Brutal honesty time: How to deal with frustration and change mentalities.

[killramos]

I thought you could pay people less if you invested in their development ?

[Xtrema]

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I thought you could pay people less if you invested in their development ?

Shhh, don't say it out loud.

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That doesn't sounds like it went "glowingly" to me?

Sounds like they like the result but not the potential liability if a snow flakes ends up in his path.

[speedog]

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Alright, time to wear my heart on my sleeve here, and ask for some help.

I was given a performance review today, which came back glowingly. My Manager and Director are both happy with my performance and results and, in general, are not able to identify any areas that require improvement, performance-wise.

However, my Manager told me that some people find me too "aggressive, dominant, and even combative". I agree, I can be all of those things. In my role, those are all desirable traits, and even ones my Manager somewhat promoted. He likened it to "A bull in a china shop". He didn't care how I fixed a problem, just get it fixed yesterday, and he would deal with the hurt feelings report that came after, which a few did. He knew I would drive things as fast as possible to get the desired result.

I 100% agree that I have all those traits in spades when the pressure is on. I don't have time for the indecisive, lazy, or incompetent when there can be millions of dollars on the line the longer an issue is drawn out. My job is periods of complete relaxation, and then being ramped up to a million PSI in the blink of an eye, and back down again. Kinda like a fireman. One extreme to another. So I imagine that these identified traits are the result of stress and frustration.

I have always considered myself to be able to deal with stress pretty well and not let it bother me, but, the more thought I gave this, the more I realized that I think the majority of this is coming from frustration. I realized I don't think I have ever given that any real thought, or in ways to deal with it constructively.

So, I am wondering, how do YOU deal with frustration in the workplace? Do you have any tips? Resources? Meditation techniques? I am open to pretty much anything.

Thanks! I would say thanks for not being "judgy" but, this is Beyond, after all... LOL

Worked 26.5 years at TELUS and then walked away with no package, frustration with the red tape in that company was producing an immense amount of stress for me and it took my wife to open up my eyes to the fact that life is about more than a regular pay check from a workplace that you're not necessarily enjoying any more.

Since that resignation, I've been solely responsible for my own gainful employment and the stress levels are much less - the problem is that many people find being responsible for their own employment to be a huge mountain to climb but now that I've been doing it I wish I had done it years earlier, there's something very rewarding about being in control of one's own career as opposed to being just a number in a big corporation.

It's all too easy to become very comfortable just a being a number and yes, there's nothing wrong with that for many but being able directly control one's own destiny is immensely more satisfying. Don't be afraid to look outside of your comfortable employment box - my wife and I are looking at that once again as an experiment my wife and I did about a month ago in her business will be seen nationwide on a small scale in about a year's time, this experiment kind of blew wide open for us in the first two weeks of October and will be explosive in a year's time and has the very real potential of both of us never having to work for anyone else ever again even in a subcontractor type of role and certainly not an employee role. Just don't be afraid to pull the curtain back a bit a peek at what is potentially out there.

[Hallowed_point]

Not much help, but I'm picturing a portly white man in his late 40's - early 50's who lives on coffee and snack food. Heavy breathing and no concept of personal space. Thinks he motivates his workers by berating them and "keeping them busy." Everyone has had a supervisor like that and its not leadership
In fact , no one takes those kind of people seriously and they usually fizzle out/have a stroke. My advice is listen more and work on motivating staff with your actions and processes vs bird dog aggressive approach.

Remember, you will be replaced quicker than a piece of office equipment if you have a jammer/stroke. Its a mental game. Find out what motivates your co workers by talking to them. And not just that bs "hows your weekend" level of conversation. Be open to criticism and new ideas no matter who they come from.

[ThePenIsMightier]

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Not much help, but I'm picturing a portly white man in his late 40's - early 50's who lives on coffee and snack food. Heavy breathing and no concept of personal space. Thinks he motivates his workers by berating them and "keeping them busy." Everyone has had a supervisor like that and its not leadership
In fact , no one takes those kind of people seriously and they usually fizzle out/have a stroke. My advice is listen more and work on motivating staff with your actions and processes vs bird dog aggressive approach.

Remember, you will be replaced quicker than a piece of office equipment if you have a jammer/stroke. Its a mental game. Find out what motivates your co workers by talking to them. And not just that bs "hows your weekend" level of conversation. Be open to criticism and new ideas no matter who they come from.

