Sick father advice

[jabjab]

My father has been battling lung cancer for about 5 years now and his general health is declining rapidly.

He lives with a roommate for the past 15 years (parents split over 25 years ago) but I'm getting pressure from him his good friend that he needs "to be with family". I'm unable to take him in my home as I'm at work all day so it doesn't make it any easier. Not sure if his brother will step up to the plate either.

Are there any hospice type of places I can bring him in where he can get the care he needs? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[gwill]

His Dr would come up with some options if his health is that bad. I'd start there. It's not easy to care for a super sick person at home. It's full time commitment.

Whats your dad wanting to do? Have you had any conversations with him on this exact topic?

[ExtraSlow]

Assisted living may be more appropriate than hospice.

[jabjab]

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His Dr would come up with some options if his health is that bad. I'd start there. It's not easy to care for a super sick person at home. It's full time commitment.

Whats your dad wanting to do? Have you had any conversations with him on this exact topic?

He has hinted at coming living with me before but I don't get why he thinks that's the best solution.

He is a stubborn man and sometimes doesn't think things through. He's currently at the hospital now for the second time today but currently don't know which one. I'll start calling and see if I can get a hold of his doctor

[JRSC00LUDE]

That sounds like a difficult situation.

[gwill]

my dad's health went sideways late last year. We tried to assist at home before he passed away. It was 100x harder to do than we planned. In the end he spent more time in the hospitals than at our house and we had ambulances showing up within 24 hrs after he was released from the hospital almost everytime.

Best thing to do is have the hard conversation with him. Might help having the Dr present. In the end there's no easy answer.

My dad was equally stubborn. When he decided it was time he took his oxygen mask off and wouldn't let me put it back on.

[jabjab]

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my dad's health went sideways late last year. We tried to assist at home before he passed away. It was 100x harder to do than we planned. In the end he spent more time in the hospitals than at our house and we had ambulances showing up within 24 hrs after he was released from the hospital almost everytime.

Best thing to do is have the hard conversation with him. Might help having the Dr present. In the end there's no easy answer.

My dad was equally stubborn. When he decided it was time he took his oxygen mask off and wouldn't let me put it back on.

Sorry to hear about that, that must have been tough.
Once I get a hold of hi doctor and I'll have that conversation with him.

[ExtraSlow]

Shrooms and weed.

[ThePenIsMightier]

He won't qualify for Hospice unless it's determined that he's terminally ill, plus, is expected to die in (I believe the magic number is) <4 months.
People who live too long in hospice fuck the system up. The folks I've watched go through did their jobs correctly and perished in mere days.

[shakalaka]

Sorry to hear about what you, your family and your father are going through. All I can say is at times like this the only thing you want around is family so I can certainly see why he wants to do that. If there is even a 10% possibility that that arrangement can work in the last few days of his life, I would personally do whatever I can to allow for that to happen. But I understand, it's easier said than done and many other factors come at play. I hope it all works out for you guys.

[mr2mike]

Hire home care, etc to do a lot of the day to day care so you can spend proper time with him and not start resenting him because of the bathing and dressing needs, etc.

Having him in a home nearby is very helpful if you can get that and choose that route.

[jabjab]

I would take him in but it's a bit complicated. I moved my aging mother into the walkout years ago and their relationship was not good when they were together so I have to consider her wants a well....

[gwill]

Hope it all works out for you as well.

One thing to note. You might be surprised who steps up to help once you have these tough conversations with your family, friends and those you live with.

If he's truly on his last little bit most people are going to set aside their differences to support and help those who need it. Maybe your mother supports you so you can support your dad.

[Power_Of_Rotary]

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I would take him in but it's a bit complicated. I moved my aging mother into the walkout years ago and their relationship was not good when they were together so I have to consider her wants a well....

I think this problem should be addressed first. That way either both your parents live in your house, or the one who needs it more does. They are both elderly, how much aggression and rage would they still have left? Just create a workable system then all of you can live under one roof and take care of one another.

[zechs]

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I think this problem should be addressed first. That way either both your parents live in your house, or the one who needs it more does. They are both elderly, how much aggression and rage would they still have left? Just create a workable system then all of you can live under one roof and take care of one another.

