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Thread: Should couples have joint or separate bank accounts?

  1. #161
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    Why would you buy another fridge when you already brought 2 perfectly functional ones into the marriage to begin with? Just use one for food and one for beer

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    Quote Originally Posted by you&me View Post
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    I have yet to see any of the pro multi-account posters put forth an explanation that makes me go: "Oh, that makes a lot of sense... I get why you do it that way, because _____".

    Instead, now all I can think of is something someone alluded to earlier - having two accounts is like having two separate refrigerators in your kitchen.

    Your groceries go in yours, your wife's in hers. It's really not that different than having one, after all. Some items go in one, some in the other... You tell each other that really the ingredients are "ours". And sure, you'll make her a sandwich once in a while, or she'll share something and when it comes time for Thanksgiving dinner, you'll both pitch in what you can to supply the ingredients. And I'll admit, by all accounts, it works. But at the end of the day... Why? It really just seems like maybe one - or both of you - are afraid of sharing the last slice or getting caught finishing off the tub of Haagen Dazs.
    Here is $20 for groceries tonight.
    He wants an $16 and and $4 for 2L of Milk
    She wants $12 for 2L of Organic milk and $8 for 3 organic cucumbers.

    So, to resolve this, he and she get $10 each and come back with whatever they want, without the concerns that he will invade her budget and get the steak anyways.

    Personally I see it as a protection from me as I'm stupid with money and need to be limited.

    **Just voicing why I believe in the multi-accounts. Not getting into this BS discussion that there is no trust and 1 account is bullshit.

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    Quote Originally Posted by you&me View Post
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    I have yet to see any of the pro multi-account posters put forth an explanation that makes me go: "Oh, that makes a lot of sense... I get why you do it that way, because _____".
    The multi-account people probably feel the exact same way about joint account reasoning, it doesn't mean either are wrong. It's just a different way of doing things that happens to work really well for both people. What I don't understand is talking about one method or the other as if it is somehow inferior just because you personally don't use that method (not saying you specifically). Relationships are dynamic, full of compromise, and no two are the same - with that in mind I am genuinely surprised so many people are clinging onto their own views like they are the only thing that can possibly work for every other relationship, each of which is unique.

    I think one of the issues is everyone is making wild assumptions about what they think is the 'wrong' method. Having multiple accounts is not at all like having 2 fridges, and I don't think anyone in this thread has explained the 3 account system in a way that would come off that way. In fact I think most people with 3 accounts have groceries coming out of the joint account. The way most people seem to use them (just looking at this thread), there is no difference in trust or transparency compared to the 100% joint system. Nobody is hiding purchases or squirreling away money. It is simply a preference, and/or a mutually protective insurance policy for the unexpected. Trust or fear has absolutely nothing to do with it - if you're in a relationship with trust issues or fear of the other person doing something malicious, that is unhealthy and there are probably much bigger underlying issues.
    Last edited by Mitsu3000gt; 08-14-2019 at 02:50 PM.

  4. #164
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirtsniffer View Post
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    What happened the first time 'round? Or do we have 2 lottery winners in these threads?
    Ah I deleted part of my post by accident. Coles notes, first time around I married someone with a plethora of faults. I was young, naive, etc. I pulled the chute though, and used it as an opportunity to take a step back. Helped me recognize the qualities that were important and pick a good one second time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Buster View Post
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    In response to both of you (who are both smart people, I know):

    I've realized participating in this thread that many of my views on this arise from naivete, rather than from some special insight.
    lol fair enough. Your logic makes sense to me, naive or not.

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    Looked in the similar threads box and found we've been through this a few times around here already

    https://forums.beyond.ca/threads/350...ed-or-Separate
    https://forums.beyond.ca/threads/369...d-sharing-cars

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mitsu3000gt View Post
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    The multi-account people probably feel the exact same way about joint account reasoning, it doesn't mean either are wrong. It's just a different way of doing things that happens to work really well for both people. What I don't understand is talking about one method or the other as if it is somehow inferior just because you personally don't use that method (not saying you specifically). Relationships are dynamic, full of compromise, and no two are the same - with that in mind I am genuinely surprised so many people are clinging onto their own views like they are the only thing that can possibly work for every other relationship, each of which is unique.

    I think one of the issues is everyone is making wild assumptions about what they think is the 'wrong' method. Having multiple accounts is not at all like having 2 fridges, and I don't think anyone in this thread has explained the 3 account system in a way that would come off that way. In fact I think most people with 3 accounts have groceries coming out of the joint account. The way most people seem to use them (just looking at this thread), there is no difference in trust or transparency compared to the 100% joint system. Nobody is hiding purchases or squirreling away money. It is simply a preference, and/or a mutually protective insurance policy for the unexpected. Trust or fear has absolutely nothing to do with it - if you're in a relationship with trust issues or fear of the other person doing something malicious, that is unhealthy and there are probably much bigger underlying issues.
    My first post in this thread basically said that all relationships are different and everyone should just do what best for them. And I've tried to avoid getting into the whole issue of trust, etc.

