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Thread: Brutal honesty time: How to deal with frustration and change mentalities.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePenIsMightier View Post
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    No. They need to check the box on the PRF that they "gave him something to work on" and meanwhile wildly promote him repeatedly without giving a squirt of fuck that he steps on people's tender toes to consistently get results.

    I've spent years basically being a Doug Stamper to VP's. They ain't following no Tony Robbins, TedTalks fru-fru leadership. They are killing and eating everything around them, all day, every day.
    Maybe I was unclear, I by no means agree with the current popularity of fru fru "how does that make you feel?" weakass style management. Can't have employees walking all over you. However, actual soft skills are not a weakness in the slightest. Happy people work harder, many would agree. Even Adolf lol .

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hallowed_point View Post
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    Maybe I was unclear, I by no means agree with the current popularity of fru fru "how does that make you feel?" weakass style management. Can't have employees walking all over you. However, actual soft skills are not a weakness in the slightest. Happy people work harder, many would agree. Even Adolf lol .
    I also agree, so maybe we're being unclear, together.
    I think EQ is perhaps the most critical component of management and I do my best to not be a Stalin every chance I get.
    But... The guys I know who built a company up to over $500MM, sold it and are working on another one do not do that. OmG do they ever not do that!!
    And they can fuckin have it. I don't think I could find a way to spend 1% of what they have and if I get to live my life with 75% less stress, I'll take it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by spikerS View Post
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    Alright, time to wear my heart on my sleeve here, and ask for some help.

    I was given a performance review today, which came back glowingly. My Manager and Director are both happy with my performance and results and, in general, are not able to identify any areas that require improvement, performance-wise.

    However, my Manager told me that some people find me too "aggressive, dominant, and even combative". I agree, I can be all of those things. In my role, those are all desirable traits, and even ones my Manager somewhat promoted. He likened it to "A bull in a china shop". He didn't care how I fixed a problem, just get it fixed yesterday, and he would deal with the hurt feelings report that came after, which a few did. He knew I would drive things as fast as possible to get the desired result.

    I 100% agree that I have all those traits in spades when the pressure is on. I don't have time for the indecisive, lazy, or incompetent when there can be millions of dollars on the line the longer an issue is drawn out. My job is periods of complete relaxation, and then being ramped up to a million PSI in the blink of an eye, and back down again. Kinda like a fireman. One extreme to another. So I imagine that these identified traits are the result of stress and frustration.

    I have always considered myself to be able to deal with stress pretty well and not let it bother me, but, the more thought I gave this, the more I realized that I think the majority of this is coming from frustration. I realized I don't think I have ever given that any real thought, or in ways to deal with it constructively.

    So, I am wondering, how do YOU deal with frustration in the workplace? Do you have any tips? Resources? Meditation techniques? I am open to pretty much anything.

    Thanks! I would say thanks for not being "judgy" but, this is Beyond, after all... LOL
    Appreciate your honesty and seeking advice! Lots of good recommendations in this thread already.
    I would say that aggressiveness and dominance are critical traits to have in a leadership type roll when you need to get things done now. Allowing your emotions to progress to combativeness might be where your problem lies. Take a time out and as mentioned learn why you allow things to escalate to that level and how to act differently. It takes work!
    Machining, Fabricating, Welding etc.

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    spikerS has vanished. I hope they didn't send him for reeducation.
    Originally posted by SJW
    Once again another useless post by JRSCOOLDUDE.
    Originally posted by snowcat
    Don't let the e-thugs and faggots get to you when they quote your posts and write stupid shit.
    Originally posted by JRSC00LUDE
    I say stupid shit all the time.
    ^^ Fact Checked

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    Quote Originally Posted by legendboy View Post
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    Appreciate your honesty and seeking advice! Lots of good recommendations in this thread already.
    I would say that aggressiveness and dominance are critical traits to have in a leadership type roll when you need to get things done now.
    I think you meant to say “assertiveness and confidence”.

    The traits you listed are good for dictators though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JRSC00LUDE View Post
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    spikerS has vanished. I hope they didn't send him for reeducation.


    No, I am still here, reading everything and listening to advice. A lot of it has been good, and I am going to pursue some of it. Other stuff is either garbage, or people missing the mark of what I am trying to accomplish, but, the input is still appreciated.

