Do you care for a senior or have put them in a home?

[nzwasp]

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Have you talked to her about it?

What does she want to do?

She wants to stay in edmonton and live by herself.

My wife only managed to bring her down to Calgary by selling it to her that "we need help at home, please do us a favor" but in reality we are giving our nanny a payrise to watch her.

[suntan]

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55+?

Fuck I am most definitely not ready for that yet.

People not only live longer these days, they're also cogent for much longer.

My wife's dad is in his early 70s and is perfectly spry and totally with it. His father was a total mess by 71 (I met him). His mother was in a home and suffered from slight dementia at this age too.

I met my wife's grandfather when he was about 65, and he looked and acted about 90.

My parents are both immortal, near as I can tell.

Nutrition does wonders.

[max_boost]

You know how those ppl with kids make the argument about when old, you have family to take care of you, this is your chance to roll with that.

[Xtrema]

#1 Get power of attorney sorted out before she fades. Have a good handle on her financial matters.

#2 Look into Medic Alert or similar devices if you insist on living alone for now.

#3 Look into assisted living in Edmonton and sign up ASAP for short term. So she can stay with her family circle for as long as possible if that's her wish and unwilling to move in with you in Calgary.

#4 As it's highly unlikely that either of you can afford to be jobless, start planning to have her move to Calgary facilities like Wing Kei or Clover as last option. There is no choice if her son doesn't want to deal with it. Then she really got no choice but move to Calgary. Had a similar friend who had to move to Edmonton to be closer to her daughter and sister because her son skip town and went to California and has no relatives in Calgary.

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55+?

Fuck I am most definitely not ready for that yet.

I think even 60s is too early but sometimes if you want a good assistant living complex and a spot opens up, you just have to go with the flow.

And not having to take care of a house and just go traveling before travel insurance disowns you is not a bad way to go.

[rx7boi]

Good point by Xtrema about the legal aspect. Haven't seen that mentioned yet and finances can get tricky if not dealt with in a timely manner.

[Xtrema]

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Hell no, we'll have VR by then. Maybe even bordering on full immersion Matrix style.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Junipero

[Xtrema]

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She wants to stay in edmonton and live by herself.

My wife only managed to bring her down to Calgary by selling it to her that "we need help at home, please do us a favor" but in reality we are giving our nanny a payrise to watch her.

So you managed to bring her in or still work in progress?

The problem is if you are keeping the nanny around, then it's really a lie. If you don't keep the nanny around, I don't think she in any shape to watch the kids.

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Now my wife' family culture is cantonese and many of you are probably also cantonese, do you one day think your inlaws/parents will be moving in with you when they are too old/or cant in my case live by themselves?

Here's the problem. If you don't speak English the choices are very limited in these kind of homes and quality are lacking. And unless your MIL like Caucasian food (sandwhiches/potatoes and such), a lot of these home won't have meals that suitable for her. Some of these facilities are really depressing. So in reality, you want to prolong that as long as possible.

I think bringing her in to live with you until you need professional help is best route to deal with this. It will buy time for you start shopping and understand each faculties and what's best for her once she is too far gone for you to handle. It's just a matter of time.

Tough part is her connection in Edmonton vs just 2 of you, working adults in Calgary. So she may deteriorate faster losing those connections.

Also, look at home care for now and see if that will meet your need for her to stay in Edmonton and before deciding the next step:
https://www.albertahealthservices.ca/cc/Page15488.aspx

You may also want to run down here and talk to these folks who are more familiar with programs that a tailor to Chinese. May be they would have some advice as they deal with seniors everyday.

http://www.cceca.ca/english/index.html

Good luck.

[nzwasp]

yeah we have her at our house now, after my father in law passed away last year without a will my wife was quick to make sure her mother had one in place and that she got power of attorney sorted out. So thats all in place now.

Our house (typical 2 story in the burbs) is not best suited for a senior with some frailness to her. Especially considering everyone sleeps on the 2nd level. Our stairs are particularly slipperly, all of us have slipped on them multiple times so hopefully she will not succumb to that fate. For now we are just watching and waiting and we set her up with a cantonese doctor so that we can get some good advice here.

Regarding food she doesnt like caucasian food which is tough for her because we eat that 90% of the time in our house.

[Xtrema]

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yeah we have her at our house now, after my father in law passed away last year without a will my wife was quick to make sure her mother had one in place and that she got power of attorney sorted out. So thats all in place now.

Our house (typical 2 story in the burbs) is not best suited for a senior with some frailness to her. Especially considering everyone sleeps on the 2nd level. Our stairs are particularly slipperly, all of us have slipped on them multiple times so hopefully she will not succumb to that fate. For now we are just watching and waiting and we set her up with a cantonese doctor so that we can get some good advice here.

Regarding food she doesnt like caucasian food which is tough for her because we eat that 90% of the time in our house.

Yeah 2 stories are not senior friendly. Bungalow, like the one Sugarfreak offloaded last year is probably better but that's probably another $300-$400k over your house if you want same sq footage. If you have a den on main, may want to turn that into a bedroom temporary.

If you can Benny Cheung is a good doctor. His office is on 16th but I doubt he is taking on new patients tho.

