School me on being a Dad

[schurchill39]

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I've been told you can't spoil a newborn, so we're holding the 3 week old quite often, but I am fully going to be on the sleep training boat when she's old enough.

This is correct, you can't because their little brains can't make the connection. At about 6 months is when they start to do that (if I remember correctly) which is when "they" say you can start sleep training. They need to be developmentally ready for it and be able to relate one thing to another, before that its pointless. All they DO know is that crying = titty (or bottle).

But when they hit that milestone I am a HUGE fan of sleep training. It made a world of a difference for our kids and I think established a solid foundation for their relationship with their beds and sleep.

*cautionary statement: what worked for us might not work for you. Everyone is just out here trying not to raise terrorists - there is no right or wrong way to do things as long as you do it safely and with their best interest in mind*

[shakalaka]

Correct; based on everything we've read and researched about it, you can't really start sleep training or things like trying to teach them how to self soothe (letting them cry it out) method until they are at least 6 months of age. We would love nothing more than being able to do that but just not possible at this time and there is nothing other than 'suck it up' is what can be done it appears. It's the most helpless/powerless feeling ever, haha. Man these are some tough times, especially for the mrs. Almost want to start getting her to think about seeing a dr. and get medication for what I am certain is ppd.

[ExtraSlow]

Ppd is no joke, can be very serious. Impacts men as well, both indirectly, because your wife is hurting, but directly as well for many of the same reasons it hits the women. Keep an eye on it, give her as many real breaks as you can, breaks where she leaves the house without the baby and spends time with adult women. That's what I think helps most.

[pf0sh0]

I think sleep training early as possible helps. There is a big chance we just lucked out with how she is, but she started sleeping on her own for long stints of the night pretty early. I think a big part was also having a set routine every night right before bed.


Not sure if this well help, but we followed some of this guidance:

https://takingcarababies.com/

[schurchill39]

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Correct; based on everything we've read and researched about it, you can't really start sleep training or things like trying to teach them how to self soothe (letting them cry it out) method until they are at least 6 months of age. We would love nothing more than being able to do that but just not possible at this time and there is nothing other than 'suck it up' is what can be done it appears. It's the most helpless/powerless feeling ever, haha. Man these are some tough times, especially for the mrs. Almost want to start getting her to think about seeing a dr. and get medication for what I am certain is ppd.

Absolutely start the conversations with her now. Let her know that you don't feel she is herself and you understand its partially because of the stress as a new parent but there could also be some other things going on that talking to a professional might be beneficial. Just because you talk to a Dr. doesn't necessarily mean she will be on meds but it does mean someone besides you can hear whats going on with her.

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Ppd is no joke, can be very serious. Impacts men as well, both indirectly, because your wife is hurting, but directly as well for many of the same reasons it hits the women. Keep an eye on it, give her as many real breaks as you can, breaks where she leaves the house without the baby and spends time with adult women. That's what I think helps most.

I think I probably had some depression after my second child was born. I was kind of numb and going through the motions, I didn't really give a shit about the baby. Having been through some pretty serious mental health issues in my early 20's it was actually pretty scary once I realized what was going on. So it absolutely can effect men as well.

There is never any harm in discussing PPD before baby is born, during the early months, or after everything is "better". Communication is key with these things and its okay to not be okay. You're not alone in feeling how you do, its super common for new parents. And understand that the way your baby is behaving is very normal for newborns (in the sense of understanding your kid isn't broken, they are just being a baby) so seeking help if you find it overwhelming is abolsutely the right thing to do.

[riander5]

We tried sleep training our first several ways (not the cry it out for 3 hours method) but with 10 - 15 - 20 minute check ins etc. Never really worked. With our second we never even tried. She sleeps through the nights some nights, some nights she comes in and sleeps with us if shes up.

I can tell you, our household is much better bringing a baby into bed when needed than arguing about and suffering through hours of crying. Can't imagine it's worse for the kid.

[JfuckinC]

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We tried sleep training our first several ways (not the cry it out for 3 hours method) but with 10 - 15 - 20 minute check ins etc. Never really worked. With our second we never even tried. She sleeps through the nights some nights, some nights she comes in and sleeps with us if shes up.

I can tell you, our household is much better bringing a baby into bed when needed than arguing about and suffering through hours of crying. Can't imagine it's worse for the kid.

man just like everything else, works for some, doesn't for others.

We were just strict as fuck on schedule and routine, kinda sucked our lives away on weekends but when everyone complains about their kids not sleeping but they're out and about disrupting their schedule i dont really feel all that bad lol..... We were lucky though, and had a reasonable time at the start for sleep for both kids. just gotta figure out what works.

Kids can be fucking tough mentally though god damn lol

[pf0sh0]

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man just like everything else, works for some, doesn't for others.