    My job and role isn't changing. I still have to deal with worst case scenarios and get things back on track as quickly as possible. I am just searching for a different way to approach things that might get me to the same end result with my boss dealing with less hurt feelings reports. BTW, he calls them that, and thinks they are funny. This part that I am looking to change was not part of my official review, just something he mentioned afterwards and made it clear it has no bearing on my employment or whatever. I just figure it might be something I can change...
    Boosted life tip #329
    Girlfriends cost money
    Turbos cost money
    Both make whining noises
    Make the smart choice.

    Originally posted by Mibz
    Always a fucking awful experience seeing spikers. Extra awful when he laps me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by killramos View Post
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    You realize you are talking to the guy who made his own furniture out of salad bowls right?

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    Quote Originally Posted by spikerS View Post
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    No, I am still here, reading everything and listening to advice. A lot of it has been good, and I am going to pursue some of it. Other stuff is either garbage, or people missing the mark of what I am trying to accomplish, but, the input is still appreciated.

    My job and role isn't changing. I still have to deal with worst case scenarios and get things back on track as quickly as possible. I am just searching for a different way to approach things that might get me to the same end result with my boss dealing with less hurt feelings reports. BTW, he calls them that, and thinks they are funny. This part that I am looking to change was not part of my official review, just something he mentioned afterwards and made it clear it has no bearing on my employment or whatever. I just figure it might be something I can change...
    Interesting your boss find humour in the feedback your team gives about you.

    Obviously it seems whatever you’re doing is pleasing your boss, and getting the task done.

    What isn’t happening is true leadership, leading down. They say selfish assholes lead up, and don’t care about leading down.

    I’m not saying that’s you, but true leadership is leading down to allow the team to accomplish with you, not for you.

    Does your boss share his praises with you from his management?
    "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age."

    -H.P. Lovecraft

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    Quote Originally Posted by Darkane View Post
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    Interesting your boss find humour in the feedback your team gives about you.

    Obviously it seems whatever you’re doing is pleasing your boss, and getting the task done.

    What isn’t happening is true leadership, leading down. They say selfish assholes lead up, and don’t care about leading down.

    I’m not saying that’s you, but true leadership is leading down to allow the team to accomplish with you, not for you.

    Does your boss share his praises with you from his management?
    That's a lot of assumptions there ...

    The feedback isn't from "my team". I don't have a team. zero direct reports. Quite frankly, I don't want any either. My threshold for stupid is pretty low and I know that won't end well. This is an area I would like to change, but I still wouldn't want to be managing a team full time.

    90% of the time, I am working with people in the field who are competent, driven, and understand the importance of what the situation is and why we are scrambling to fix it. The majority of these people get it and we all work pretty cohesively to resolve the issues. It's awesome. But there are those 10% that are either dumber than a door post, lazy, or are so engrained in union mentality that they become next to impossible to motivate or work with. These are the people that complain. My boss knows it, as does my director and VP. I work pretty closely with all of them and they know and see what is going on. They also give me plenty of recognition. Like I said, I am not worried about this stuff.

    I am looking for new ways and ideas on how to deal with frustration. Some of you have understood that and provided some great feedback. Others, well, just fail to comprehend what I am asking advice for.
    Boosted life tip #329
    Girlfriends cost money
    Turbos cost money
    Both make whining noises
    Make the smart choice.

    Originally posted by Mibz
    Always a fucking awful experience seeing spikers. Extra awful when he laps me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by spikerS View Post
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    I am looking for new ways and ideas on how to deal with frustration. Some of you have understood that and provided some great feedback. Others, well, just fail to comprehend what I am asking advice for.
    I think this thread has been above average in terms of comprehension and helpfulness.
    Quote Originally Posted by killramos View Post
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    You realize you are talking to the guy who made his own furniture out of salad bowls right?

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    Quote Originally Posted by ExtraSlow View Post
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    I think this thread has been above average in terms of comprehension and helpfulness.
    I don't disagree. Like I said, there has been some great feedback and helpful ideas that I am pursuing.
    Boosted life tip #329
    Girlfriends cost money
    Turbos cost money
    Both make whining noises
    Make the smart choice.

    Originally posted by Mibz
    Always a fucking awful experience seeing spikers. Extra awful when he laps me.

