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Thread: From the first to the last

  1. #1
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    Default From the first to the last

    I just wanted a place to document this. I'm not a writer nor am I posting for sympathy... just posting in case this helps anyone in the same situation in the future.


    I am her first grandson.
    She had the privilege of watching me experience many of my firsts as she lived with us, forfeiting her retirement years to raise my brother and I with two full time middle class working parents.

    How the tables have turned...

    She had a big fall on Friday night, and yet we agreed to hold out until saturday. I am certain my stubborn traits come from her.
    The pain was too unbearable then by saturday.

    I made my first EMS call that day.
    I watched her shake when her first ever IV went in.
    For her first time, I watched her 94yo body get carried away on a tarp. Her first steps outside in over a year.
    We shared our first ambulance ride.
    This would be her first hospital admission.
    I watched her struggle through each blood pressure test as her thin frail arms were compressed into shaking, fist clenching pain.
    I listened as three nurses said “what?” when our nurse said "BP 221/91".
    I watched her get taken to her first Xray while I sat outside.
    I held her hand as she received other needles for bloodwork, totalling more needles than she’s had in her lifetime. Rotating cold hands coming in and out to do other testing / monitoring.
    I watched her struggle holding in her bladder for 10+ hours.
    I wanted to bear her pain for her every time she was moved.
    I ordered for each pain killer / morphine injection that was necessary.
    I watched her get shimmied in pain to use a bed pan because she refused to go in her diaper.
    I felt the further struggle when her traditional Chinese upbringing was too conservative to use the bedpan in the paramedic’s care.
    I listened to her scream behind the curtain “it’s so big, it's so big” as the catheter went in, and again as it came back out. I don't have clear understanding of why it wasn't to stay in.

    I … I had to be the one to translate to her: Your hip is fractured. Your choices are surgery, or lifetime bedrest; for which lifetime bedrest would be limited to a few weeks max due to the complications of immobility, and pain management meds that may cause heart attack, stroke, shortness of breath leading to pneumonia.
    I had to translate back to the doctor/surgeon that she’s opting out of surgery due to conservatism. 94 years, never seen a western doctor, never had so much western meds.

    I watched for the next hours as she chose to starve / dehydrate herself as she refused to use the diaper still. Spitting out every oral medication she was given. Turning her head from me with each of her favourite foods / drinks I offered.
    I watched the nurse stab her first COVID test probe deep into her nose as the tears came running.
    I was helpless as was she, for the next few hours as we sat in silence in her new isolation room.
    And when I left her bedside to go home to rest, only now, away from her eyes do I let my flood gates open. The fucking damn time I’m in there my selfish ass is thinking “the ear loops on this mask are causing me pain” as I watch every other medical professional in the area having struggled with this for years, as I watch every person in there struggle through each of their own pains. How pathetic.
    My first hospital overnighter, I am leaving with “is this the last goodbye?”, and the sunken feeling of “do I get to come back tomorrow to say the last goodbye?”… to be continued

    Update is that surgery is not an option due to ECG and blood count coming back with poor results. Comfort care will continue to the end, with the ultimate management being epidural. The verdict is max of a few days.
    Last edited by jwslam; 05-08-2022 at 06:44 PM.

  2. #2
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    Fuck.
    This makes me sad. Tough times ahead but 94 is an incredible run!

  3. #3
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    Sad in deed. Hang in there.

    I went through something similar with my dad back in jul/aug. Covid restrictions made things super hard on the family.

    Comfort care doesn't always mean it's the end. One of my dad's roommates at the hospital came back after his family were told he had an hour left to live.

    With my dad he refused his meds, his iv, took his feeding tube out and then decided he was done with his oxygen. I was by his side the entire time as he was moved to comfort care and eventually passed.

    It was super tense for many hours as we sat around my dad with everyone crying. Things really lightened up immensely as many stories were shared.

    It will be hard but when the time comes id take that time to share the many awesome memories and fun stories of your family member.

