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    Default Chuck Norris Jokes HAHHAH



    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
    Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

    Back in '84, if Chuck Norris had been the cop behind the counter at the police-station, the Terminator would have never come back.

    As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
    Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
    According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
    Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

    Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
    At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

    A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

    Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

    Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

    Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
    Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
    Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
    another fist.
    Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
    sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
    Norris allows to live.
    When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
    and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
    Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
    Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At
    night.
    Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put
    up with lactose's shit.
    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
    Chuck Norris doesn't eat. Rather he kicks ass until he's full.

    Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris never "gets laid", rather: "laid gets Chuck".

    Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opportunity saying "there isn't enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member". He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

    Helen Keller's favourite color is Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror

    Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to fuck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage...he just ate a fucking Indian.

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    lol, I heard some of these on a morning radioshow here in T.O. Lots of them were gold! They've been saying 5-10 each morning since Tuesday. Here's one that doesn't seem to be on there:

    "Chuck Norris once made his own toilet paper, but it didn't sell well --- it wouldn't take crap from anybody."

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    Chuck Norris once swallowed a LIVE baby turtle --- when he crapped it out IT WAS ALIVE, 6 FEET TALL, and KNEW KARATE.

    That's the origin of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

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    why don't you just post the link for the website????

    http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

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    Better not mess with Chuck Norris...
    My Favorite Animal is Steak

    Fatboy's 330ci

    Fatboy's Spoon EK

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    chuck norris isnt hung like a horse, horses are hung like chuck norris

    when chuck norris goes swiming, he doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck
    _____ASP______

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    I wonder if chuck norris knows there's this list about him on the internet.

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    He does. He was talking about it on the Tony Danza show. There was a clip posted here somehwere, but I am too lazy to hunt for it.

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    http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1652620/

    Chuck Norris on Tony Danza show going over some of the facts on the website, awesome

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    jack bauer > chuck norris
    Built not Bought.
    Originally posted by mitsumirage
    the civic will always be just a basic car , poor people will always buy them , its sad but its true

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    Originally posted by dj_honda
    jack bauer > chuck norris
    sig deleted by moderator, click here for info

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    Originally posted by dj_honda
    jack bauer > chuck norris
    Jesus Jessy, if you love him so much why dont you just suck his cock?
    Last edited by 2000_SI; 01-20-2006 at 12:07 PM.

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    1. After the Fall, Jack Bauer quipped "Better to reign in CTU than serve in division." His wit appreciated, Bauer received the honor of murdering Chapelle as a reward.

    2. God created the universe in 6 days. Thatís 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.

    3. To prove a point, Jack Bauer lit Schindlerís actual list on fire.

    4. The Drill Sergeant speech in "Full Metal Jacket," was actually based on Jack Bauer's first communion poetry reading.

    5. Hector Salazar was the only person to survive (temporarily) after having received one of Jack's false "I give you my word" assurances. However, his shock when Bauer arrested Ramon disfigured his face so that he looks like he's always smelling poop.

    6. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

    7. Jack Bauer doesn't stop at stop signs.

    8. When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.

    9. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

    10. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

    11. While being Ďput underí in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

    12. Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.

    13. What Jack Bauer whispered into Nina Myers' ear is so badass, your head would explode upon hearing or reading it. Nina merely went insane because it was whispered to her.

    14. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    15. The Sistine Chapel was the result of Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris having a food fight.

    16. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    17. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

    18. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

    19. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

    20. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

    21. Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"

    22. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

    23. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

    24. It is Jack Bauer who sees you when you're sleeping, and it is Jack Bauer who knows when you're awake. "Santa Claus" is just a stupid codename, and Jack Bauer killed the guy who assigned it to him.

    25. Donít tell Bill Paxton, but Jack Bauer actually has the Heart of the Ocean.

    26. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

    27. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    28. Jack Bauer can kill people with his mind, he just enjoys shooting them instead.

    29. When Jack Bauer realized he had the same initials as James Bond and Jason Bourne, he killed both of those punks using a water pistol.

    30. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
    Built not Bought.
    Originally posted by mitsumirage
    the civic will always be just a basic car , poor people will always buy them , its sad but its true

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    Originally posted by 2000_SI
    Jesus Jessy, if you love him so much why dont you just suck his cock?
    i'll leave the sucking of cocks to you d series fags.
    Built not Bought.
    Originally posted by mitsumirage
    the civic will always be just a basic car , poor people will always buy them , its sad but its true

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    im sure the thought has crossed his mind

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    This chuck norris shit is getting annoying. Every feckin forum im on theres postings of this same shit.

    HE PLAYS FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

    He doesnt go around fighting crimes ass at every corner. In fact, hes now old, probably wanks off like everyone else, takes his vitamins, and watches dr.phil.

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    just cuz hes an actor doesnt mean he cant roundhouse kick you

    bitch


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    first of all, these are not jokes, they are facts...

    second of all, if you go to chuck norris' website he makes mention of these facts.

    third, chuck norris roundhouse kicked the gel out of lee hotti's hair, and the bronze off his face.
    Last edited by retro-steve; 01-20-2006 at 01:12 PM.
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    Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His child - Vin Diesel.
    Originally posted by maZda3
    so ima stop talkin cuz its not me thats emberasing myself but you...so yea pce

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