Separated, but living in the same house. Possible?

[Kloubek]

So, after a 12 year marriage, 14 year relationship and a 10 year old son, my relationship is over.

I feel my wife has taken on narcissistic tendencies, and the relationship became a severe stress on my mental health - which as some of you know, isn't always in great shape at the best of times. I was not getting any kind of emotional benefit from it any longer.

So once we moved past me finally having an opportunity to express myself and her begging me to stay, we are now at the point where it is time to move on. She has since moved into a temporary rental while we figure out logistics.

The reason for my post is that I wanted opinions from those who might have heard of this scenario: She wants us to renovate the basement so she can live down there. When we built the house, we did so with the intention of possibly adding an illegal suite for extra income. That never happened, but the house is built for it. Big windows, 9ft ceilings, a separate entrance, and full appliance hookups including washer and dryer. Essentially, if an agreement holds, she can live down there and we would almost never see each other.

Now in an ideal world, we'd just sell the house and move on. But I'm not a baller by Beyond standards, and it would be a dramatic standard of living reduction. More importantly though, is our son would break up his time between places and uprooting him from school and friends isn't something we'd prefer to do either.

So, obviously a scenario like this comes with pros and cons... though I tend to see more positives than negatives. In particular as it pertains to our son and his comfort.

Does anyone know a couple who have tried this, and how did it go?

Please go easy guys. I'm not in a great place right now....

[riander5]

No, just no. You already know the answer is no.

[ExtraSlow]

This is not impossible, but if what you need is to live away from this woman, then what you need is to live AWAY from this woman.

You may need couples counselling about how to move forward before you spend a bunch of money on a rennovation.

Maybe a trial 2 months in an apartment is the smart move?

[gmc72]

My ex wanted a similar setup when we split. She wanted a duplex where I would have one side and she would have another, and there would be a door between the 2 houses for our son to switch houses. I thought about it for about 2 minutes, and shot it down. I wanted nothing to this woman anymore. The passing years have re-enforced that I made the right decision.

I understand that you want the best situation for your son, but I do not believe this is the right solution.

Sorry to hear you have to deal with this. Let me say that life gets better on the other side of the mess.

[Buster]

"You aren't divorcing, you are semi-detaching."

- @89coupe

[pheoxs]

Better invest in a lot of sound insulation. Living above/below an ex sounds terrible.

[bjstare]

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"You aren't divorcing, you are semi-detaching."

- @89coupe

must spread rep...

[Kloubek]

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This is not impossible, but if what you need is to live away from this woman, then what you need is to live AWAY from this woman.

You may need couples counselling about how to move forward before you spend a bunch of money on a rennovation.

Maybe a trial 2 months in an apartment is the smart move?

We already did a 1 month trial separation with her living in the same rental. It didn't teach her much.

It's a big expense for certain, but I imagine we'd get back MOST of it when we eventually did sell the house. I'm not too concerned about that. I can also do some of the work myself, so it won't be an insane cost.

I understand that I need to live away from her, and that's one of the things that makes this so odd. From a physical proximity perspective, she's closeby. But I should not see her very much at all - and in fact, may see her even less than I would if we lived apart due to times during the hand-off of our son, which we wouldn't have to do if we did this; he'd simply walk downstairs.

As for counselling, she has refused to do that in the past. The one time we did, she tried to twist the situation to make me look bad, and the counseller (a female) immediately took her side and dismissed anything I had to say. (Even my wife admitted this). She did see someone twice privately, but discontinued that. She only went because I told her she had to in order to come back after our last breakup. In any event, if she legit has narcissism, counselling doesn't do a thing. People with such a condition can't fix it until they admit it exists and they have a problem. While she has finally admitted she fucked up our relationship, I'm not sure she really believes that, but instead it was just a manipulation tactic so I would take her back.

Actually, Riander, I DON'T know. I know it is unconventional for certain, but although it isn't the clean break I probably need and it opens up the possibility of her screwing me again one way or another in the end, I actually think it IS a potential option.

I talked to my sister, and she has a friend who did this. So far, it's been 3 years and she believes it is working out just fine for them. I do think success requires written and signed ground rules, and a true effort for both sides to be reasonable in the interests of the kid.

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Better invest in a lot of sound insulation. Living above/below an ex sounds terrible.

I imagine this is entirely true. Despite my not wanting to be with her anymore, hearing her get fucked by someone else isn't high on my list of things I wish to hear.

To be clear, I don't see this as a permanent solution. To me, this is maybe a 2 year solution while interest rates stabilize and our son gets more used to the idea of us being apart.

[Twin_Cam_Turbo]

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"You aren't divorcing, you are semi-detaching."

- @89coupe

“You’ve given out too much rep in the last 24 hours”

[bjstare]

I would avoid sharing a house at all costs. Aside from everything that's been mentioned, the opportunity for the kid to just walk down/upstairs to the other parent has a great potential to cause conflict, IMO. Odds are, he's going to have a bias to spending time with one parent over the other if he's got complete freedom. The parent that's not getting picked is going to have hurt feelings/resentment at best, and will make life a living hell for the other parent (and maybe kid) at worst.

[SJW]

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No, just no. You already know the answer is no.

This x 1000.

[Doozer]

I don't know anyone in that situation but it sounds like potential for huge issues. I would avoid at all costs.

A separation is your first step towards doing what is truly right for your mental/physical health. Maybe the hardest decision you'll ever make. Don't half-ass it from here just because sharing is easier.

[killramos]

Did you try fucking her dad?

[ExtraSlow]

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Did you try fucking her dad?

That was the first problem.

In all seriousness, I know for myself, I could never deal with this. If I ever separate, I'll need some real physical distance to maintain my sanity. I'd rather lose a pile of money in real estate and we both go back to rental apartments than anything like what you describe.

[SJW]

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That was the first problem.

In all seriousness, I know for myself, I could never deal with this. If I ever separate, I'll need some real physical distance to maintain my sanity. I'd rather lose a pile of money in real estate and we both go back to rental apartments than anything like what you describe.

ES would go straight back to smashin bitches.

[ExtraSlow]

I didn't quite do enough of that when I was single. Figure I'll start a dilf only fans and Insta and just let things get gross.

[JRSC00LUDE]

This scenario will not help your mental stability and ultimately, I don't know that it will help your son. The only way I can imagine this being a feasible thing is if each of you have ZERO emotional entanglement over the other. Like absolute zero, and can be best friends. It doesn't sound like that is where this is at. If you go down that road, it may make that an absolute impossibility for the future too. And THAT will hurt your child far more than the short term discomfort, of which there will be plenty for all involved no matter how amicable you work to make it.

[ercchry]

Do you think a narcissist is going to abide by any sort of written agreement once you start to move on with another partner?

Sharing a house will have that on display to them day in and day out and will 100% lead to nutty shit

Edit:

And yes, you will need to move on. If you do not you will for sure fall back into the toxic relationship out of sheer loneliness at a minimum. She knows this, she wants this so she can continue to control your relationship

[Buster]

Will need pics of dad and wife

[mr2mike]

Step 1: Get the cost to break the mortgage early. Can you afford it?

Step 2: Don't leave the house or move out for any reason. Grounds for "abandoning the household" argument.

I could only see it working how you're saying is if you're both never going to be banging someone else again. Once that happens, it'll get very messy. Art room x1000.