Letters to Santa
Hope this isn't a
santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send
you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom,
who rides his a$$ constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get
you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with
those?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jose Cuervo.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give
them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the arses of cocktail waitresses while losing money
at the craps table.
"Long Dong" Claus
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like
in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your arse
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent,
ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the
burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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