Donkey Kong
Arcade • 1981
The first breakout hit from master game designer Shigeru Miyamoto, Donkey Kong debuted mustachioed hero Mario.
Becky: It looks like a Mario that got run over by a car.
Andrew: Really. I mean the man is almost flat.
Gordon: He's a funny color.
.......: His face looks pink.
Becky: What color is he supposed to be? Green? And why can't we get past this first level?
Andrew: Someone take over before I lose my dignity. [Mario picks up the hammer power-up]
Andrew and Niko: Hey, that's from Super Smash Bros.
Andrew: So that's where they got the idea from.
Gordon: Nooo!
Andrew: You got the hammer and you still got killed.
Tim: Mario dies way too easy. Oh, grab the umbrella. Those are cool. Unfashionable, gay, but cool. Oh, 300 points. That's it? All you get is points? That's lame. Can't you do something with the umbrella?
Tim: They just put totally random stuff here for points. Oh, you've got an umbrella. You've got a purse.
John: Watch out, Tim—fire. It's smarter than you think.
Tim: It's strange that fire moves in this and has eyes. Oh no, the fire's coming. It's going to eat you. Are these barrels alive, too? Everything's alive. And Donkey Kong's mouth is made of pluses. Look: Plus, plus, plus, minus. They're trying to teach you math by brainwashing you.
Brian: How can you die from a fall of a whopping 3 inches?
Kirk: He's only an inch tall. He's a little short fat guy who eats way too much pizza.
EGM: Who's that chick Mario is rescuing up there?
Brian: It's Princess Peach.
Kirk: It's a hooker.
Niko: She looks cut in half.
Tim: Oh wow—she's one of those pole dancers.
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Handheld Football
Mattel • 1977
Everyone who grew up in the '70s owned one of these portable two-player pigskin sims, which used red LED lights to represent players.
Brian: What's this supposed to be?
EGM: Football. It's one of the first great portable games.
Brian: I thought it was Run Away From the Dots.
John: I don't see how this has anything remotely to do with football.
EGM: Which team are you playing?
Kirk: The red lines.
Tim: They could've just as easily called this game anything—Baseball, Bowling, Escape From the Monsters.
EGM: Did you score?
Kirk: I bumped into a dot.
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Tetris
Arcade • 1988
Spawned in Russia and the target of hundreds of imitators, Tetris is the original superaddictive puzzle game.
Tim: Which button do I press to make the blocks explode?
EGM: Sorry, they don't explode.
Becky: This is boring. Maybe if it had characters and stuff and different levels, it would be OK. If things blew up or something or—
.......: If there were bombs.
Becky: Yeah, or special bricks. Like, if a yellow brick touched a red brick it would blow up and you'd have to start over.
John: Why haven't I won yet? I've paired up so many of the same color.
EGM: Don't worry about colors.
John: I just lined up six of the same color. Why didn't they blow up?
EGM: Nothing blows up.
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