Separated, but living in the same house. Possible?

[riander5]

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We already did a 1 month trial separation with her living in the same rental. It didn't teach her much.

Actually, Riander, I DON'T know. I know it is unconventional for certain, but although it isn't the clean break I probably need and it opens up the possibility of her screwing me again one way or another in the end, I actually think it IS a potential option.

Ok well I'm telling you not to do it.

Could you perceivably do it? Yes. You already stated your mental health is at risk. What's more of a priority to you is the question? Save some $$$ from split, life this odd separation life, lose $$$ on split, actually begin life anew.

I know what I'd do, but you're not me!

[killramos]

If it’s done it done. Cut your losses.

Time will not fix this, it will make it much worse.

[Kloubek]

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Step 1: Get the cost to break the mortgage early. Can you afford it?

Step 2: Don't leave the house or move out for any reason. Grounds for "abandoning the household" argument.

I could only see it working how you're saying is if you're both never going to be banging someone else again. Once that happens, it'll get very messy. Art room x1000.

Well, we have some 600k equity in the house, so yeah, we can afford it. But the cost will suck, as we only re-signed one year ago.
I will look into step 2. I have no intention of leaving the house until I have another place. And she's already left.

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Ok well I'm telling you not to do it.

Could you perceivably do it? Yes. You already stated your mental health is at risk. What's more of a priority to you is the question? Save some $$$ from split, life this odd separation life, lose $$$ on split, actually begin life anew.

Hence, why I am asking for opinions. All I have for the most part is a tiny bit of anecdotal accounts, but it's really hard to find much on the subject online. I could only pull up literally 3 websites where the scenario was similar. In most cases, people who do anything like this tend to swap between the house and a second place weekly. I feel this is an even harder scenario to succeed, frankly. I've also seen some living in the same house itself, but seeing the other person regularly seems like a brutal idea. This seems to be somewhat of a compromise to me, but the more I get comments, the more I realize it probably isn't realistic.

[2Legit2Quit]

This sounds like living in hell to me. Might sound alluring due to the financial factors and kid but reality is shit will most likely hit the fan and will be regret down the road.

I'd look into how much your mortgage penalty fee would be, what you could get for your home, sort out what your game plan is in regard to divorce/possessions/money/what is being split and will you be raked over the coals.

Lots of financial factors to sort out but would you be willing to rent for a few years if you want to wait for interest rates to come back down before buying again?

Again, I couldn't personally do it for a wide array of reasons but sounds like a ticking time bomb if you did go the shared housing route.

[ercchry]

Fun fact… there is a very little know product from the mortgage insurers specifically to payout a spouse… you can refi up to 95% of the value, consolidate debt, and even add a new co-signer. You might even be able to do a blend and extend (retaining your current rate for the existing term and loan amount)… if that information makes you rethink this decision

And if you suite the place, you could probably even use that potential income to help qualify

Edit: shit, $600k equity?? Talk to the existing lender about a blend and extend refi… and if you had a suite, how that would work for qualifying… if the additional income works to qualify after figuring out what you need to pay her out… suite the place, rent to anyone not related to you (cause, that’s a condition of qualifying the income) and just pay her out and be done… if you need cash for the separation agreement and renos, this is what private lending is for. Get a 2nd mortgage, and once the dust settles, pay it out from the refi proceeds

[tonytiger55]

Sorry to hear about this Kloubek.
Sort answer. NO. Just no. Don't do it. NO No No. Fucking NOOOOOO.

Longer answer.
I did know someone who did. The husband lived in the basement. They had established rules. But there were problems. Big problems. From a mental health point. It was bad.
Another girl I knew lived with her ex husband. He worked nights. So the arrangement worked. They did not see each other at all. But culturally they put family and money first as they were so poor. It was a different dynamic.

If you renovate the basement. What do you do if she does not leave or tries to manipulate your son? Where you going to go...? Why is she dictating to you what you should do..? Is that her idea or someone gave her that idea..?
Have you seen the movie Gone Girl or Pacific Heights? If not, they are manditory viewing before you proceed. They are not just movies. They are documentaries. Worse still, what are you going to do when she goes through her Julia Roberts Vegan 'Eat Pray Love Phase'? Lets cut the bollocks and say it straight. All separated women go through that phase. Its not pretty. That will destroy your mental health.