[nzwasp]

well 2 days in its seeming to not go to well. This afternoon she fell over on the carpet floor upstairs and couldnt figure out how to standup, when she did standup her legs wouldnt support her and she would fall over again. I told my wife to call 911 as something like the "subdural hematoma" must of happened again. My MIL has a disease where the blood is thin and wounds bleed constant - ie it doesnt naturally clot, I thought that the hematoma might happen again I just didnt suspect it so soon. Anyway my MIL was so stubborn that she did not want my wife to call 911 for her or for her to go to the hospital. When the ambulance did come my MIL refused to speak to my wife anymore.

[R-Audi]

Start calling the homes now... there is often a waiting list, especially for the subsidized ones and likely the specialized ones.

[revelations]

My mom is not too far from the same situation as she stubbornly refuses to see doctors or dentists and her condition is worsening. If my dad passed away before she did, we would probably end up moving her to Finland where she is from and most of her family is still there.

Is a one-way China trip an option here as well?

[nzwasp]

I am not sure what the situation is like in terms of this kind of thing in Hong Kong? She is very stubborn and so is my wife So my wife so she wants to have her in our home for 3 months to see if she gets better and if not then set her up with a full time carer. And if she deteriorates from there then a home.

[ExtraSlow]

If she's falling down on level ground and can't stand up again by herself, she needs someone to be around.

I have no insight into this, as I haven't faced these issues so far. However it's something most of us face at one point, so I'm following along and learning.

[botox]

If she's falling or tripping over things, this means full time care. Do you or the wife work at home? Leaving her for 8-10hrs while you guys are working is not good cause it only takes a second to fall and smack her head on something, this is worse cause you have a 2 story house. If she's going to be alone for any amount of time get her one of those alert things to tell you she's fallen over and throw some IP cam's around the house. Some senior homes have a very long waiting list, several years sometimes so I would sign up asap and not in 3 months. The wife's grandma's family refused to send her to a home when she could of gotten in to an Asian one and at the end when the Dr. basically forced them to send her she ended up at this generic one where nobody spoke Cantonese. I've seen a couple of families try to deal with declining seniors. Rearranged the house removing any tripping hazards, installed stair lifts, handicap ramps, special beds, etc.... and the end result when everyone is physically and emotionally drained is always a seniors home and by that time they are pretty much gone already.

[rx7boi]

Sorry to hear about what's going on. It seems like things are on the decline and it must be incredibly difficult for your MIL to grasp and accept that she's quickly losing what little independence she has left.

[ExtraSlow]

At some point, the adults who care for her must be able to make decisions for her, even if she disagrees. That's not easy for anyone, and even worse in some cultures.

[revelations]

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I am not sure what the situation is like in terms of this kind of thing in Hong Kong? She is very stubborn and so is my wife So my wife so she wants to have her in our home for 3 months to see if she gets better and if not then set her up with a full time carer. And if she deteriorates from there then a home.

Having a stubborn elderly parent is one thing, but if your wife refuses to follow logic and common sense (over emotion) in this case, then that is going to be a huge issue.

As said before, her condition will likely deteriorate rapidly and she will likely sustain a fall serious enough, to break a hip for eg - then it can end up that the home care takers (you guys) blaming each other for failing to do enough.

Weve already (as siblings) agreed to a plan if my dad passes away and what to do with our mom. Its not easy, but its necessary.

[nzwasp]

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If she's falling or tripping over things, this means full time care. Do you or the wife work at home? Leaving her for 8-10hrs while you guys are working is not good cause it only takes a second to fall and smack her head on something, this is worse cause you have a 2 story house. If she's going to be alone for any amount of time get her one of those alert things to tell you she's fallen over and throw some IP cam's around the house. Some senior homes have a very long waiting list, several years sometimes so I would sign up asap and not in 3 months. The wife's grandma's family refused to send her to a home when she could of gotten in to an Asian one and at the end when the Dr. basically forced them to send her she ended up at this generic one where nobody spoke Cantonese. I've seen a couple of families try to deal with declining seniors. Rearranged the house removing any tripping hazards, installed stair lifts, handicap ramps, special beds, etc.... and the end result when everyone is physically and emotionally drained is always a seniors home and by that time they are pretty much gone already.

Ya we both work and I also travel often. However we have a nanny for our kids that is always at home with them so we are hoping she can atleast tell us if she falls over. But as of this morning she had no idea where she was or what city she was even in. Shes in the Neuro unit in Foothills at the moment, they told us that in 20% of all patients the surgery she had doesnt fix the problems and they have to do different surgery and im hoping she will be admitted until she sees signs of improvement. We have talked about moving into a bungalow but with the current property market neither or us want to take that step. My wife and I tend to agree that we need to wait for a bit to see how bad things get before we can decide if she needs a home or not. Ideally not one in calgary as her friends and family aren't here.

[rx7boi]

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My wife and I tend to agree that we need to wait for a bit to see how bad things get before we can decide if she needs a home or not.

Consult a professional. I'd be hesitant to see how bad things get first because 1) you're not getting into a home ASAP and 2) putting someone in a home doesn't necessarily mean you can't take them out.

It's a tough spot for sure and it sounds like you're doing quite a bit in the short amount of time thus far.

With the TBI and the recent accidents, is this just old age or is there something more severe at play here? Sorry if you mentioned it in a previous post.