No. They need to check the box on the PRF that they "gave him something to work on" and meanwhile wildly promote him repeatedly without giving a squirt of fuck that he steps on people's tender toes to consistently get results.

I've spent years basically being a Doug Stamper to VP's. They ain't following no Tony Robbins, TedTalks fru-fru leadership. They are killing and eating everything around them, all day, every day.

[max_boost]

Is this book still relevant? How to win friends and influence people - dale Carnegie

Or

Twelve and a half - Gary V

Or

Go for coffee with buster and killaramos

Tbh sounds like mgmt wants you to polish up on your soft skills but it’s tough man, I think we are the way we are for the most part but ofc can still always improve on things. Good luck spikers!

[Kloubek]

For what it's worth...

One thing I've found helps me under stress is considering perception. Changing your whole personality in such situations is an enormous task. But what's really important isn't so much how you feel inside (you seem pretty comfortable with that), but how others perceive you during those times.

So to improve that, you need to assess what you actually say and do that gives this perception and find healthier outward actions that not offend the pansies.

I have times at work I just want to scream at someone because they are being so childish and ridiculous. Yet, my whole team believes I'm perfectly chill most of these times. Why? Because I monitor my tone, my volume, and my pace of speaking. I try (sometimes unsuccessfuly) to choose my words wisely, and am conscious of my body language.

You can be that same guy inside, and fighting against that is like fighting nature. But at the same time, you can be aware of how you project, and try to redirect yourself otherwise if required.

It also helps to have a trusted confidant available to vent to. One can only hold these frustrations in for so long, and we can't all wait till we get home for that...

[bjstare]

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there's something very rewarding about being in control of one's own career as opposed to being just a number in a big corporation.

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

[ExtraSlow]

I'm super happy Speedog has something he loves now. But self-employment isn't a guarantee of "being in control" of anything. I think it's fair to say that different roles and employment models work for different people.

[vengie]

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Is this book still relevant? How to win friends and influence people - dale Carnegie

This book is always relevant - Personally I read chunks of it every ~6 months as a reminder.

This is honestly a great topic though, and one I don't think we talk about enough.

I've had difficulties with stress, frustration and a short fuse over the last couple years.
Some small things that have helped me significantly are breathing (Wim Hof), Meditation (transcendental), Lions Mane Mushroom, Ashwaganda, and exercise.

The other step I took was getting my cortisol levels checked... It was far from ideal.

I feel like I am in a much better place now, but still deal with huge amounts of stress.

[max_boost]

Yea I hear you vengie. Audio podcasts have been huge for me. I need the constant reminder. It’s like my calming safe space.

It’s a balance tho.

I’m also discovering anti fragile. Stay strong fellas. Be gangster in chaos.

[JRSC00LUDE]

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Sounds like they like the result but not the potential liability if a snow flakes ends up in his path.

Granted I don't understand the company or the environment but a broad brushstroke would say that is the sort of feedback that may limit a person from climbing further up the chain if left unimproved.

Good post though spikerS, we all have weaknesses (well, you all at least ) so it's good to consider and accept needing to refine some things.

[flipstah]

If you ever need to de-stress, build me a free library @spikerS

For me, I work out and lay it on the iron.

[XylathaneGTR]

So you've been given feedback about a blindspot - you can either view this as a gift and use it to commit to change, or dismiss it as criticism and move on. Finding an outlet for your frustrations is a valuable coping mechanism, but that won't actually help you fill out this blindspot - you need to commit to the change.

A few years ago I received similar feedback about my conduct, and the affect it had on my team. It was a huge surprise to me (that's why they call it a blindspot, right?), and I was taken aback and a little upset. One of the keys for me was to find someone I trusted to use as a "sounding board" and a "coach" for this feedback; Just to walk through things in more detail, talk about impact and perspective, and how to improve. I followed up with this same contact a few times over the years as a "progress check" which was also very helpful. Lastly, I sought out some external training (gotta spend that development budget) on the subject (in this case, Emotional Intelligence), and I found it extremely helpful to recognize what I was doing, the impact it had to my team, and to equip me with a few tools to change my perspective. After that, it was a lot of work "applying" the training to my daily interactions, and checking in with my trusted coaches (and one of the team members who was the source of some of that feedback. She expressed interest in supporting me here, others were not interested). Shoot me a PM and I can forward you the course details - maybe it's relevant to your situation.

