Problems with a 17 year old, where to send him in Calgary?

[AndyL]

Call child and family services get a referral to one of their local agencies that have support workers to specifically address these issues...

[KPHMPH]

Full story.

His dad slept with a random woman and they had a kid. He was in a home till 4 years old when the person he lived with died.
My husbands mother married his father and they took him in at 4 years old ( she works in welfare in BC, hence why she was contacted about his care giver dying )

They had him from 4 years old till 16 when he ran away because they told him to get a job and he didn’t want one. He lives with his friend for 6 months then his friend kicked him out ( or his mom, we are not sure )

He lived with us from that point one.

We’ve tried everything. Being nice to him, giving him room, taking everything away, punishing him... nothing works.

It was getting to a point where it was making things between us testy. The last straw was when we said no smoking pot in house ( it’s legal, go outside please ) and don’t go in our room.

Well we came home from a friends and he did both.... we kicked him out that night ( put him in a hotel for 3 nights ) till we found a rental room for him.

His dad paid for a rental room and gave him $75 a week for food. All he had to do was follow his landlords rules ( no smoking in house ) he broke that rule and now he is out.

I’m not sure what else to do with him. We’ve constantly asked him if he wants help and he says yes but then has a total disrespect for us and our things.

We were just at our ends wits.

( Notes: He’s not blood related, he’s my husbands moms husband ( step dad to us )

[Sentry]

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I just hope he finished high school, that would be very detrimental to his life in this day and age.

Yeah if you want to work in a boring ass office. I get that not graduating limits your choices, but there are still tons of great choices for people who do shitty in high school. It of course majorly hinges on them getting their shit together and finding some work ethic though. A lazy dumb shit is going to have a mediocre life, diploma or not, degree or not.

[dirtsniffer]

Sounds cold to me that his parents kicked him out for not getting a job, but I am not here to judge

[Stuart]

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Sounds cold to me that his parents kicked him out for not getting a job, but I am not here to judge

It said he ran away when told to get a job, so possibly his over reaction and not his parents

[Mostwanted]

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Sounds cold to me that his parents kicked him out for not getting a job, but I am not here to judge

From what i read he was the one who ran away whent hey told him to get a job when he was 16

[tirebob]

Man, you would have lost your minds with me as a teenager! Lol! Look, it is your house so your rules no doubt, but seriously... If that is as bad as the kid is, I think you all should slow down and think long and hard about this. If he isn't mean, malicious or a general asshole douchebag, this sounds super trivial. I just don't quite get the extremeness of the family response. There are a lot of ways to serve punishment and teach life lessons before resorting to kicking a kids ass to the curb. Seems to me like he is a long way from that being a necessity unless there is far more to this story.

[HiTempguy1]

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but there are still tons of great choices for people who do shitty in high school

You should list off jobs available to people without a GED. Because they are few and far between, and mostly complete shit. Pretty sure you need equivalency to get into apprenticeship programs.

Getting your highschool is one of the MAIN indicators of future success in life bar none. It works for the vast majority of people.

As for you Tire Bob, your kids are probably terrors, you just can't see it

[tirebob]

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You should list off jobs available to people without a GED. Because they are few and far between, and mostly complete shit. Pretty sure you need equivalency to get into apprenticeship programs.

Getting your highschool is one of the MAIN indicators of future success in life bar none. It works for the vast majority of people.

As for you Tire Bob, your kids are probably terrors, you just can't see it

Hahaha! Actually I am extremely lucky that my kids came out pretty awesome. Pisses my mom off as she was hoping for payback. We had a lot of creative punishments for them growing up and they learned. One is in college and one works three jobs to make ends meet and neither ask for money. Both volunteer their time in the community and are the ones who all their friends parents say that they wish their own kids could take a lesson from... Like I said... Lucky!

[Sentry]

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Pretty sure you need equivalency to get into apprenticeship programs.

Nope, just an entrance exam that an 8th grader should be able to pass. I've met some extremely useless people with pieces of paper I don't have. Also some absolute dumb fucks in the trades, but that goes to prove my point. Kid needs to get his head straight first things absolutely first, academics can come second. It's a personality flaw that needs to be corrected.

EDIT: Reference
https://tradesecrets.alberta.ca/SOUR...quirements.pdf

[max_boost]

This is a tough one.

What would @Buster do?

[ganesh]

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Full story.

His dad slept with a random woman and they had a kid. He was in a home till 4 years old when the person he lived with died.
My husbands mother married his father and they took him in at 4 years old ( she works in welfare in BC, hence why she was contacted about his care giver dying )

They had him from 4 years old till 16 when he ran away because they told him to get a job and he didn’t want one. He lives with his friend for 6 months then his friend kicked him out ( or his mom, we are not sure )

He lived with us from that point one.

We’ve tried everything. Being nice to him, giving him room, taking everything away, punishing him... nothing works.

