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Thread: Irritable when it comes to dealing with parents?

  1. #1
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    Default Irritable when it comes to dealing with parents?

    Hey, so this post might sound silly off the bat, but I really gotta start talking to someone about it.

    I am constantly finding myself easily irritated and annoyed when it comes to dealing with my parents. I am a first generation born Asian Canadian. The parents speak little to no English, and are fobby at best. They come to me with all type of stuff... things as simple as reading and explaining their mail to them... however, I can't help but get annoyed.

    I don・t ever want to get to that point, but it seems like when I have to constantly explain things to them, it bothers the hell out of me. The volume and tone of my voice changes, and I m sure my body language does as well, and it disgusts me every time I catch myself in that mental state. I would like to handle these situations better, but I really don・t know how.

    The Chinese would say that I m "lau hay." I don・t have any anger issues, and I m definitely not short tempered, I don・t resort to violence, or at any point get physical. I just get extremely frustrated.

    Any one else there with a similar background that experience the same thing??

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    LOL i don't have the same background but I get easily annoyed with my parents and siblings too. I mean I love them all a ton, but if I have to spend more than a few days with them I start to go crazy! Isn't everyone like that with their family???

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    I am in your exact situation, and how I deal with it is just learn how to react.

    How you react to them asking changes the whole situation from that point on.

    Yes my parents ask me all the time to help and what not, but I do my best not to get irritated. It is what it is, as soon as you reply by being angry, everyone's day begins to get bad.

    I noticed you mention that you "can't help but get annoyed" but really that is all entirely up to you and how you react.

    But I don't think the entire situation is about how you don't like helping them, from what I gather from your post. What is bothering you is that your parents don't make much of an effort into trying to figure things out for themselves, and thus immediately turn to you for help. Is this correct?

    What I have told my parents is, that I do not mind helping them at all because I understand that things like reading English can be very difficult for them, but if I personally don't even see them attempt to do things on their own, I straight up just tell them that I can't be there to do everything for you.

    If you tell them that in a calm manner, I can't see any way they can argue with you. They might say something like "You are my son, and helping your parents shouldn't even be a question." or "I'm you Mom/Dad, I raised you since you were bla bla bla." Sure, those arguments are very true and I do agree to some degree, but really, they wouldn't want me asking them to do such trivial things all the time without even putting in some effort myself.

    Can't say this will help you, but I hope some things here can help you figure something out.

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    Do you live with your parents?

    If so, then either move out or suck it up.

    Honestly, you're annoyed because you have to help them with their English?

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    Originally posted by project240
    Do you live with your parents?

    If so, then either move out or suck it up.

    Honestly, you're annoyed because you have to help them with their English?
    May I ask are you in this exact situation?

    I am only 23, but my parents often ask me things about OAS, CPP, and all that other jazz. I unfortunately don't know much about these, and I do my best to find the information online. But at one point it came to the point where everyday, they opened their mail, looked at it, and tossed it on my table and told me to explain what everything is when I am done with it.

    It is because they barely know a lick of English, and at their age, asking them to learn a new language is not very plausible.

    Sure you can move out, but their views of you will always be that you don't like helping with them, and some form of tension will always exist. I opted to just deal with the situation and settle at a point where we are both happy, and once this occurred, I feel much better about moving out.

    Once again, this is how I think I should handle things, I am not telling people how to live their life, nor am I preaching. Thus I think it is silly to just move out for the reason that you can't stand your parents. *flamesuit on

    Maybe I am just thinking of the IDEAL situation, which in reality is not always the easiest thing to do. Thus I don't expect people to agree with me.

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    this happens with my parents too, and I feel like an ass afterwards, so I started actively paying attention to my behaviour and react calmly and go from there. I am a strong believer that people should try things first themselves before looking for help, and I think what frustrates me most if when they don't try even the most simple things and come to you. I don't want to have any regrets in how I treated my parents when when that time comes, so I actively started to try to make things better, and as a result I think they feel better and I don't feel like an ass after the fact, because in the case of my parents they do everything they can to help me, and a few min of my time won't kill me.

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    Originally posted by eblend
    this happens with my parents too, and I feel like an ass afterwards, so I started actively paying attention to my behaviour and react calmly and go from there. I am a strong believer that people should try things first themselves before looking for help, and I think what frustrates me most if when they don't try even the most simple things and come to you. I don't want to have any regrets in how I treated my parents when when that time comes, so I actively started to try to make things better, and as a result I think they feel better and I don't feel like an ass after the fact, because in the case of my parents they do everything they can to help me, and a few min of my time won't kill me.

    same boat as you man lol

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    also moving out just makes things harder for you, as no doubt you will have to come over and explain things vs just being there already, unless you choose to completely ignore them when you leave.