One really helpful piece for me which came out of this training was recognizing my "triggers" which started my shift into "bull-in-china-shop mode" and interrupting that process "in the moment." Once I saw it coming, all it took was taking a sip of water and breathing for 10 seconds to break the process and keep me in a better mindset - this was a huge improvement.

[Buster]

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So you've been given feedback about a blindspot - you can either view this as a gift and use it to commit to change, or dismiss it as criticism and move on. Finding an outlet for your frustrations is a valuable coping mechanism, but that won't actually help you fill out this blindspot - you need to commit to the change.

A few years ago I received similar feedback about my conduct, and the affect it had on my team. It was a huge surprise to me (that's why they call it a blindspot, right?), and I was taken aback and a little upset. One of the keys for me was to find someone I trusted to use as a "sounding board" and a "coach" for this feedback; Just to walk through things in more detail, talk about impact and perspective, and how to improve. I followed up with this same contact a few times over the years as a "progress check" which was also very helpful. Lastly, I sought out some external training (gotta spend that development budget) on the subject (in this case, Emotional Intelligence), and I found it extremely helpful to recognize what I was doing, the impact it had to my team, and to equip me with a few tools to change my perspective. After that, it was a lot of work "applying" the training to my daily interactions, and checking in with my trusted coaches (and one of the team members who was the source of some of that feedback. She expressed interest in supporting me here, others were not interested). Shoot me a PM and I can forward you the course details - maybe it's relevant to your situation.

One really helpful piece for me which came out of this training was recognizing my "triggers" which started my shift into "bull-in-china-shop mode" and interrupting that process "in the moment." Once I saw it coming, all it took was taking a sip of water and breathing for 10 seconds to break the process and keep me in a better mindset - this was a huge improvement.

this is how it's done.

[ExtraSlow]

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So you've been given feedback about a blindspot - you can either view this as a gift and use it to commit to change, or dismiss it as criticism and move on. Finding an outlet for your frustrations is a valuable coping mechanism, but that won't actually help you fill out this blindspot - you need to commit to the change.

A few years ago I received similar feedback about my conduct, and the affect it had on my team. It was a huge surprise to me (that's why they call it a blindspot, right?), and I was taken aback and a little upset. One of the keys for me was to find someone I trusted to use as a "sounding board" and a "coach" for this feedback; Just to walk through things in more detail, talk about impact and perspective, and how to improve. I followed up with this same contact a few times over the years as a "progress check" which was also very helpful. Lastly, I sought out some external training (gotta spend that development budget) on the subject (in this case, Emotional Intelligence), and I found it extremely helpful to recognize what I was doing, the impact it had to my team, and to equip me with a few tools to change my perspective. After that, it was a lot of work "applying" the training to my daily interactions, and checking in with my trusted coaches (and one of the team members who was the source of some of that feedback. She expressed interest in supporting me here, others were not interested). Shoot me a PM and I can forward you the course details - maybe it's relevant to your situation.

One really helpful piece for me which came out of this training was recognizing my "triggers" which started my shift into "bull-in-china-shop mode" and interrupting that process "in the moment." Once I saw it coming, all it took was taking a sip of water and breathing for 10 seconds to break the process and keep me in a better mindset - this was a huge improvement.

Really well written and well thought out perspective here.

[prae]

I can strongly recommend https://cruciallearning.com/crucial-...-for-dialogue/. It's a relatively reasonable time commitment (we ran about 2hrs of self-directed study / week, with a 1hr group discussion for four weeks). It provides a specific framework and approach to avoiding the verbal violence you describe, and having more effective conversations. Money very well spent.

[CompletelyNumb]

No one here is a member of fight club, I see.

[Kloubek]

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No one here is a member of fight club, I see.

We can't talk about that...

[Lex350]

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I'm super happy Speedog has something he loves now. But self-employment isn't a guarantee of "being in control" of anything. I think it's fair to say that different roles and employment models work for different people.

I agree. I've own a couple businesses but I now work for an employee for someone else. Although I loved the autonomy of having my own business, at this stage of my career, I like the stability and like not having as much stress as I had when I owned my businesses.