I mean, maybe in utopia land this would work, but reality is much different.

I love my parents, but my dad is as big of a stubborn asshole as anyone. Unfortunately old people (especially men) become more difficult as they age as the mind's ability to inhibit bad behaviour wanes. Coupled with people living to older ages and mild forms of dementia being frequent, and its a recipe for disaster.

I wish you the best of luck. At the end of the day OP, YOU and your health/immediate family come first (wife, kids, etc).

Sounds like adult conversations need to be had, even if difficult.

[jabjab]

Well to be honest I wouldn't feel safe with my father and mother under the same roof. It was a abusive relationship and as stupid as it sounds my father still has a drinking problem even during his chemotherapy. He's a stubborn old man but this puts in a difficult spot.

I think some sort of assist living would be ideal. Just found out that a nurse will be going to his home to drain fluid from his lungs 3 times a week so at least he he's getting some sort of care..

[eblend]

Hey OP, my wife is a nurse and she tells me stories and has a bunch of experience, so I will just throw a few things out there from what she tells me, perhaps it would be of help. I will list a few options just based on what my wife has told me.

1. Put him into a long term care facility. If he doesn't have money, the government will cover the costs. This will allow him to be around people his age, interact with people, and at the same time have nurses around 24/7 who will be able to address day to day needs. They will also take care of his food/assist in showering, wounds, medications ect, it's full care as needed. They will call 911 and send him to hospital as needed ect. When he is admitted, goals of care designation will be created, where you are a family can decide on exactly how you want your dad to live, either prolong life (even if in pain), or maximum comfort (pumped full of codeine, but comfortable, obviously as needed). My wife deals with this all the time, and people pass away in the facility without having to go to a hospice. There is also an option for MAID, which is medically assistance in dying, where they can, at his wishes, basically pass away peacefully, instead of living in misery/pain. Obviously I don't know all the details of your situation and his health, just giving you as much info as I know.

2. Home care. My wife, who has been an LPN for a long time, is 1 course away from graduating as an RN, and is currently in her last practicum in Adult Home Care. There is also Senior care, which is what she did for her previous practicum. Adult home care is mostly for people who are recovering at home after ICU stays, or have other health issues as adults, whereas senior home care is more for people who are at the end-stage of life. Both of these services are offered by AHS and are free of charge. They can arrange for basically everything, including assistance with the household, different health team collaborations ect. They come right to your home as needed and basically take care of your health. Change IVs, do injections ect ect, even assist with showers/bathroom matters ect.

Anyways, just wanted to throw those things out. The home care stuff is new to my wife as she never did it before a few months ago, but she is learning lots about it and it's much more involved then you may think, so have a look at that as well.

Sorry to hear about your situation, but unfortunately everyone will go through this in their life one way or another. @gwill , that made me choke up, that's pretty terrible to experience, but it's very much same as my wife's grandmother, who told everyone she didn't want to be intubated if worst came to worse, but she was, and once she regained consciousness, she pulled the tube out herself and passed away.

OP, best of luck, hope you find some solution and your father finds peace.

[Power_Of_Rotary]

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Well to be honest I wouldn't feel safe with my father and mother under the same roof. It was a abusive relationship and as stupid as it sounds my father still has a drinking problem even during his chemotherapy. He's a stubborn old man but this puts in a difficult spot.

I think some sort of assist living would be ideal. Just found out that a nurse will be going to his home to drain fluid from his lungs 3 times a week so at least he he's getting some sort of care..

Urrr.. Sorry to say this, but he sounds like a piece of shit. If I were you, I'd definitely just do what I can to facilitate him, but not at the cost of ruining peace at home.

Suggest him to go to a serviced facilities. Its his ultimately his decision.

[bjstare]

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Urrr.. Sorry to say this, but he sounds like a piece of shit.

This is such a limp dick comment. If you're sorry to say something, then don't say it. That preposition doesn't soften the blow of a controversial statement, it only makes you look like a bitch.

[ThePenIsMightier]

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This is such a limp dick comment. If you're sorry to say something, then don't say it. That preposition doesn't soften the blow of a controversial statement, it only makes you look like a bitch.

He can't help it, due to his spoiled upbringing in a much larger Canadian house than the more customary 4x8 sheet of plywood.