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Thread: Should couples have joint or separate bank accounts?

  1. #141
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    I know the strengths and weaknesses of my team at work, and we're better because of it. I play to their strengths and set them (and the team) up for success.

    Does that make me a jerk if I do it at home too?
    Quote Originally Posted by Gestalt View Post
    Im the one with a learning disability....

  2. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by rx7boi View Post
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    I wasn't talking about hiding spending but you've insisted on making it a focal point. You'd openly acknowledge that no one likes to see money wasted (AKA not wasted, just not spent the way you want to it to be spent) therefore it's better not to see the charge because it would annoy you. It's even better when you admit that it shouldn't bug you yet it does, so there's even more incentive not to see the charges.

    You might be arguing with Buster and others here about "trust issues", but it's not something I've chosen to address because I think there's alot of different reasons. What I've done is spoken to another area where having separate accounts is favourable, particularly for people that 1. don't want to justify or talk about their individual spending and 2. that subscribe to a you have yours/I have mine philosophy. It's up to people whether they think that's a boon or not.

    Finally, of course it's an assumption that separate discretionary accounts provide opportunity not to talk about your respective purchases especially if you think it's better not to see the charge. That's the convenience of having your own account but it's not about hiding purchases. There's a reason that having a joint account forces a couple with vested interests to communicate more.
    If you want to go back on what you said, that's fine, I'll just accept it at face value. Glad we agree now.


    Quote Originally Posted by rx7boi View Post
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    Basically, the TL;DR is that you imply ignorance when you say it's better not to see the charges while simultaneously convincing us that somehow you're talking to each other about big purchases from your individual discretionary account.

    \_(ツ)_/
    I didn't say that anything was better or worse. I gave examples of why some people that have separate accounts might not actually be doing it for the sole purpose of hiding purchases from their spouse.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dirtsniffer View Post
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    I know the strengths and weaknesses of my team at work, and we're better because of it. I play to their strengths and set them (and the team) up for success.

    Does that make me a jerk if I do it at home too?
    Depends. If Buster is the coach, then it's team socialism. Each player should be able to rotate between goalie, winger, and defense from game to game. Having people play the position their strongest means the team will fail.

  4. #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by A790 View Post
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    Look, I feel like this conversation has gone off the rails a bit. I'm not speaking to trust issues and it's unfair to assume that people with separate finances have trust issues.

    What I am doing is advocating for a more team-centric approach to finances since there are considerable benefits to doing so. It is also how your assets are viewed by the government, so in my mind it make sense to view your assets holistically and with equal ownership. The joint account/integrated finances approach is the best suited for this, but it is also not the only way to achieve it.
    Why can't you have a team centric focus on finances with separate accounts?

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    Last edited by Sugarphreak; 08-18-2019 at 05:32 PM.

  6. #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by firebane View Post
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    Why can't you have a team centric focus on finances with separate accounts?
    You probably can, but you've restricted visibility from each party into certain portions of your mutual assets. It's easier to withhold access to those assets. Hence why I prefer joint accounts.

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    Quote Originally Posted by A790 View Post
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    You probably can, but you've restricted visibility from each party into certain portions of your mutual assets. It's easier to withhold access to those assets. Hence why I prefer joint accounts.
    Why does separate accounts automatically mean visibility is restricted? Most people I know using the 3 account system are completely transparent and share credit cards anyway where 99% of purchases are made. The biggest difference is that on the off chance one of you becomes mentally ill (or something else that nobody saw coming and nobody expects) and starts draining accounts, you both are equally protected.

  8. #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by A790 View Post
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    You probably can, but you've restricted visibility from each party into certain portions of your mutual assets. It's easier to withhold access to those assets. Hence why I prefer joint accounts.
    That is called communication with one another. I have talks with my partner all the time about finances and where we sit and what we have... need to buy groceries? who has more than the other. Need to pay for dog walks? Can we evenly pay or can one split to help the other?

    It honestly just sounds like either people have been in bad relationships, are in a stupid relationship, or have lack of communication in their relationship.

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    Quote Originally Posted by firebane View Post
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    That is called communication with one another. I have talks with my partner all the time about finances and where we sit and what we have... need to buy groceries? who has more than the other. Need to pay for dog walks? Can we evenly pay or can one split to help the other?
    The questions you asked at the end of your post demonstrate my point exactly, but whatever. lol

  10. #150
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    Quote Originally Posted by A790 View Post
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    The questions you asked at the end of your post demonstrate my point exactly, but whatever. lol
    Not really. Sure having a joint account you can just look and see "yeah we have enough" but its a 3 second conversation of talking about finances and you know just as quick.

    Another agree to disagree type conversation.

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    Last edited by Sugarphreak; 08-18-2019 at 05:32 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misterman View Post
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    If you want to go back on what you said, that's fine, I'll just accept it at face value. Glad we agree now.
    There's nothing to go back on. I wrote out my assumptions as to why having separate accounts can be related to not wanting to discuss purchases for aforementioned reasons. You thought it was a far leap and you're asking me "how do you know people don't talk about it?" when it's obvious that some people indeed don't talk about it. You act as if mutually agreeing on this fact is me going back on what I've said.

    The only point I didn't, and continue not to, make is that it's related to mistrust or hiding purchases. I said nothing of the sort and it's something I've reiterated over and over again. That's on you but the only reason you're putting it on my shoulders is your replies to me wouldn't be tenable otherwise. No wonder you're so focused on insisting that's what I'm saying. You also probably feel like that's what I'm saying because that's what everyone in this thread is saying to you.

