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Thread: Problems with a 17 year old, where to send him in Calgary?

  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by KPHMPH View Post
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    Well since he’s been evicted from his rental house his phone hasn’t been on and GPS tracking in unavailable.

    His parents are a little worried but at this point there is really nothing we can do! His landlord is a little upset though, trying to figure out when his stuff is going to leave the room.
    it is probably a tactic of his to try and gain sympathy. He probably has a bunch of people blocked, try calling him from a random number and see if it rings.

    This is going to be a tough few days for people that care about him, but, they have to stay strong and not cave. I have seen this before, and I still have a friend of mine at 43 years old still living in his parents basement.
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    Have you checked if maybe there is any underlying issues that are causing him to act out? Is he maybe on the spectrum and he just hasn't hasn't been diagnosed.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by triplep View Post
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    Have you checked if maybe there is any underlying issues that are causing him to act out? Is he maybe on the spectrum and he just hasn't hasn't been diagnosed.
    Of course but at the end of the day everything is under “consent” now a days and we can’t force him to go to a doctor / therapist. We’ve been to 1 session but the therapist said we need to give him more room ( such a pussified answer )

    To be clear he’s had a normal average life his whole life. He’s never went without, always food on the table, sports when he wants and access to things most wouldn’t have.

    I think it was just a friend at 16 that said, “Hey, man you don’t have to listen to your parents anymore, come smoke pot woth me”. Then it went down hill!

    I guess because our world is so coddled I feel we need to intervien and fix it but at this point we need to let him figure it out. 1.5 weeks he will be 18 anyways.

    I just hope he finished high school, that would be very detrimental to his life in this day and age.
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    Quote Originally Posted by KPHMPH View Post
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    Of course but at the end of the day everything is under “consent” now a days and we can’t force him to go to a doctor / therapist. We’ve been to 1 session but the therapist said we need to give him more room ( such a pussified answer )

    To be clear he’s had a normal average life his whole life. He’s never went without, always food on the table, sports when he wants and access to things most wouldn’t have.

    I think it was just a friend at 16 that said, “Hey, man you don’t have to listen to your parents anymore, come smoke pot woth me”. Then it went down hill!

    I guess because our world is so coddled I feel we need to intervien and fix it but at this point we need to let him figure it out. 1.5 weeks he will be 18 anyways.

    I just hope he finished high school, that would be very detrimental to his life in this day and age.
    Fair enough, just a thought. I agree with you that kids these days are coddled beyond belief, in all aspects of life (sports, jobs etc.).

  5. #25
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    <I think it was just a friend at 16 that said, “Hey, man you don’t have to listen to your parents anymore, come smoke pot woth me”. Then it went down hill!>

    He would have rebelled with or without the friends help. Better sooner than later - however - doing a lot of drugs before the age of 20 can definitely alter brain chemistry.

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    Sounds like he's used to things coming easily to him. At some point everyone needs to learn how to struggle, fail and then much later succeed again. If he asks for help, I think advice is the best assistance you can give him. I would avoid doing anything "for" him.

    Of course, us internet keyboard warriors don't know the kid, so this advice is pretty generalized. You and the family know him and love him best, so always use your best judgement.
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    See if the Dream Center on Mac trail and 40th ave can take him in
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    Let me get this straight - you are advocating for your 17 year old brother to become homeless instead of trying to help him because he smoked in your house and walked in your room? You kicked him out while he was still in highschool? I understand you are upset but you are about to be a large factor in what is about to be a downward spiral of a young mans life...a young man who isnít even finished high school. Everyone at this age makes mistakes...what some people need is just a good role model and better family support, not their family turning their back on them and kicking them to the curb.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Type_S1 View Post
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    Let me get this straight - you are advocating for your 17 year old brother to become homeless instead of trying to help him because he smoked in your house and walked in your room? You kicked him out while he was still in highschool? I understand you are upset but you are about to be a large factor in what is about to be a downward spiral of a young mans life...a young man who isn’t even finished high school. Everyone at this age makes mistakes...what some people need is just a good role model and better family support, not their family turning their back on them and kicking them to the curb.
    There’s a reason why he’s in our house and not his parents.... because he keeps on making the stupid same mistakes over and over and over again.

