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  1. #1
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    Talking Jokes thread!

    Haven't done one in a while!






    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
    He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

    He asks, "Do you know me?" and she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
    his wife, and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
    that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
    partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

    She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

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    Subject: John Kerry Gets Letter From Osama


    After numerous rounds of "We don't know if he is still
    alive", Osama himself decided to send Senator John Kerry a
    letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still
    alive.

    Kerry opened the letter which appeared to contain a single
    line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

    Kerry was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Ted Kennedy.
    Kennedy and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it
    to the FBI. No one could solve it at
    the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

    With no clue as to its meaning, the NSA finally asked
    Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

    Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this
    reply: "Tell Kerry and Kennedy they're holding the message
    upside down."

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    Haha first on and last one ar pretty good.

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    lol.
    Originally posted by edde
    its called sarcasim you fucking idiot

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    Originally posted by Sharpie
    Haha first on and last one ar pretty good.
    that teacher one didn't make sense to me.

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    Originally posted by Whitetiger


    that teacher one didn't make sense to me.
    I dont get it either


    I love the second and the last one.
    Cos...

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    *insert baby seal joke here*
    sig deleted by moderator, because they are useless

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    A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
    "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
    "No, silly!" the blonde said.
    "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
    "So, then?" asked the doctor.
    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
    "So, then?"
    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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    Originally posted by brendankharris
    I dont get it either


    I love the second and the last one.
    I had to read it twice to get the punch line.

    When she said "you're the father of one of my kids" --> kids=kids she teaches in school.

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    I don't get the 2nd one though (Sorry, was refering that one to the teacher joke)

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    why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors??













    because if it had four it would be a Sedan...*insert rimshot here*
    ...@therealarifjina...

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    Originally posted by EK 2.0
    why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors??













    because if it had four it would be a Sedan...*insert rimshot here*
    HAHAHA I laugh everytime I hear this one...

    But I got a good one

    Why does Sorath like 28 year olds? Because there is 20 of them...

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    Too soon?


    Actual capture of google news.

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    Jonathan was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds ...AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"

    The next morning Jonathan got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



    Jonathan has been missing since Friday

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    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to Death.
    They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I am sure of eet".

    "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to me".

    So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
    in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
    There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
    every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

    "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don forget".

    "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

    And with that Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe following closely behind,
    when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
    It is clear he is mortally wounded but the true friend that he is,
    he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


    "Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree".


    "Luis Luis, mi amigo... What ees it?


    "Pepe... Ees not a bacon tree.


    Ees....

    Ees....

    Ees....

    Ees....

    Ees....

    Eees a ham bush!

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    A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
    She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
    borrow $5,000.The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
    for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce
    parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the
    bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives
    the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
    Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
    which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had
    your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
    little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
    are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
    $5,000?"
    The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
    for 15 bucks?"
    War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength.

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    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

    "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
    War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength.

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    3 Armed and masked men, an American, Italian and Canadian together rob a bank. As they run down the street, the police are quickly chasing them from behind.

    The 3 decide to run into a nearby storage warehouse, filled with boxes and crates, trying to hide from the police...

    The American jumps inside a box marked "DOGS"

    The Italian jumps inside a box marked "CATS"

    And the Canadian jumps inside a box marked "POTATOES"

    The police break in the warehouse with guns drawn, and start searching. The cop kicks the box marked "DOGS"

    The American hiding inside, barks like a dog "WOOF, WOOF, WOOF..." and the cop continues on to the box marked "CATS"

    The Italian inside purrs like a cat, "MEOW, MEOW, MEOW..." and the cop continues on to the last box marked "POTATOES" where the Canadian is hiding..



    He quickly shouts "POOOTAAAAAATOOE"...
    War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength.

  20. #20
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    Originally posted by BebeAphrodite


    I had to read it twice to get the punch line.

    When she said "you're the father of one of my kids" --> kids=kids she teaches in school.
    OH ... now i get it


    that would be soo embarrassing
    Cos...

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