Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Back in '84, if Chuck Norris had been the cop behind the counter at the police-station, the Terminator would have never come back.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
another fist.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At
night.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put
up with lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat. Rather he kicks ass until he's full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never "gets laid", rather: "laid gets Chuck".
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opportunity saying "there isn't enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member". He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Helen Keller's favourite color is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror
Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage...he just ate a fucking Indian.