys!

Also my Dr will not prescribe me sleeping pills. The ativan is about all im able to get and he monitors the crap on how much he gives me. I think 60 last me about 5-6 months.

[The_Rural_Juror]

Meditation dude.

[B.Spilner]

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Meditation dude.

Technically I do. I have a crazy amount of house plants and an entire hydroponic garden in the basement. Each take a couple hours per week and really help my brain relax and only concentrate on these things. Super relaxing for me.

[B.Spilner]

Soo i wasn't going to post these things but fucki it. I've noticed when I have something on my mind or something is bugging me, if I write/email it, once I press send it seems to lift a weight off my shoulders.

I had no idea I had these issues, I thought this was normal life and just dealt with it. The psychiatrist i got to talk to a couple times was the one that diagnosed me with the social anxiety and also mentioned I had this "fight or flight" issue. This would explain why when i was in a mall or crowd, I would think everyone was staring at me. Somedays I would feel like people were gonna start fighting me it got so bad. Pretty messed up.

I've also noticed that since I was diagnosed, and now I knew, this helped but also made things worse in some cases. Its like now my brain new, and would make my body react differently. Here's a couple of bigger ones I've noticed.

Couple years back at a wedding, as soon as we got there I felt anxious. Knew I wasn't gonna stay long so no drinking. About an hour in I felt FUCKED. It was an Asian buddy of mine and he had a dancing dragon show before supper. Holy shit I thought I was on acid or something. I had to get out of there, had a friend drive my truck back to his place (10 min from mine) then I drove home after that. 10 minutes felt like 2 hours, I should've not been driving. Got home and the wife immediately noticed I wasn't right. Still to this day I thought I got drugged.

Couple weeks back, my sister's wedding, under 50 people with staff due to covid. Half of them i knew. We went to the casino to kill time after the ceremony, took a couple puffs off the vape before we went in. While walking around and playing the games I could feel something was starting. All good felt it before, walk it off. Get to the supper part of the wedding, before we go in a couple more puffs off the vape since I had to drive and wasn't gonna drink. Maybe an hour after that I'm starting to feel hot, I can feel my head starting to get cloudy, starting to feel like a zombie. My sister comes up and asks if I'm alright or if I'm drunk? I haven't told anyone even the wife how I'm feeling. Next my wife says my face is turning red, I tell her must have rubbed hand sanitizer on it so she doesn't get alarmed. Go to the bathroom and yea, red blotchiness around my eyes like a racoon. At this point I felt fucked. Slam a couple beers quickly and helps get rid of it. This is the reason that I know carry ativan in my truck lol.

Now here's the one that has me making these changes. Enough is enough. 2 weeks ago on a sunday we pick up a new puppy, cute little fucker. Well life is hectic, pretty much a baby in the house that doesn't let anyone sit for more then a few minutes. Monday Tuesday I remember telling my wife that with him around its like I'm getting this feeling like I can't come down enough to relax. Weird feeling for sure, mine and her sleep in nil due to this little guy moving around all night. Wednesday same thing but now I don't even want to be in the house so I hang out in the garage for the night watching TV, I'm pretty much exhausted at this point. This is not like me at all, my little family of 3 are glued to the hips. Day 4, here's where it all goes wrong. Have a shit day at work, getting calls from site supers and my guys with complaints all day long. All good, a couple rums will help me calm down. Back out in the garage drinking and barely talking I get a phone call from a brand new site superintendent on his first day absolulty screaming at me. I scream back fuck that guy. Hang up the phone, head inside to the rum station to poor more brain fixing juice.

At this point I've clicked. I've officially left my body, never has it gone this far. Poured the half vodka half water drinks and was drinking the vodka right out the bottle. Also took a bunch of ativans. Wife seen it happening and took everything away from me. Don't remember much after that.

Move onto Friday, got up, showered and walked right out the door to work. Never said by to my son or wife. These 2 are my life and I couldn't imagine not saying by to them. She texted and I wouldn't answer. I really don't remember much, other then driving around checking on jobs. I don't remember Friday night and I haven't drank since Thursday so Its not the alcohol.

Slept Friday 8pm to 3pm Saturday. Never have I done this in my entire life, this was Thanksgiving and we had two events planned. At this point my wife canceled both. She said she kept checking on me to make sure I was alive. Absolutly insane but my body must have needed it. Relaxed for the entire day and Sunday started feeling a bit better.

Brings us to a couple days ago when I finally decided I need to cut this weed crutch out because I really don't know what else to do. I'm the most positive go lucky guy you will meet. I have a great life, unbelievable wife and a 7 year old boy that is my everything. There is no reason for me to be going through these episodes. I lost 3 days of my life that week that I cant even remember. The fact that he seen me like that, absolutely destroys me.

Big breath!! Haha. Getting this shit out of me, hopefully this helps remove some of the weight off my shoulders.

[ExtraSlow]

Sending ya hugs brother. Keep doing this hard work.

[B.Spilner]

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Sending ya hugs brother. Keep doing this hard work.

Thanks man, appreciate the support from all of you guys.

I'm also tracking my weight through fitbit daily, no evening munchies/candy is surely gonna benefit my 6 pack lol. I fluctuate from 160 to 163lbs. I'm in pretty good shape as I'm always ok my feet.

If there's anything else anyone wants me to track just let me know.

Also should note- dreams like crazy! Seen people im my dreams I haven't seen in years haha

[ganesh]

I have nothing to add to this except keep up the hard work.
I also think that you definitely need professional help. All the best to you.

[Tik-Tok]

I'm not a psychologist, but this really sounds like something you should be seeing one for. If my wife told me any of that, I would be insisting she see someone. Not just a couple of times either.

[vengie]

Just spit balling here...

Have you ever considered seeing a naturopath/ getting a cortisol level test?

The reason I ask is part of this sounds like you're dealing with some aspects of Adrenal Fatigue...

I'm personally under treatment for this, and have had some symptoms similar to what you're describing.

Either way, best of luck to you.