It was getting to a point where it was making things between us testy. The last straw was when we said no smoking pot in house ( it’s legal, go outside please ) and don’t go in our room.

Well we came home from a friends and he did both.... we kicked him out that night ( put him in a hotel for 3 nights ) till we found a rental room for him.

His dad paid for a rental room and gave him $75 a week for food. All he had to do was follow his landlords rules ( no smoking in house ) he broke that rule and now he is out.

I’m not sure what else to do with him. We’ve constantly asked him if he wants help and he says yes but then has a total disrespect for us and our things.

We were just at our ends wits.

( Notes: He’s not blood related, he’s my husbands moms husband ( step dad to us )

Your story doesn't add up - Literally

- - - Updated - - -

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Man, you would have lost your minds with me as a teenager! Lol! Look, it is your house so your rules no doubt, but seriously... If that is as bad as the kid is, I think you all should slow down and think long and hard about this. If he isn't mean, malicious or a general asshole douchebag, this sounds super trivial. I just don't quite get the extremeness of the family response. There are a lot of ways to serve punishment and teach life lessons before resorting to kicking a kids ass to the curb. Seems to me like he is a long way from that being a necessity unless there is far more to this story.

This.
I agree . To me this is a knee jerk reaction and it sounds like OP wants a reason to kick the kid out.

[HiTempguy1]

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Nope, just an entrance exam that an 8th grader should be able to pass.

I was thinking back to the RAPP program, needed to still be in school was what I was thinking.

And I agree that a paper means nothing, don't get me wrong. But getting through highschool is thoroughly correlated with success in life. Rarely would anyone suggest NOT going to high school is a way to "sort things out".

It may have worked for you if it was your case. Understand that makes you special, and in no ways a good case study

[Sentry]

You can't force someone to do well in school, they have to want to.

[Amysicle]

.

[schurchill39]

I was trying to watch this from a distance but I truly believe the majority of the people responding to this thread have never dealt with a situation like this. People that think KPHMPH is overreacting aren't taking into consideration is the behavior that will come with compulsive rule breaking. If the kid is blatantly ignoring the two simple rules laid out in front of him, and when is told he needs to get a job he reacts by running away, there is no way that his day to day behavior is good by any stretch of the imagination. Instead, it may be better to view the smoking and going into his room as the straws that broke the camels back. Also understand that there is only so much that can be conveyed through one off posts.

Having come from a situation where your brother's behavior sounds a lot like the start of my brother's shitty downward spiral I can completely sympathize with you. I also envy the fact that you more than likely only see a fraction of the shit weaseling he's actually doing. One piece of advice that has always rang out to me was "you can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves". So by constantly providing a solution to this kids perceived problem, he will never be forced to deal with any underlying issue on his own. I'll take the unpopular opinion here and say that you are doing the right thing by kicking him out, but I think you're still helping him too much by finding him a place to stay and paying for any of it. Cut him off from any sort of financial support, and encourage your family to do the same. You can be there to talk, or help him find his own solutions, but do not provide them for him.

I strongly recommend getting some information on the Alex house. When my brother skipped town and decided to come to Calgary he eventually found his way there and they got him on track for a pile of help for the underlying issues. He's still fucked, but less fucked thanks to the Alex house.

[D'z Nutz]

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One piece of advice that has always rang out to me was "you can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves". So by constantly providing a solution to this kids perceived problem, he will never be forced to deal with any underlying issue on his own. I'll take the unpopular opinion here and say that you are doing the right thing by kicking him out, but I think you're still helping him too much by finding him a place to stay and paying for any of it. Cut him off from any sort of financial support, and encourage your family to do the same. You can be there to talk, or help him find his own solutions, but do not provide them for him.

I avoided giving my input here because I've never been in the situation myself, but this absolutely echos what I was thinking. Based on what KPHMPH/KPHMPH's wife has said, it really sounds like the brother has been spoonfed every step of the way in this situation, even when he's been kicked out. At no point did it seem like he needs any help, cause he's still getting babied so why would he ask for it?

My suggestion would have been to cut him off from everything, but let him know when he's ready to grow up he's gonna have to ask for it and he'll have to play by your rules.

[rage2]

I moved out when I was 17, didn’t graduate high school, moved in with a girl and lived off her. Was a total shit head to my parents. Didn’t talk to my dad for 10 years. Lived broke ass and was tired of it and one day just decided I didn’t want to do fuck all and go nowhere in life. Disappeared from all my friends and just focused on making a better life for myself. Moved back home and stopped being a dick. Turned out ok.

I’m all for a dose of reality check. One day I’ll finish my high school, hopefully before my kids do.

[min_boost]

Reminds me of a buddy I knew from West Philadelphia all he was doing was playing some bball and shooting them hoops. Them neighbourhood kids started beef with him.

[killramos]

^ that was severe amateur hour shit