Calgary Driving Rules Joke
CALGARY DRIVING RULES
1. Turn signals will give away your next move.
A real Calgary driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you,
or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even
more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single
lane-change is considered going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light,
the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that
needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have
anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as
possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage
as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS,
it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given
only as suggestions and are apparently not
enforceable in the downtown area during rush hour.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing
as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Calgary
9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you
see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better
than yours, especially 4WD drivers.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Calgary is the
home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to the
City's Dept of Traffic which put potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their
toes.
12. It is traditional in Calgary to honk your
horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
13. Seeking eye contact with another driver
revokes your right of way.
14. Never take a green light at face value.
Always look right and left before proceeding.
15. Remember that the goal of every Calgary
driver is to get there first, by whatever means
necessary.
16. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and
apply eye makeup at kmh in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Real men drivers can shave while talking to
someone at 75 kmh in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.
18. Heavy fog and rain, nor snow are any
reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These
weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection
process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
19. There is a common held belief in Calgary
that high speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces
gasoline consumption as you get sucked along in
the slipstream of the car in front.
20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded
semi-trailers, trains and
buses because they have big & excellent brakes.
21. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while
driving down a one way street.
22. It's O.K to air your grievances at bad
drivers by giving the "one
finger salute" while screaming out
"you idiot", or something worse. But it is
imperative you are driving at least a 5 liter V8 with a crow
bar in your lap.............
Quote
sigh... yet so true... 