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    I think working out, because that's something I need to get back to.
    Quote Originally Posted by killramos View Post
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    You realize you are talking to the guy who made his own furniture out of salad bowls right?

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    Quote Originally Posted by spikerS View Post
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    That's a lot of assumptions there ...

    The feedback isn't from "my team". I don't have a team. zero direct reports. Quite frankly, I don't want any either. My threshold for stupid is pretty low and I know that won't end well. This is an area I would like to change, but I still wouldn't want to be managing a team full time.

    90% of the time, I am working with people in the field who are competent, driven, and understand the importance of what the situation is and why we are scrambling to fix it. The majority of these people get it and we all work pretty cohesively to resolve the issues. It's awesome. But there are those 10% that are either dumber than a door post, lazy, or are so engrained in union mentality that they become next to impossible to motivate or work with. These are the people that complain. My boss knows it, as does my director and VP. I work pretty closely with all of them and they know and see what is going on. They also give me plenty of recognition. Like I said, I am not worried about this stuff.

    I am looking for new ways and ideas on how to deal with frustration. Some of you have understood that and provided some great feedback. Others, well, just fail to comprehend what I am asking advice for.
    My appologies. I was convinced you’re a team lead! Well this changes some things.
    "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age."

    -H.P. Lovecraft

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    Quote Originally Posted by spikerS View Post
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    It's awesome. But there are those 10% that are either dumber than a door post, lazy, or are so engrained in union mentality that they become next to impossible to motivate or work with. These are the people that complain.
    Lost cause, the solution is to accept it is a union environment or quit

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    Quote Originally Posted by Darkane View Post
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    My appologies. I was convinced you’re a team lead! Well this changes some things.
    I know, it is kinda confusing. I do have people report to me directly, but only during the incident that I am managing. The rest of the time, I have zero contact with these other people. When the worst case scenario happens, it falls on me to manage it, document it, report on it, and then move on to the next one. During the incident, I "manage" the team I have assembled to mitigate and restore the systems to normal operation, but these team members are never my direct report. I just make sure they are on task, and doing what they are meant to be doing during the incident.

    I don't know if that clears things up any more LOL

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Hallowed_point View Post
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    Lost cause, the solution is to accept it is a union environment or quit
    It can be a sore point, for sure.
    Boosted life tip #329
    Girlfriends cost money
    Turbos cost money
    Both make whining noises
    Make the smart choice.

    Originally posted by Mibz
    Always a fucking awful experience seeing spikers. Extra awful when he laps me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by XylathaneGTR View Post
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    So you've been given feedback about a blindspot - you can either view this as a gift and use it to commit to change, or dismiss it as criticism and move on. Finding an outlet for your frustrations is a valuable coping mechanism, but that won't actually help you fill out this blindspot - you need to commit to the change.

    A few years ago I received similar feedback about my conduct, and the affect it had on my team. It was a huge surprise to me (that's why they call it a blindspot, right?), and I was taken aback and a little upset. One of the keys for me was to find someone I trusted to use as a "sounding board" and a "coach" for this feedback; Just to walk through things in more detail, talk about impact and perspective, and how to improve. I followed up with this same contact a few times over the years as a "progress check" which was also very helpful. Lastly, I sought out some external training (gotta spend that development budget) on the subject (in this case, Emotional Intelligence), and I found it extremely helpful to recognize what I was doing, the impact it had to my team, and to equip me with a few tools to change my perspective. After that, it was a lot of work "applying" the training to my daily interactions, and checking in with my trusted coaches (and one of the team members who was the source of some of that feedback. She expressed interest in supporting me here, others were not interested). Shoot me a PM and I can forward you the course details - maybe it's relevant to your situation.