    I fully admit that my opinion on this is heavily influenced by my own circumstances, which sound like they might be less conventional than most other posters. On top of that, this whole account setup thing for other people isn't something I'm really that familiar with, save for two of my wife's friends, both of which have separate accounts from their husbands... Without getting into details, neither is what I would call a happy, healthy or strong relationship, so again, that definitely skews my opinion (admittedly, both are far from as collaborative sounding as many of the multi-account posters here).

    Maybe this isn't something that can really be discussed, because it sounds like once you've got "your way", it is what it is, you'll make it work, and that's all there is to it. I may not "get it", but I don't have to...

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    Quote Originally Posted by you&me View Post
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    My first post in this thread basically said that all relationships are different and everyone should just do what best for them. And I've tried to avoid getting into the whole issue of trust, etc.

    I fully admit that my opinion on this is heavily influenced by my own circumstances, which sound like they might be less conventional than most other posters. On top of that, this whole account setup thing for other people isn't something I'm really that familiar with, save for two of my wife's friends, both of which have separate accounts from their husbands... Without getting into details, neither is what I would call a happy, healthy or strong relationship, so again, that definitely skews my opinion (admittedly, both are far from as collaborative sounding as many of the multi-account posters here).

    Maybe this isn't something that can really be discussed, because it sounds like once you've got "your way", it is what it is, you'll make it work, and that's all there is to it. I may not "get it", but I don't have to...
    That's fair, and I would expect most people's preferences to be influenced by their own experience as well as what they see going on around them. I'm sure I do the same and that's how opinions are formed.

    I think it's just a very difficult thing to discuss in terms of "which is better", especially since I think most people in either 'camp' has not had adequate experience with the other method - they are just doing what works for their relationship. Also, none of us have any details about everyone else's relationships, which would be critical to understanding each side of things. It's incredibly subjective. I would imagine most people could switch 'systems' and be no worse off for the most part though, but there is no reason to if you're happy with what you're doing currently.

    The only point I'm trying to make, regardless of what 'camp' you're in or if you can't understand any other point of view other than your own (again not saying 'you' specifically), is that I don't get the condescending nature some people take toward whatever method they don't use themselves, especially since there is no evidence they've even tried it. To me, that's kind of like shitting on someone's decision to buy a minivan because they have a family when you can't imagine life without a 2-seater sports car with no kids. Just different values, even though in both scenarios everyone is just doing what works. If everyone is happy, keep doing what you're doing.

  9. #169
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mitsu3000gt View Post
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    That's fair, and I would expect most people's preferences to be influenced by their own experience as well as what they see going on around them. I'm sure I do the same and that's how opinions are formed.

    I think it's just a very difficult thing to discuss in terms of "which is better", especially since I think most people in either 'camp' has not had adequate experience with the other method - they are just doing what works for their relationship. Also, none of us have any details about everyone else's relationships, which would be critical to understanding each side of things. It's incredibly subjective. I would imagine most people could switch 'systems' and be no worse off for the most part though, but there is no reason to if you're happy with what you're doing currently.

    The only point I'm trying to make, regardless of what 'camp' you're in or if you can't understand any other point of view other than your own (again not saying 'you' specifically), is that I don't get the condescending nature some people take toward whatever method they don't use themselves, especially since there is no evidence they've even tried it. To me, that's kind of like shitting on someone's decision to buy a minivan because they have a family when you can't imagine life without a 2-seater sports car with no kids. Just different values, even though in both scenarios everyone is just doing what works. If everyone is happy, keep doing what you're doing.
    The word "better" or "best" is not a useful way to characterize things.

    Let's instead use the word "optimal" or "optimized".

    Running multiple accounts can in no way be considered an "optimal" solution from an efficiency perspective. If it is a necessity because of one's personal situation, then that's an understandable concession to the realities of each individual relationship.

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    Well, I think anyone who wanted to learn something about this topic has sufficient information and opinion to read now. Well done everyone!
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    Instead of relying on a separate bank account to make purchases that the SO may think are frivolous, buy what you want, but tell the SO it's a gift for them. I learned this trick at a very young age when my neighbor bought his Mom a Nintendo Entertainment System for her birthday. She appreciated the gesture that her young son bought her a gift, and that's the polite way to react. Fortunately, she never used it, so he got to play the NES whenever he wanted. Win, win!

    On that note, I'm very thankful that my wife lets me drive her CTS-V wagon or Jeep Trackhawk whenever I need to. I suppose she's quite trustworthy in this sense, bless her heart.
    I like neat cars.

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    A wise man once said "appreciating assets in your name, depreciating assets in hers."
    Quote Originally Posted by Gestalt View Post
    Im the one with a learning disability....