    There is a longer story but when I first wrote this I didn’t have the time to get it all out.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Type_S1 View Post
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    Let me get this straight - you are advocating for your 17 year old brother to become homeless instead of trying to help him because he smoked in your house and walked in your room? You kicked him out while he was still in highschool? I understand you are upset but you are about to be a large factor in what is about to be a downward spiral of a young mans life...a young man who isn’t even finished high school. Everyone at this age makes mistakes...what some people need is just a good role model and better family support, not their family turning their back on them and kicking them to the curb.
    Word. There’s likely other factors at play for him making stupid mistakes and decisions and perhaps tackling those underlying issues would help you gain some understanding in why he behaves the way he does. Just because you grow up privileged enough to have food on the table, a roof on your head and access to extracurricular activities doesn’t mean you can’t have problems of your own that may not be visible to friends or family. The last thing you want is to look back 5 years from now and wonder why your brother ended up addicted to some serious drugs or worse. I know none of us are seeing the big picture but I would encourage you to be as much of a role model and support for you brother as you can. Kids make mistakes, sit down with your bro and have the tough talks you need to if you haven’t already.

    I’ve seen a lot of kids that age get kicked to the curb by their family because they acted out and it usually doesn’t end well.

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    People don't just "become" addicted to drugs. "Oopsie! Silly me, I was forced into taking some drugs and now I am addicted"

    As anyone who has dealt with people like OP describes, they need a lesson in hard knocks. And sometimes people never learn. It is no one's fault but the kid's own if he is destitute, hungry, and becomes a drug addict.

    No point in sinking yourself to try and help someone who doesn't want help. Sounds like OP gave it a good try already.

    I have people like this in my extended family. It never changes. Some people are shitty by nature.

    Edit-
    The "kid" is 17, almost 18. If he doesn't know right from wrong and shitty vs non-shitty behavior, there isn't much hope for him to begin with. Usually you don't see kids who get kicked out doing well because they are shitheads, not because they were kicked out.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HiTempguy1 View Post
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    Some people are shitty by nature.

    Edit-
    The "kid" is 17, almost 18. If he doesn't know right from wrong and shitty vs non-shitty behavior, there isn't much hope for him to begin with.
    The "nature" vs "nurture" argument is an interesting one. Are some people born shitheads? Probably not, but people are born with problems that make them more likely to become shitheads. If this kid hasn't been learning about the consequences of his actions for his entire life, at age 17, it may be too late.

    Most "bad" children show shithead tendencies very early, there isn't a lightswitch moment where it all goes wrong usually.
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    I get we don’t have the full story, but it just seems like giving up on a 17 year old that isn’t even out of high school is an extreme measure. Is he doing hard drugs or just smoking pot? Has he stolen from you to find his habits, is that why the room thing is a problem? Have you tried to connect with the kid to show him where the path he is taking leads him? At 17 I think most people are hard headed and prideful so if your family turns on you, the “fuck you, I don’t need your help then” reaction kicks in when the individual really does need your help but is just too prideful/tough guy/dumb to reach out and ask.

    There are some posters who act tough but don’t really understand what it is like to be left to fend for yourself at a young age. To the much older posters that think they know as well, it’s not the 1980s where you could get a blue collar job and buy a house within a year - shits changed. One positive is that minimum wage is so high in Alberta now that a person should be able to live with a roommate in the hood and be able to survive renting.

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    Last edited by Sugarphreak; 08-18-2019 at 03:09 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sugarphreak View Post
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    17 is more than old enough to lay a little reality on.
    kids should be getting small doses of reality in terms of natural consequences thier entire life.
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    I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent. Thankfully I have some time.

    My only relevant experience came as a kid, my mom and all her siblings would ship their kids all over the country to live with relatives if they fucked up.
    Quote Originally Posted by Gestalt View Post
    Im the one with a learning disability....

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    I was a real shit head kid from about 12. I was shipped off to roper hull home and the other one, cant remember what it's called. Sent to my aunts for a period of time etc etc...

    I just kept on being an idiot and I honestly didnt learn until I was out on my own. Although I had a $7 an hour job at 19, I still was on my own...struggling....its what I needed.

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    I don’t think the kid is actually the OPs brother. Not blood anyway.

    Maybe brother in law? Maybe not.
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExtraSlow View Post
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    Are some people born shitheads? Probably not, .
    This isn't actually true. Plenty of study has been done on genetics and how your biological parents have a strong effect on your personality, regardless if you grow up with them or not. Not that it is a 100% determining factor, but the reason why we act a lot like our parents is as much due to genetics as to learned behaviour.

    The assumption that shitty people can be reformed, or just that it was their parents' fault, I don't think the evidence supports that.

    You are certainly right that sometimes its a matter of the way the brain is. But if your brain is wired a certain way, no amount of "education" as to why is going to fix that.

    For the record, I moved out at 18. Kicked out? No, but it was clear staying wasn't really an option, and the reasoning behind it is insanely ridiculous.

    So trust me, I'm not just saying "let him go" without experience in the matter.

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