We were just strict as fuck on schedule and routine, kinda sucked our lives away on weekends but when everyone complains about their kids not sleeping but they're out and about disrupting their schedule i dont really feel all that bad lol..... We were lucky though, and had a reasonable time at the start for sleep for both kids. just gotta figure out what works.

Kids can be fucking tough mentally though god damn lol

At least if the baby is sleeping by 730 +/- you have a majority of the evening haha. And it helps if the other person doesn't mind doing the night routine solo and the other can go do something .. or like we have done, showed my parents the night routine and we can have a night out too.

Still can be a pain in the ass, we went on vacation a few weeks ago and it her sleeping has been hit or miss.

[shakalaka]

Oh I am definitely on her in terms of she needs to seek out help, whether it be a therapist or dr. with the prospect of medication. I have read up a lot on it and apparently women that are high achieving and high functioning get hit with ppd a lot because of the significant disruption in their life and them no longer being able to focus on things like their careers. That is definitely the issue with my wife, she has 2 masters, is a psychologist and is one of those weirdo's that absolutely loves her profession. I can tell she misses it greatly and doesn't want to be sitting at home constantly and then feels guilty about feeling that way of wanting to be at work instead of with the baby.

It doesn't help that during my research I found a recent news story of an American doctor who was well loved and super skilled but had severe ppd after the birth of their baby and the husband one day found her and the baby dead at home after she shot herself and the baby. So yea fucking ppd definitely is no joke, especially in extreme cases. My wife goes through days, when he is not as difficult she is okay but it's just that right now he has more difficult days than not.

It doesn't help that this guy is definitely higher than average for a cranky baby. In the 3 months so far, maybe there were 2 or 3 nights max when he slept *mostly* (5 hrs) through the night but otherwise it's up every 2 or 3 hrs at night and sometimes much more frequently during the day. Plus the hardest thing is to put him to sleep cause he will cry in your arms for no reason for forever before falling asleep and then the moment you put him down, it rarely ever lasts more than 15-20 mins for him. I have also started to talk to her about us getting a nanny and that isn't gonna be easy for her to trust someone like that.

We have both our mom's around and mine is up from Calgary staying with us and the wife doesn't even fully feel comfortable trusting her, or her own mom for that matter. But the baby also fusses like crazy and no one other than my wife and me can calm him down/put him to sleep. Fuck...one day at a time I guess, hoping for better days soon.

[88CRX]

Yea dude, shit ain’t easy.

It’s the best and the worst, all at the same time. Just keep chugging through it and enjoy the good days/times and try not to come out of it resenting anyone.

[ExtraSlow]

Yeah buddy. How comfortable is she trusting you, and leaving you 100% in charge, while she leaves the house? I know there's some cultural stuff, but I think a big part of "being a man" is being able to take care of the offspring in every sense of the word.

Also, you may need to protect your wife FROM the grandparents, depending on how things are with them. There are times when you need to kick them out, and reclaim that mental space for your own little family. That for sure depends on your own unique situation. But I've seen issues with too much "help" from the grandparents being a huge problem.

[LilDrunkenSmurf]

My MIL comes by daily from 6am-noon to watch the kiddo for us to get extra sleep/someone else to soothe the baby. It's wonderful, but we also need to kick her out sometimes because she can drive my wife nuts.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Pills are a last resort, particularly if breast-feeding.

[you&me]

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Pills are a last resort, particularly if breast-feeding.

This times a bazillion.

[riander5]

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This times a bazillion.

x10 bazillion

[shakalaka]

Not breast feeding anymore so that's not an issue, though pills should be the last resort regardless I feel.

[killramos]

Sounds like you need to send your wife for a week in Maui while you watch the kiddo shak

[riander5]

Unless the pill is for me. And it has mushrooms in it. But I digress

[ExtraSlow]

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Unless the pill is for me. And it has mushrooms in it. But I digress

That's always reccomended.

[riander5]

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Correct; based on everything we've read and researched about it, you can't really start sleep training or things like trying to teach them how to self soothe (letting them cry it out) method until they are at least 6 months of age. We would love nothing more than being able to do that but just not possible at this time and there is nothing other than 'suck it up' is what can be done it appears. It's the most helpless/powerless feeling ever, haha. Man these are some tough times, especially for the mrs. Almost want to start getting her to think about seeing a dr. and get medication for what I am certain is ppd.

People are all over the map on this one. Im a huge adversary of the literal 'leave them till they fall asleep from abandonment + exhaustion'. Even sleep trainers call this 'extinction'. I do believe at the end of the day if your wife is on the verge of a breakdown, sleep training is much so the lesser evil. Healthy and happy mom is always 1st.

I have a co worker about to do it to their 2 month old. I just keep my opinions to myself. I've found this is best policy with respect to the office.