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    Quote Originally Posted by rx7boi View Post
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    There's nothing to go back on. I wrote out my assumptions as to why having separate accounts can be related to not wanting to discuss purchases for aforementioned reasons. You thought it was a far leap and you're asking me "how do you know people don't talk about it?" when it's obvious that some people indeed don't talk about it. You act as if mutually agreeing on this fact is me going back on what I've said.

    The only point I didn't, and continue not to, make is that it's related to mistrust or hiding purchases. I said nothing of the sort and it's something I've reiterated over and over again. That's on you but the only reason you're putting it on my shoulders is your replies to me wouldn't be tenable otherwise. No wonder you're so focused on insisting that's what I'm saying. You also probably feel like that's what I'm saying because that's what everyone in this thread is saying to you.

    FWIW, don't be shy about advocating for willful ignorance if you don't want to see what your partner spends money on. Your cards are already on the table with the way you do things at home. The only difference is that you feel like you're being attacked for doing things differently but I never posted to address you specifically. You took that burden on yourself.

    I never took a jab at you when you said your wife couldn't manage your joint income or when you said fiscal irresponsibility was worse than adultery.

    Fact is, some people employ separate accounts as a means not to have these discussions. They talk about some things, but not everything. This doesn't apply to everyone, but it happens. Acting like everyone can be above that by saying "well that's just an assumption." Well no shit.

    Sorry I'll reword it. You said something other than what you meant. Fair enough. Like I said, I'll take it at face value if you're correcting that by re-communicating what you meant. I wasn't insisting that you said something, you DID say something whether intentional or not. It's all cleared up now though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mitsu3000gt View Post
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    The multi-account people probably feel the exact same way about joint account reasoning, it doesn't mean either are wrong.

    The only people throwing punches and thinking anything is wrong, are the joint accounters. Seems like the separate accounters have no issue seeing things objectively and understanding why different people might employ different strategies in finance management.
    Last edited by Misterman; 08-15-2019 at 12:52 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misterman View Post
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    The only people throwing punches and thinking anything is wrong, are the joint accounters. Seems like the separate accounters have no issue seeing things objectively and understanding why different people might employ different strategies in finance management.
    Shots fired.

    I’ve had joint accounts with someone I shouldn’t have. Currently have separate accounts with someone where I’d have no issues with having a joint account. Whatever we’re doing works, neither of us considered needing joint account. We trust each other not to do anything stupid with our money. We divide up responsibilities, bills, savings/investments, cars, vacations.
    Originally posted by SEANBANERJEE
    I have gone above and beyond what I should rightfully have to do to protect my good name

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    Quote Originally Posted by rage2 View Post
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    I’ve had joint accounts with someone I shouldn’t have. Currently have separate accounts with someone where I’d have no issues with having a joint account. Whatever we’re doing works, neither of us considered needing joint account. We trust each other not to do anything stupid with our money. We divide up responsibilities, bills, savings/investments, cars, vacations.
    Same deal here. Seems to me that going through the process of setting up a joint account and changing all of our direct deposit and auto withdrawal info seems like more work than it's worth whereas doing what we're doing now is zero additional work. My wife and I agree that the real key to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms.

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    Interesting, so the few people who have have real experience with both 'methods' seem to prefer or have chosen to stick to the separate system.

    Now, if only there was a way around the crippling trust issues you must also have

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    Kind of glad I'm not married, don't even need to think about this kind of conversation. Money comes in, money gets spent all with no consultation.
    See Crank. See Crank Walk. Walk Crank Walk.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FraserB View Post
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    Kind of glad I'm not married, don't even need to think about this kind of conversation. Money comes in, money gets spent all with no consultation.
    Sounds like you would probably enjoy the 3-account system then.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Swank View Post
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    Same deal here. Seems to me that going through the process of setting up a joint account and changing all of our direct deposit and auto withdrawal info seems like more work than it's worth whereas doing what we're doing now is zero additional work. My wife and I agree that the real key to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms.



    I'd trade my separate accounts for this.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misterman View Post
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    Sorry I'll reword it. You said something other than what you meant. Fair enough. Like I said, I'll take it at face value if you're correcting that by re-communicating what you meant. I wasn't insisting that you said something, you DID say something whether intentional or not. It's all cleared up now though.
    My message never changed, I only elaborated because a grown ass man like yourself can't read a post without needing a disclaimer spoonfed to you that not every post applies to everyone, but can apply to some. That's not "going back" or "saying something other than what you meant" or "correcting what I said."

    You started barking up the wrong tree when you basically pulled a Cathy Newman with "so what you're saying is all couples with joint accounts never talk about purchases" which is a pretty fucking stupid thing to assert or to suggest that someone else is asserting.

    You were pretty much dead wrong when you followed it up with "you're assuming that spending is something to hide." No one said anything about hiding, ever, or at least I didn't.

    Your responses were incredibly tone deaf.

    I don't really like going around in circles so you can think whatever you think, but anyone reading can see that I never referenced or implied that having separate accounts means you're trying to hide something from the other person.
    Last edited by rx7boi; 08-15-2019 at 02:03 PM.

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