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    Are you the oldest son?

    I can relate to you but honestly IMO, you are over reacting.

    I don't always agree with my parents because our upbringings are very different. Them, non educated, ran away at age 18 on some broken 10 hour boat journey to a refugee camp before getting sponsored to Canada. That is some serious street cred if you ask me.

    Sure my dad speaks enough English to run the front end of our store, you know the typical everyone makes fun of you accent. My mom, enough to keep a short conversation going.

    I've tried my best to please them, power struggles, etc. End of the day, I still help them whatever way I can and now that I'm old, and they are even older, we just kind of STFU and get along.

    My sister and brother are more are inline with your thinking, they always say to my parents, you've been here since 1985, how hard is it for you to learn English lol They do have a point though.

    Anyway, my advice, just chill out, do whatever needs to be done and leave it at that.
    Originally posted by rage2
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    Originally posted by eblend
    also moving out just makes things harder for you, as no doubt you will have to come over and explain things vs just being there already, unless you choose to completely ignore them when you leave.
    I know there is a huge difference in western vs asian culture, but after I moved out my parents quickly learned to appreciate their time with me. They stopped wasting my time with trivial requests because it meant they were wasting the time they had with me. They also couldn't pull the 'my house, my rules' card. But I don't know any 1st gen asian guys who moved out before marriage, so I figure you won't move out.

    On the other hand, if you are still living with your parents and are cooked for, cleaned up after etc, then reading a few pieces of mail isn't that hard to do in return.

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    Ill chime in,

    I agree with the above comments concerning running to you as appose to attempting things first themselves. There also needs to be some give and take from you as it woiuld seem this has been an added responsability as you have grown up. Perhaps you need to do some more looking within to why it affects you this way?

    and put my flame suit on too.

    This is the problem with current immigration policies. You should have to achieve a minimum level of English or French in a reasonable amount of time in order to stay here.

    What would your parents do if you were suddenly gone? Perhaps talking to them to take some ESL classes would be a starting point? They dont need to be fluent just the basics to get by.


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    The problem with last generation Chinese is their only priority it seems is to make money. Make as much money as possible, send it back to China or keep as a retirement fund, or gamble it away lol

    You look at other Asian immigrants, Indian, Vietnamese, Filipino, they seem to have no problem picking up English.

    Anyway, from their standpoint, they rely on their children (2nd gen) to help them with things. You don't want to be a "ba ga jai" and cause even more rifts in the family.
    Originally posted by rage2
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    All I have to say, its interesting to learn about other cultures through actual issues as seen in a natural social setting.

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    Originally posted by [Yu]


    May I ask are you in this exact situation?

    No, I'm not...

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    I've done this before, but I had even less of a reason. Whereas I had no problem helping total strangers or acquaintances with something. Looked at myself and said "this is wrong, why am I amiable with strangers and not the people closest to me?"

    I think part of it is the frequency, but also that you don't really have to worry that you'll lose them - they're your parents so they'll always be there, hence you don't really have to try to please them or anything.

    Anyway, to make everyone happy you'll likely have to suck it up, explain your frustrations ("I can help you but at least try first"), and give them help in becoming more self-sufficient. Part of growing up I guess.

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    Don't feel bad for getting frustrated. It's a legit feeling.

    Originally posted by teamPRO


    howbout suck my black kettle...

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    Your family has been annoying you your whole life. They've had a long time to get under your skin.
    My mother immigrated from England, so no trouble with the language, but somehow every time I see her, I get annoyed.

    it's natural and normal.

    Your best option is to treat them as nicely as possible, and move out ASAP. Even living nearby will do wonders for your attitude and thiers.
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    You realize you are talking to the guy who made his own furniture out of salad bowls right?

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    When I start to get annoyed/irritated with my parents I just think back on all the shit I put them through when I was a kid and how much they've helped me, seems to work

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    I was the same as you OP.
    Oldest first gen asian male. I moved out when I was 19 and never regretted the decision.
    I still get my mail delivered to my parent's house, just so I see them at least once a month.

    Sometimes a little distance will strengthen relationships.

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    Exact same situation as me, except not only parents but aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends...

    Good to know there's others out there that feel my pain lol. Like someone already said, it is what it is so either deal with it or move out and leave them to fend for themselves? Or theyll just save everything until you come home for dinner

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