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Thread: Joke Thread, good ones, bad ones etc...

  1. #1
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    Default Joke Thread, good ones, bad ones etc...

    A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into the bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
    The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
    The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I've been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
    The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 45 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no."





































    The old man starts to cry again, "But you fuck one goat..."


    ***********************

    whats brown and sticky...

    a stick


    ***********************
    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

    Because he was dead.

    ***********************

    What has 9 arms and sucks?

    Def Leppard


    ***********************

    What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

    If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
    Last edited by sillysod; 09-07-2010 at 02:43 PM.
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    I think we had different childhoods, i was never forced to have anal sex as a kid

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    Originally posted by Jeremiah
    I think we had different childhoods, i was never forced to have anal sex as a kid
    This was probably an attempt at making a joke. You did not succeed.

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    What do you call a gay dinosaur?

    Megasoreass

    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

    Lickalotapuss

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    do you know the difference between martin luther king day and st patricks day?




    everybody wants to be irish on st patricks day!


    **********************


    Guy walks into a diner and sees a sign on the wall: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

    He looks at the attractive waitress and says "are you the one who gives the handjobs"?.
    She looks seductively back at him and says "why yes I am, can I help you"?.

    The man replies "go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich"
    Last edited by sillysod; 09-07-2010 at 04:17 PM.
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    We already have several joke threads.


    http://forums.beyond.ca/st/137839/random-joke-thread/
    Last edited by Jlude; 09-07-2010 at 05:08 PM.

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    Originally posted by Jlude
    We already have several joke threads.


    http://forums.beyond.ca/st/137839/random-joke-thread/
    thought so, searched 3x for joke thread and no joy...

    http://forums.beyond.ca/search.php?s...der=descending
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    Originally posted by Jeremiah
    I think we had different childhoods, i was never forced to have anal sex as a kid
    I'm sure you had a different childhood... i guess its a lot different when you just want anal sex as a kid.

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    Originally posted by sillysod

    thought so, searched 3x for joke thread and no joy...

    http://forums.beyond.ca/search.php?s...der=descending
    I think it's cause you searched "Jokes" instead of Joke and non of the titles say Jokes.

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    Ask Rick Astley to borrow a few Pixar movies, he said:























    "Here're Cars, Monster Inc and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"

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    Jlude, searched both....

    Took me a while to figure out rick astley one... then I lol'd
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    What's red and smells like blue paint?









    Red paint

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    Why couldn't the little kid go see pirates of the carribean?


    Because it was rated rrrrrrrrrr

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    Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
    The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

    **********************************************

    Tarzan is sleeping in his treetop abode dreaming of leopard skin clad beauties and finally awakes with a raging hard-on. He needs satisfaction but can't seem to find it anywhere. He is just about to lose his mind when he spots his chimp buddy Cheetah and asks him what he would do to relieve himself. Cheetah points to a sap covered tree and says," I always use a nice sticky knot hole."
    Tarzan thinks this is a good idea and starts goin' at it. About 15 minutes later Jane comes around the corner and sees this apeman humping a tree and says, "what are you doing that for. You need a woman. A woman can do much better that that tree."
    Tarzan is confused and says, "Woman? What is woman?"
    Jane lays down on the jungle floor and says, "this is woman." and spreads her legs.
    Tarzan sees this and starts kicking her in the crotch as hard as he can. Jane jumps up quickly and yells at him. "What the hell did you do that for?!?!?!?!"
    Tarzan replies matter-of-factly, "Checking for squirrels."

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    If a tree falls on a woman does anyone hear it?























    I don't know, but what was a tree doing in the kitchen!
    Last edited by jazzyb; 09-08-2010 at 09:52 AM.
    Originally posted by theken
    Off duty cop means not a cop. At that time he is a normal person.
    reply

    Originally posted by ZorroAMG

    Yes. Just like a ninja in street clothes isn't a ninja.

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    ^ lol

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    A guy is driving down the road and sees a sign that reads "Talking dog for sale, $10". Curious, he pulls in to the driveway and sees a golden retriever lying on the grass. As he walks to the dog, it says "Hey, what's shakin?" The man is astonished and says "holy shit, you really CAN talk!!!" The dog says "Of course..." and goes on to relive his accounds as a spy for the Russian army, and how he single-handedly prevented WW III by mediating aggresive talks between China and the U.S.
    The dogs owner then comes out to find the man chatting with the dog and asks if he had any questions. The man, clearly amazed says to the owner "I just can't believe it, a talking dog...I have to ask why you only want $10 for him, did he not tell YOU of his exploits?"
    The owner looks at the man and says, yes, a talking dog is amazing, but I'm selling this one for $10 because he's a fucking liar; he never did any of that shit!"

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    What do you call the sweat that forms on a mans testicle sack while he's fucking his sister?















    Relative Humidity.
    Originally posted by teamPRO


    howbout suck my black kettle...

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    SON OF A BITCH FISH!

    The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

    On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

    The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!

    "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

    "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

    "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

    Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

    "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

    "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

    "Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

    Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

    While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

    "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

    Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

    "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

    "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

    Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

    "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

    As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

    "What are you doing Sister?"

    "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

    "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

    "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

    "Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

    "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

    On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

    The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

    The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

    "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

    "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

    The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"

    The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

    .

    .

    .

    .

    A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You Fuckers are my kind of people!"





    ************************

    Two cops go to do a next-of-kin death notification.

    The old man comes to the door and one cop says, "I've got good news and bad news".

    The old man, "What's the bad news?'"

    "Your son has been dressing up as a prostitute and giving free blow jobs to the homeless men down by the water front", the cop replies.

    "Well what's the good news" the old man asks.

    The cop says, "He's been murdered"
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    whats green, has four legs and if it feel from a tree it would kill you.


    a pool table


    haha lol i got that from two and a half men

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