Your partner has shown you her colours. What if you did have a agreement and she broke it. What if she makes a false alligation? You really think the court or Police system in the current policial climate is going to take your side over the mother?

I don't think this is healthy scenario for your son. Put yourself first. Kid will be fine.
My late sister put her kids first over herself. We told her not to. In the end it was used against her and the kids turned against her as she died. Her narcaccist ex husband found a way back into the house. He was just sitting there waiting till she was at her weakest and most vunderable point.

Do not romanticize the scenario. Your subconcious will look to validate that this is a option. Its solves problems on paper. It is NOT a potential option. It potential option for you to get in a very complicated situation that is not your fault and get screwed years down the line.

Your home is your only safe space. Your mental health is your number one priority.

If your not feeling great mentally, reach out. Myself or anyone on his forum are happy to go for a beer and just listen.

[ExtraSlow]

Beer and chicken wings can't save the world, but sometimes they help.

[Tik-Tok]

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Does anyone know a couple who have tried this, and how did it go?

My wife worked with a couple that tried this, as they also had a little one. It didn't help anything that they were co-workers too, but Mrs.Tok heard both sides of many, many complaints. They made it work, but NOBODY was happy, and even more miserable than they were when they were "together". Especially when one starts bringing home new fuck friends.

After they finally decided to just sell the place after 2 or 3 years, they both agreed it was a terrible decision that they never should have tried, and both were much happier, and so was the kid.

[Kloubek]

ok guys. I think I've garnered enough comments. Thank you Tik-Tok - hearing a first-hand account is helpful, and Ercchry, if I could give you another rep, I would. That's a solid option to investigate.

Contrary to the crap we typically see on Beyond when it comes to emotionally-charged situations, you guys have been very helpful. Thank you.

[G]

Wait until she starts talking to the clan of divorcées they will for sure put into her head how much she deserves. She will rake you over the coals for the house and support payments.

[Buster]

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ok guys. I think I've garnered enough comments. Thank you Tik-Tok - hearing a first-hand account is helpful, and Ercchry, if I could give you another rep, I would. That's a solid option to investigate.

Contrary to the crap we typically see on Beyond when it comes to emotionally-charged situations, you guys have been very helpful. Thank you.

Any time. Glad to help.

[ExtraSlow]

Okay now that we've been helpful, pics of soon to be ex-wife.....

[max_boost]

Oh man RIP
Praying for you

[Xtrema]

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ok guys. I think I've garnered enough comments. Thank you Tik-Tok - hearing a first-hand account is helpful, and Ercchry, if I could give you another rep, I would. That's a solid option to investigate.

Contrary to the crap we typically see on Beyond when it comes to emotionally-charged situations, you guys have been very helpful. Thank you.

Follow those 2 recommendations.

Research on nesting. It's best that one of you get to keep the home and kid can come back to it. Avoid switching school if possible.

One of my buddy is going thru this right now and his case is 10x worse than yours as his ex went to cops falsely accused him on abuse. The money thrown at lawyers to clear his name and get his kid back is stupid. That's the problem when you don't know when to call it quit when it's over and you at least realize that.

But having his kid back on weekends in her old home is comforting and things are 100x better now they are in separate homes.

[SJW]

I've been through a divorce. It's not fun. You'll be ok in the end if not 100x better off. Take care of the kid and try to keep things amicable. I gave everything to my exwife just so she'd fucking leave. I started completely over.

[TomcoPDR]

I hope you’re keeping the Jag and giving her the Range Rover to deal with

[tch7]

My ex moved in with my neighbour (townhouse). It made everything much worse and my life basically stayed on hold for the subsequent 2 years before I made a true clean break and went full no contact.

[Yolobimmer]

Do you have a lawyer yet?

Have the courts accepted your separation agreement?

How far along are you in the process?

A friend went through this not long ago, and it was ugly.

is it REALLY her narcissism, or your insecurity? What is wrong with you that you need your wife to be your emotional crutches? No one can do that indefinitely. You need to find out why you are a wreck that needs emotional support.

[ThePenIsMightier]

Do the opposite of whatever ^it just said.

[jabjab]

I didn't live with one of my ex's but we worked on the same floor. It was a nightmare. Felt like her eyes were on me all the time, particularly when I was talking to female co workers.

I can't imagine living in the same roof as her when we weren't together. Good luck, usually the right decision is the hardest one.