2020 Beer Advent Calendar Review: Parallel-49

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 14 cont'd...

I'm a little concerned that another reviewer (obviously SKR) reported severe bloating that did not subside and led to a couple bouts of #ConcentratedSquirtyBum less than 12hr later, but that was probably just Coronavirus obtained from church, or whatever other dumb shit is still deemed [acceptable]...

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 15: Deflexion British Golden Ale
I am excite for a British Golden Ale because that is a thing and a delicious thing! The only possible risk would be if this was made by a bunch of Penny Farthing riding, twisty moustached, limp dick, skinny chinos, mixed gender, beard waxed, assholes.
Guess what happens next? Instead of a crisp taste, some fuck-hole decided to add about 40 IBU to it.
A taste that makes me want to go back in time and viciously bully the creators into getting eating disorders and Ketamine addictions.
What's even more sad is this beer isn't even bad. It's just so incredibly far from what it's supposed to be that it makes me want to harm the innocent. Pretend you loved simple, BBQ'd steak and that someone served you "their unique take" on BBQ'd steak which consisted of ground pork in the shape of a steak, glazed in hoisin sauce and coated in cilantro paste.
Is it good? Yeah, kind of, I guess, maybe.
Is it steak? No! It couldn't be further.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 16: Hot Wild Roggenbier
Who gives a fuck anymore?! It's a chunk of fuck, grossly over floral, Saison dominant, characterless dump in a glass.

[ExtraSlow]

Roggenbeir, so it's supposed to taste like Seth Rogan? Or Joe Rogan?

[Buster]

Parallel 49.... Never again.

[ThePenIsMightier]

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Roggenbeir, so it's supposed to taste like Seth Rogan? Or Joe Rogan?

I think it's an officially licensed, CanAmerican-Combo of both their dumps - blended, strained and served.
They'd market it by putting "a totally sweet bud" on the label to cater to their hallmark customers and help remind them "oh yeah... Those guys totally blazes the sticky greens!"

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 17: Uvavu Belgian IPA

Happy Birthday, Jesus! I hope you like crap!

[2Legit2Quit]

Parallel was okay before the craft brewery boom, I haven't had it in years as there's way better product out there, this thread is good reinforcement to never buy their beer again.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 18: Hey Presto! Passion-Fruit Wit
Cloudy, stinky, Saison, hoppy. Properly carbonated?!!? I don't know how to life, anymore!
Meh, it's not good, but I was angrily expecting something terrible and it's not. The passionfruit is coming off a bit like grapefruit which is making it seem like a sour. If it's supposed to be a sour, it's not bad as a sour. I don't really think a "Wit" is supposed to be a sour, but whatever.
"This beer didn't make me furious" is the new high water mark.

[dirtsniffer]

Too many good AB brewers to support any bullshit from those stupid fucks on the coast.

Enjoying the reviews

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 19: Ghost Pepper Chocolate Imperial Porter
Oh, and it's 10%. Fuck it, spumoni. I'm not even opening this. It's got 3 strikes before opening. No.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 19 PART-2: Ghost Pepper Chocolate Imperial Porter (from the garbage)
Dug it out and tried it. It's surprisingly good, mainly because there is absolutely no hint of pepper flavour, at all. A nice strong, thick beer without the alcohol burn or any dominant, terrible flavour.

I can't believe it's not butt hair!

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 20: Skullduggerer Black Lager
Dark lagers are good. You can't find a way to fuck up more than one of these. Thankfully, I am correct. It's a delicious and proper Black Lager. If you have not had a black lager before, get on it. It's everything wonderful about a lager with a slightly toasted oat taste to cap it off. That doesn't really sounds good, but I promise you, it is! Incredibly refreshing and crisp, while staying crushable without the heavy weight you'd expect.

*Note that there is a difference between black lager and Black Label...

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 22: In The Mixer, Belgian Spiced Ale
There's nothing disagreeable about this one. It's got that strong colour and flavour that many of the less popular Belgian beers have. (Think everything except Stella Artois). I love Stella but it's apparently mocked by those who feel Belgium is the centre of the beer universe and save their money for Duvel or argue that Leffe is better. They'll call it "Belgian Budweiser" which I think is dismissive and snobby because Stella is just great.
This one is packing 7.1% which is getting up there and the spicy flavour in the heavier beer is something you should want on December 21st, for example. And, let's not get ahead of ourselves... It's made in Vancouver, not Belgium.
My struggle is that the spicy flavour was very pronounced and just a little weird. I can't quite put my finger on it and my taste buds are not sophisticated enough to nail it down. I feel like there was nutmeg and maybe cinnamon or chicory, plus... Something... Something weird that didn't belong like Patchouli.
So, overall, nothing much to complain about as it delivered what it promised. I just wanted it to make me feel like falling asleep in front of the fire in the company of strangers, and, it didn't.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 21*: Knight Cap Vanilla Chocolate Dark Lager
*I screwed up the order between 21 and 22. Part of the reason for this is that even the box Parallel 49 makes is lousy. If you put the case on its side, one of the beers from an upper row will fall down into an empty spot in the row under it.

So this was supposed to be directly after the last black lager, which is weird. It's quite good. None of the vanilla or chocolate flavours come through strong, which is good. In fact, it's more subtle than Lion's Winter Ale from Granville Island.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 23:3-Speed Dry Hopped Sour
It's a sour, that someone tried to make hoppy. That's the cool thing to do, right? It's not good. It's not special. It has those weird floaties that are neutral buoyant and fiz like a creepy Pop-Rock in the beer.
Lame.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Day 24: Subway Villain IPA
The final middle finger is an IPA that's completely unspecial for Christmas Eve in an $82, Beer Advent Calendar. That's as 2020 as you can get.
Well, it sucks. Parallel 49 sucks and I look forward to living several more decades without giving them another dollar.
Zero beers that make you stand up & cheer and about 5 that were remarkably terrible. I'd look up the stats, but I don't care and no one else should.



Merry Christmas to everyone who read along!

[ThePenIsMightier]

Someone left me a rather funny +Rep that said "you suffered for all our sins" and I got a good kick out of that in Christmas! LoL!!

Parallel 49 is terrible.

[tcon]

Quality content