What's with deadbeat husbands?

[LollerBrader]

I get to know a lot of families through my kids friends.

I'm currently witnessing two domestic train wrecks in progress. I can't even get my head around them.

The husbands are completely checked out, working only off and on. The mothers carry most of the financial and child care load, almost as if they were a single parent.

In both cases, it's become recently known that the husbands are racking up debt on the sly. They bring home little, and actually are a drain on finances.

As far as I can tell, there are neither mistresses, or substance abuse problems involved - Just sort of an all consuming laziness. In one case, the father is quite engaged with the children, and in the other, the father isn't.

The first father is actively hen-pecked by a pissed off wife.. but AFAICT, she was a pretty decent wife until he checked out. The husband is a pretty decent guy otherwise.

Both cases are heading to divorce in the near-term, I think. It just seems so tragic.

It's just weird. Anyone seen dudes just check out like this?

What gives?

[sputnik]

We live in a society where men are encouraged to act like teenaged boys for as long as possible.

Women need to recognize this and be a bit more choosy when selecting a spouse.

[Seth1968]

I don't know if this is related or not, but have you noticed in commercials that the man is often portrayed as a lazy idiot?

[403Gemini]

Yep... I know somebody who is about to marry a very immature guy. I feel bad for her and we've (me and friends/family) have tried bringing it up gently with her but she gets SUPER defensive.

The guy went unemployed for about 8 months, went on a rampant spending spree with no income.

Insists on living beyond their means. (Wanting to buy new cars all the time, living in overdraft, etc).

Ended up getting a new job, and now that his 3 months probation is up and he has a union (he was bragging about this...), it is now "ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GET FIRED!" so he takes probably 3-5 sick days a month.

Spends more time playing video games with his friends and going out with his friends than he does with his fiancee.

Even when they're home together, he just goes on his computer all night.

For the wedding, he hasn't planned ANYTHING. I know men joke about that, but I'm getting married and I've planned some stuff and am excited about making decisions about things.... not to mention i'm insane OCD so I'm doing the seating plan because I like organizing things lol

The guy is just immature in general, I've tried having conversations with him ... but he thinks the Transformer franchise is quality cinema so... yeah... oh yeah he's late 20's too (I think 27-28?).

[maxomilll]

^ I also think that has do to with adult males being the last safe demographic to make fun of..

[403Gemini]

Originally posted by Seth1968
I don't know if this is related or not, but have you noticed in commercials that the man is often portrayed as a lazy idiot?

Originally posted by maxomilll
^ I also think that has do to with adult males being the last safe demographic to make fun of..

True enough...

Look at most sitcoms - husband is an overweight,sometimes balding bafoon. His wife? Usually pretty hot.

edit: That being said, Phil from modern family is fucking amazing but he's still a good dad from a "parenting" standpoint.

[Boosted131]

The people around me are the opposite... Will be like an oil field worker husband with a stay at home do nothing wife driving around an escalade while he's at work 2 weeks at a time.

[Disoblige]

It's not just a deadbeat husband, it's just a deadbeat loser in general. Lots of those in society. Unmotivated, lazy, inconsiderate.

[sputnik]

Originally posted by Seth1968
I don't know if this is related or not, but have you noticed in commercials that the man is often portrayed as a lazy idiot?

Or commercials where all guys do is party, go to the gym, shop for clothes and drink beer with women 20+ years younger than them.

There was a time when boys became men.

Now boys become adolescents and stay that way until they come to the realization they the path they are on is pointless. For some this goes well into their 40s.

[FixedGear]

The problem is that many people are too young when they get married and start having kids. Many people are kids themselves when they start having children. In these cases, neither party is ready for a long-term marriage, let alone raising kids. This is why divorce rates are so high, and why so many children come from "broken homes."

I'm 33, and while I do plan on having children, it's not even really on the radar yet.

[sputnik]

Originally posted by 403Gemini
edit: That being said, Phil from modern family is fucking amazing

Jay (Ed O'Neill) as well.

- They work relatively normal hours at full time careers (not part time joe jobs)
- They come home after work (not hit the pub until 9pm or golf 5 days a week)
- They respect their wives
- They don't cheat on their wives or wish for a different wife
- They talk to and interact in meaningful ways with their kids (not just stare at their Blackberry reading work email at the dinner table)
- They take their wives and kids out
- They genuinely want the best for their family
- They take it upon themselves to ensure that their household is doing well in general

I wish more shows had better male role models. One of the fears I have been a dad of a son is that he will be inundated with media where men are losers who have no idea what being a man really is.

[sputnik]

Originally posted by FixedGear
The problem is that many people are too young when they get married and start having kids. Many people are kids themselves when they start having children. In these cases, neither party is ready for a long-term marriage, let alone raising kids. This is why divorce rates are so high, and why so many children come from "broken homes."