    One really helpful piece for me which came out of this training was recognizing my "triggers" which started my shift into "bull-in-china-shop mode" and interrupting that process "in the moment." Once I saw it coming, all it took was taking a sip of water and breathing for 10 seconds to break the process and keep me in a better mindset - this was a huge improvement.
    ^^^ I like this ^^^

    Now managing people you have to deal with in the moment, but of whom you rarely work with one on one, is an entirely different thing than managing people of whom you do work with day in and day out. The day in and day out people you get to know their personalities and can tweak your own behaviours to best suit what they need to hear to maximize their performance, but he people who you need help from that you do not really know, that is a challenge for most people honestly. This is where being able to quickly assess a persons core personalities are a godsend, but again most cannot do that (at least as well as they think), so when in doubt, as dumb as it sounds, starting out by making them feel like they are heroes an can save the day is always a good place to start. Trying to immediately position yourself above them in authority often makes it a lot harder than it needs to be because nobody wants to feel like a stranger is just taking over their shit. You may still need to get there at some point, but you have to give people respect out of the gate and get them to want to help you and not just have to help you. They will always go above and beyond for you if you can make that connection and it is absolutely possible to do in relatively short order.

    Now the frustration aspect, honestly bro, you know exactly how you are and there is no pretending otherwise. It isn't a coping skill you need to do what you are asking. It is an internal change in yourself and that involves a ton of self assessment and trying to identify aspects you don't like about your own personality and then being very dedicated about recognizing when those things are triggering and coming around and consciously taking the time to ask yourself what you could have done better to be the way you want to be, then doing it.

    I have had to do this constantly as I have grown both in work and personally. I think for me the key was realizing that the issues are all mine to own. You cannot control other peoples personalities and behaviours. You can only control your own and how you react to what is happening around you. You either accept you are the proverbial "bull in the china shop", which may still be absolutely fine and works for your career and personal happiness, but by making a thread like this it sounds like you are not happy about it. If that is the case you have to look inside and start changing what you are less than happy with. If you are happy with it and really just wanted to see if others feel the same way, then accept it and move on and that is absolutely okay too.

    Personally, having have never worked with you at what you do, but from knowing you quite a long time, I think you always have what is right and the best end goal possible in mind no matter the task and that is amazing and you know I have nothing but the love for you, and anyone who knows you at all sees that as well, but I can also see in your personality that if someone doesn't know you and you are "in mode", it might absolutely be something that while effective at accomplishing what needs to be accomplished, it may not be winning you immediate adoration and respect from those you had to utilize to get there. That is just a trait of alpha personalities, and sometimes figuring out how and where to dial that back ever so slightly and let others in can reap huge rewards.

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    In my example, I didn't have direct reports either - I was a Project PM, and had a matrix of people working with me; I was accountable for the outcomes of the Project which includes performance of the team, but without that direct reporting line.

    Now the issue with my "bull in china shop" behaviour was: members of this team were feeling discouraged, disengaged, and not heard. In some cases, they felt bullied by me to see my point of view (even if I was right, but that's not the point). Some of them probably thought I was an asshole who didn't care how they felt, as long as we got the task done. Now ask yourself - are they giving their best to that product when they're working with me? Are they fully motivated? Do they give a shit about working with me if they feel like I don't give a shit about them or their feelings?

    Now ask yourself: do these underlying issues affect the outcome or result? The answer is yeah, it probably does to some degree. As the "leader" who is accountable for this outcome, whether they direct-report to me or not, it's on me to fix that problem (my EI & engagement) and potentially get a better result for the company. You may be successful as you currently are (I was), and the beauty of feedback is you don't have to do anything with it. You can dismiss it and go on your way and continue as you are and still be successful in what you do. But if you do want to change, you could be more successful or open up new opportunities for yourself and depending on where you are or how you feel, maybe that's worth it, maybe it's not. It was hard work, but going down this path has opened up new avenues for me, improved our results, and added valuable skills to my toolbox.
    Last edited by XylathaneGTR; 11-05-2021 at 02:41 PM.
    Originally posted by scat19
    I have a BMW so im not stupid.

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    Last 2 posts are top notch advice imo. The majority of us were just trying to find humor in the situation or bust your balls

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    Responding with empathy.
    A lot of leadership training courses go through this commonly in one or more of the "modules". You can't fake it either, you have to be genuine. It's tough but it does help with team collaboration and building long term trust.
    Last edited by Disoblige; 11-06-2021 at 12:46 PM.

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    All of the responsibility with none of the authority roles are awesome
    Originally posted by Thales of Miletus

    If you think I have been trying to present myself as intellectually superior, then you truly are a dimwit.
    Originally posted by Toma
    fact.
    Quote Originally Posted by Yolobimmer View Post
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    guessing who I might be, psychologizing me with your non existent degree.

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