The first part was an epic thread, but it's been quite a few years now, so an update should prove entertaining. Lets add humor as much as possible.
I'll start with a few:
MAR: He'll take way too much time analyzing the fight while I'm standing there punching air, so the ref just claims me the winner.
DUANER: He's knocked down on the first punch, but he keeps getting up under the guise of proving a negative.
Sugar and J-hop: Given how much they post in just about every thread, they obviously sit on their ass all day. That means they're so out of shape that you can easily duck their first few punches, then they'll just fall down via exhaustion.
Again, keep humor involved, as we all know things are fucked, but it's better to laugh than cry.