There's A Machinima Goin' On And You're Gonna Watch It
You've got to hand it to R. Kelly: and quickly, before he can pee on that hand. No, but really, hand it to him: even as most of the problems in his life can be traced back to his overactive scrote and his underactive noodle, he continues on writing songs about doing the sex. Keep reading: this is eventually about The Sims 2.
Anyway, it's a rare occurence that creative people get enough clout to do whatever they want without a single person being able to stop them, and also have completely lost their freakin' minds to the point where any self-critical eye they may have once had has completely and utterly evaporated along with the talent. When such an unlikely occurence takes place, we get such treasures as Microsoft Bob, Michael Jackson's face, Duke Nukem Forever, and now R. Kelly's "R&B Opera" Trapped in the Closet.
In this five part song (with more supposedly on the way), R. Kelly puts the lie to the common racist sentiment that black people all know each other. On the contrary: they're merely just all sleeping with each other, unawares, until R. Kelly gets caught messing around, at which point their single degrees of separation are all made known. R. got taken home by a girl he doesn't know at the club, who is married to a gay pastor, who's been sleeping with a guy, who's friends with R.'s wife and the policeman she's cheating with. It's basically a Final Fantasy VIII of uncontrollably horny people set to a really slow, smoky beat.
My favorite is that as each of the four husbands and wives find out what's going on, they're all incredibly upset with each other despite lacking any sort of moral highground. Threats are made, muscles cramp, pleas to Christianity are made despite complete and rather unapologetic disregard for one of the ten commandments by all parties. Oh and a request is made for a WWJD solution by a guy pointing a gun. It's high drama, if compared to an episode of Jerry Springer where the tattoo-to-guest ratio breaks 5.0.
And that's just the song. The video is just as undercooked, and it's got actors acting out and— where appropriate (or rather, where the lyrics are dialogue)— lipsyncing R.'s silly, meticulously literal lyrics. See it if you can.
If you can't find the video, the below-linked Sims 2 machinima reinvention of it makes for a good substitute. Think about it: who better to act out the events of Trapped in the Closet than the by-nature slutty, jealous, bisexual, overacting polygonal stringbeans?
Sims in the closest!
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