I'm 33, and while I do plan on having children, it's not even really on the radar yet.

I would say age makes no difference.

It comes down to what your priorities are. If your priorities are going out every night, golfing whenever you want and buying whatever you want. Then getting married and having kids is going to be a disaster regardless of how old you are.

I was 20 with a full time career that I am still in and bought a house at 22 and married at 26. My first son showed up when I was 30 and my daughter when I was 33. I have friends that I grew up with that are in their mid 30s that took 7 years to complete their B.A. and now working crappy service/laborer jobs. Some are living at home or sharing a house with 2-3 roommates. They ski all of the time, are drunk all weekend and have girlfriends that don't seem to care that they are go-nowhere-losers. Some of their girlfriends even help pay their bills/rent if they spent too much on booze or video games.

They keep getting older and they aren't getting any smarter. Nor are they better marriage material from when they were 18.

If you are 33 (and your wife is the same age) and you are planning on having kids... you might want to get on that. You may quickly learn that she probably isn't as fertile as she was when she was in her mid 20s.

[Tik-Tok]

Originally posted by sputnik


There was a time when boys became men.

Now boys become adolescents and stay that way until they come to the realization they the path they are on is pointless. For some this goes well into their 40s.

Just wait for the next few generations to be brought up. Those that are still so immature now, and the product of too much coddling, and parents taking care of them (IE letting them stay at home and party) well into their 20's.

It'll be insane another 20 years from now.

[FixedGear]

There must be a correlation between divorce rates and marriage age.

Edit: and yea, I don't know any guys who act like adolescents in their 40s, but then again I suppose your view of this depends on what kind of people you surround yourself with.

[sputnik]

Originally posted by FixedGear
There must be a correlation between divorce rates and marriage at.

If it was age (and not our shifting culture), the stats would be identical in 1950 as it is for 2013.

[FixedGear]

Originally posted by sputnik


If it was age (and not our shifting culture), the stats would be identical in 1950 as it is for 2013.

I think we agree that it's easier to get divorced these days, but my point is that people who get married at (say) 20 have a higher probability of getting divorced than people who get married at (say) 30.

[03ozwhip]

its usually a case where the guys never wanted to be there in the first place. they hate their lives with the women, but because its easy( usually monetary wise) to stay with them, they just go along with it.

then OOPS, im pregnant, stuck with her forever now, now they (have) to get married. so now the guy is even more miserable, which puts them in more of a depression because of where his life is and doesnt do shit about it because its easier not to.

i have a friend that is a good guy, works hard and from what he says, genuinely love his girlfriend. recently, he caught her cheating on him. he told all of his friends about it, because he was going to leave her.

now no one talks to them because he decided to stay with her, everyone knows what she did(with a mutual friend of all of ours) and is pissed off. i know this guy very well, hes one of my best friends and i know that he would never do something like this, but as far as im concerned, he is doing it because his mom just moved in with them(from new brunswick) and they have a lease and car together, plus finances together, im positive hes staying with her for the money aspect, but he denies it and so will all of these type of guys.

(sorry a bit off track there)

[DeleriousZ]

Originally posted by sputnik


If it was age (and not our shifting culture), the stats would be identical in 1950 as it is for 2013.

Cost of living factors into it as well. Gone are the days where a 'normal' family can afford to have a stay at home mom, a house, a proper diet, regular activities, and a dad with a regular 9-5 job.

It's pretty hard to live a happy life when finances are a constant stress on the relationship and/or people in the relationship. Granted the type of people being discussed here are in a different category.

[sputnik]

Originally posted by DeleriousZ


Cost of living factors into it as well. Gone are the days where a 'normal' family can afford to have a stay at home mom, a house, a proper diet, regular activities, and a dad with a regular 9-5 job.

It's pretty hard to live a happy life when finances are a constant stress on the relationship and/or people in the relationship. Granted the type of people being discussed here are in a different category.

Sure its possible. It just means you have to be reasonable with your budget and your materialistic expectations. In the 50s the average family didn't have as many bills and credit card debt that they do now.

Think about how much money you would have if you didn't have cable TV, cell phone and internet bills. Add on that one domestic car (MAYBE two) to pay for and insure and no quads, sleds, boats and other toys. Think about how much you spend on designer clothes, meals out or tropical holidays. Back in the 50s only movie stars and the very wealthy went to Mexico, Vegas or Cuba. Now we just drop a couple grand on the credit card and go.

"Things were cheaper then" is just a poor excuse people use when they are being led by consumerism and their need to keep up with the Jones'. It is just that most people are unwilling to simplify their lives because they identify themselves by how much they are able to consume.

[revelations]

Many theories abound.

Mine is that too many coddled kids become 20-somethings and expect everything to be easy.

Those who have had a tougher childhood tend to be more driven and are more satisfied with less....IMO.