    I can't see any better way to leave this world then surrounded by family sharing their stories, their laughs and their love.

  4. #4
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    Fuck man, this sucks.

    I know everything you are going through, as we had to go through it last year. It is super hard to control your emotions and keep them in check. My anger at the whole situation ruptured to the surface a few times and I am not proud of it as I keep a tight reign on my emotions and work to be everyone's rock and anchor point.

    My biggest piece of advice I can give you, be that rock, but, share your emotions with her. These are the last days you are going to have with her, and conservativism aside, speak with your heart, and build the best memories you can given the situation. I wish I had.

    If you wanna talk and go for a coffee, reach out man. I will make the time. This situation is rough, and I am sympathetic and willing to listen to you vent.
    Boosted life tip #329
    Girlfriends cost money
    Turbos cost money
    Both make whining noises
    Make the smart choice.

    Originally posted by Mibz
    Always a fucking awful experience seeing spikers. Extra awful when he laps me.

  5. #5
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    I thought I could be an emotionless rational rock but I can't.

    Our fam is just my wife, bro and parents now. Blessing and a curse really, and amplified by COVID.

    I've already called to push off all my work to others. I'm trying to find ways to distract myself when I'm away from the hospital, but the guilt of "you have more important things at hand" kicks constantly.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by jwslam View Post
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    I thought I could be an emotionless rational rock but I can't.
    Sorry to hear that man.

    A lost a good friend to COVID back in February and I had people giving me advice and condolences from all directions and the best words were the simplest: just feel.

    I thought I could be an emotionless, rational rock too but it really helped just letting it out when it had to come out. Nobody's going to fault you for that.

  7. #7
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    Having feeling and expressing those feelings is good and healthy and helps you process them. Some do that best alone. Some do it better around others.

    Its okay to let your kid see you be sad.

    Sorry for your loss.

  8. #8
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    I'm so sorry to hear. Regardless of what happens, I'm sure she appreciated you being there with her at the hospital.
    Quote Originally Posted by heavyfuel View Post
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    That's why I just say I have a 4" dick and lift weights to make up for it.

  9. #9
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    That sounds like an amazing woman, you and you family are lucky people. As is she.
    Originally posted by SJW
    Once again another useless post by JRSCOOLDUDE.
    Originally posted by snowcat
    Don't let the e-thugs and faggots get to you when they quote your posts and write stupid shit.
    Originally posted by JRSC00LUDE
    I say stupid shit all the time.

  10. #10
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    I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

    Do your best to be that rock for her, but don't keep it all in, have someone who can be a rock for you.

  11. #11
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    Leaving yesterday was super tough.
    I told her I'd be back tomorrow. As I'm closing the door her awareness heightened and told me not to be gone for too long.
    Last edited by jwslam; 05-11-2022 at 10:54 AM.

  12. #12
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    Watching someone diminish over time certainly is the hardest thing I have had to do. I've been through a similar situation twice, 20 years ago and 10 years ago. My grandmother and my uncle. There isn't any advice that can help, just make sure that she knows you love her and that your family is okay. Everyone so worried about everyone else at the end that they need to know you are all going to be alright.

    It's still very upsetting to this day, after all that time. I find it's the really quiet times that bring me back. Although it has really lessened my fear of death which is minimal now, but it's heightened my awareness when it comes to be my parents' times.

  13. #13
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    I feel for ya brother. I lost my dad in February due to congestive heart failure an dementia at the age of 89. He was still golfing under his age until a little after 87 and then went down fairly quickly. The process just seems so surreal. I still don't think the whole thing has hit me yet.
    "if you disagree with my views are cannot adequately my criticism then ignore my posts." - Nusc

  14. #14
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    Sorry to hear.
    Hang in there. I know its tough. Its hard watching someone go. When my sister and dad went over a year ago. It really put a perspective on things.
    Don't be afraid to reach out if you need to chat or go for a walk/coffee..

  15. #15
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    Fuk, this thread is affecting me.

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