    FWIW, don't be shy about advocating for willful ignorance if you don't want to see what your partner spends money on. Your cards are already on the table with the way you do things at home. The only difference is that you feel like you're being attacked for doing things differently but I never posted to address you specifically. You took that burden on yourself.

    I never took a jab at you when you said your wife couldn't manage your joint income or when you said fiscal irresponsibility was worse than adultery.

    Fact is, some people employ separate accounts as a means not to have these discussions. They talk about some things, but not everything. This doesn't apply to everyone, but it happens. Acting like everyone can be above that by saying "well that's just an assumption." Well no shit.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mitsu3000gt View Post
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    Why does separate accounts automatically mean visibility is restricted? Most people I know using the 3 account system are completely transparent and share credit cards anyway where 99% of purchases are made. The biggest difference is that on the off chance one of you becomes mentally ill (or something else that nobody saw coming and nobody expects) and starts draining accounts, you both are equally protected.
    So you trust your wife now, but you might not be able to trust her in the future, so you behave as if you don't trust her now.

    It's logically consistent, anyway.

    But treating someone like you don't trust them and actually not trusting them seems to be a distinction without a difference.

  14. #154
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirtsniffer View Post
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    I know the strengths and weaknesses of my team at work, and we're better because of it. I play to their strengths and set them (and the team) up for success.

    Does that make me a jerk if I do it at home too?
    Well no, but it presents an interesting point. At work, you have limited choices when it comes to resourcing a project, so you have to slot people in the right roles in order to mitigate any potential fallout that could arise from their shortcomings (play to their strengths, as you optimists like to say. Tomato, tom-ah-to).

    But with a marriage... you can literally pick anyone you want, or chose to abstain. I chose someone who doesn't have weaknesses I have to mitigate in order to achieve success (financial or otherwise). Did I just win the lottery second time around, or are other people settling for mediocrity?



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    What happened the first time 'round? Or do we have 2 lottery winners in these threads?

    Anyways, I'm pretty mediocre myself, so I wouldn't call it settling...
    Quote Originally Posted by Gestalt View Post
    Im the one with a learning disability....

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    Quote Originally Posted by cjblair View Post
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    I chose someone who doesn't have weaknesses I have to mitigate in order to achieve success (financial or otherwise). Did I just win the lottery second time around, or are other people settling for mediocrity?
    This thread has made me want to go hug my wife and give her a big kiss. I guess this thread has shown me how lucky I am in so many ways - never mind trust, but my wife is also an ultra-successful business women herself. She doesn't now, nor will ever, need me for financial support regardless of what happens. Perhaps that is a luxury I take for granted. She can't cook for shit though.
    Last edited by Buster; 08-14-2019 at 02:06 PM.

  17. #157
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buster View Post
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    Perhaps all of it is a luxury I take for granted.
    lol you fuckin think?

  18. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buster View Post
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    So you trust your wife now, but you might not be able to trust her in the future, so you behave as if you don't trust her now.

    It's logically consistent, anyway.

    But treating someone like you don't trust them and actually not trusting them seems to be a distinction without a difference.
    You keep jumping to conclusions based on assumptions, instead of asking for more information. Nobody has said that. We get that you and your SO enjoy the joint-everything system, but I think it's important to understand that other systems work too (and are more popular in this thread), that are based on the exact same amount of transparency and trust. You keep bringing trust issues into it but it has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It also doesn't sound like you understand that all these decisions are arrived at mutually based on what is best for both individuals, which is part of being a team.

    Protecting yourselves (mutually, and equally) in the event of an unexpected illness (or similar) which nobody can predict or expect is prudent and has literally no downside. I am not saying the 3 account system is the only way to accomplish this either, but it seems to work for a lot of people. Trust has absolutely nothing to do with what we're discussing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by A790 View Post
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    lol you fuckin think?
    Quote Originally Posted by Mitsu3000gt View Post
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    You keep jumping to conclusions based on assumptions, instead of asking for more information. Nobody has said that. We get that you and your SO enjoy the joint-everything system, but I think it's important to understand that other systems work too (and are more popular in this thread), that are based on the exact same amount of transparency and trust. You keep bringing trust issues into it but it has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It also doesn't sound like you understand that all these decisions are arrived at mutually based on what is best for both individuals, which is part of being a team.

    Protecting yourselves (mutually, and equally) in the event of an unexpected illness (or similar) which nobody can predict or expect is prudent and has literally no downside. I am not saying the 3 account system is the only way to accomplish this either, but it seems to work for a lot of people. Trust has absolutely nothing to do with what we're discussing.
    In response to both of you (who are both smart people, I know):

    I've realized participating in this thread that many of my views on this arise from naivete, rather than from some special insight.

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    I have yet to see any of the pro multi-account posters put forth an explanation that makes me go: "Oh, that makes a lot of sense... I get why you do it that way, because _____".

    Instead, now all I can think of is something someone alluded to earlier - having two accounts is like having two separate refrigerators in your kitchen.

    Your groceries go in yours, your wife's in hers. It's really not that different than having one, after all. Some items go in one, some in the other... You tell each other that really the ingredients are "ours". And sure, you'll make her a sandwich once in a while, or she'll share something and when it comes time for Thanksgiving dinner, you'll both pitch in what you can to supply the ingredients. And I'll admit, by all accounts, it works. But at the end of the day... Why? It really just seems like maybe one - or both of you - are afraid of sharing the last slice or getting caught finishing off the tub of Haagen Dazs.
    Last edited by you&me; 08-14-2019 at 02:32 PM.

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